some of the ways in which i try to live my life are aspirations. the results of my experiences, these are ways to raise me to a higher, more life-giving place. they can be a challenge to reach, but well worth the effort.
humor: a friend posts jokes on facebook almost everyday. often, it's the first thing i read in the morning. humor offers the gateway to spontaneity and the release of tension. but more importantly, it unleashes the childlike qualities that makes living fun.
steady as she goes: donna and i have ridden a 4-year adrenaline high. hyper-vigilance to symptoms, hopes to reality; fears to nightmares, especially since donna's retirement, we have taken the opportunity to enjoy more r&r as we peel away layers of stress. it is not as easy as turning down the volume of a radio; it is more like adjusting the wheel of a ship, watching for the next peaceful island to rest.
deal with it: the anxiety of the visits to my pulmonologist starts to build within days of my last visit. i get so future-focused i turn a blind eye to the present. at these times i sit myself down and say, "self, deal with it. enjoy the present". self is a good buddy.
listening: taking in information is like eating a good meal. when i listen to doctors, to those i love, to my body; and to the world around me, i hear some groovy music. taking in a different perspective jettisons me out of an inner cycle of stinkin' thinkin' into a place of comfort and safety.
creativity: this is my essence; the craving to create. watching 'parenthood' last night, i imagined how i would change dialogues and situations if i were director. i might even have changed the clothes or hairstyle of the characters. even as a very young child, my stuffed animals would be my friends. i recall talking to them, crying with them, and caring for them; we had great times. today creativity exists in art, music, cooking, and decorating. it is in creativity that i find the most peace.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Anticipanxiety
i have submitted this word to webster. hopefully he will understand that anticipation and anxiety feel very similar, even though brought on by different events.
i have been chatting with my 90-mentor/artist friend who is making her yearly trek to sante fe, new mexico. yesterday, she told me that she is packing for her trip although she is leaving in two weeks! this woman lives for this trips, where she creates her own brands of art. and she shops for jewelry, silver of course. we will visit her in early october to share in her experiences and adventures.
next week i have an important appt. with my pulmonologist in cincinnati. i am supposed to learn more about the prognosis and treatment plan for this new disease. i am anticipating the appointment, feeling the anxiety grow with each new day that i wait. i wish the appointment were tomorrow.
jane and i share a common experience. waiting and anticipating an event in the near future. for both of us, the closer it gets the more it seems like forever. she said the anticipation is sometimes half of the fun of the event itself. each day, she will anticipate what will happen the next day. in fact, she is already anticipating her trip in 2012!!
so to redirect my anxiety energy, i am doing the jane thing... anticipating our next trip to the beach in may 2012. it will be so much fun! i will wait a few weeks before packing.
i have been chatting with my 90-mentor/artist friend who is making her yearly trek to sante fe, new mexico. yesterday, she told me that she is packing for her trip although she is leaving in two weeks! this woman lives for this trips, where she creates her own brands of art. and she shops for jewelry, silver of course. we will visit her in early october to share in her experiences and adventures.
next week i have an important appt. with my pulmonologist in cincinnati. i am supposed to learn more about the prognosis and treatment plan for this new disease. i am anticipating the appointment, feeling the anxiety grow with each new day that i wait. i wish the appointment were tomorrow.
jane and i share a common experience. waiting and anticipating an event in the near future. for both of us, the closer it gets the more it seems like forever. she said the anticipation is sometimes half of the fun of the event itself. each day, she will anticipate what will happen the next day. in fact, she is already anticipating her trip in 2012!!
so to redirect my anxiety energy, i am doing the jane thing... anticipating our next trip to the beach in may 2012. it will be so much fun! i will wait a few weeks before packing.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Fun
sometimes i look back on the 'fun times' of my youth. amusement parks, vacations, silly pranks, and private jokes. fun involved stepping out of the present reality and finding something funny. the fun teachers were those who cracked jokes while teaching... even the corny jokes. my 8th and 11th grade history teachers were masters of joking, which may be a reason that i love history so much.
another aspect of fun was finding something that consumed my attention. board games were a staple in my childhood. hours would pass as we played rook, scrabble, monopoly, pit, sorry, and stratego. of course, reading was another way to escape into timelessness. fiction was so engrossing that i was sad (and even cried) when the book was finished. the characters had become such good friends to me.
having fun in church was particularly satisfying. knowing that behaving reverently was the expectation presented an irresistible temptation to have fun. and it cut the boredom. for example, i could hardly stand to sing, 'how firm a foundation' because in one of the verses the phrase, 'hoary hairs' appeared. how saintly can a boy be when he has to sing that phrase, especially when he looks at another boy who is thinking the same thing. and how could a bored kid resist going through the hymnal, adding 'under the sheets' to the titles. it just doesn't get any better than that!!
in my careers as an elementary teacher and psychologist, i was sure to include fun into my style. i remember hiding in the coat closet before my students returned from art class. after they settled into their seats, i jumped out of the closet dressed as a pirate (ok, so i wore my tie around my head like a bandanna). the students jumped, screamed, laughed, clapped, and were energized. a creative writing session was just about to begin.
as a psychologist i added fun by including creativity to many sessions, since working through problems sometimes were hindered by words. frequently i was known around the counseling center as the 'goofy' one... a badge i wore proudly. one time i piled a bunch of chairs in front of the director's door and waited for his response. of course, i gathered my colleague to observe with me. the director took it in stride, thankfully.
finding fun as a way to cope with my present physical condition has been a challenge. i have discovered, however, new ways to have fun. the formula is simple. i find something that either amuses me or engrosses me, looking for those moments of inspiration that point the way to something that is fascinating. sometimes it is pursuing 'tried and true' interests such as cooking, games, entertaining, and movies. other times it is discovering new interests such as sketching, writing, genealogy work, and home design. of course, i am always up for a good joke, a crazy prank, or a nutso idiosyncrasy that pops up when someone is looking.
fun, with it's spontaneous and creative expressions, carries life and energy on it's wings. it is FUN that i salute today.
btw, did you hear about the one where..... : )
another aspect of fun was finding something that consumed my attention. board games were a staple in my childhood. hours would pass as we played rook, scrabble, monopoly, pit, sorry, and stratego. of course, reading was another way to escape into timelessness. fiction was so engrossing that i was sad (and even cried) when the book was finished. the characters had become such good friends to me.
having fun in church was particularly satisfying. knowing that behaving reverently was the expectation presented an irresistible temptation to have fun. and it cut the boredom. for example, i could hardly stand to sing, 'how firm a foundation' because in one of the verses the phrase, 'hoary hairs' appeared. how saintly can a boy be when he has to sing that phrase, especially when he looks at another boy who is thinking the same thing. and how could a bored kid resist going through the hymnal, adding 'under the sheets' to the titles. it just doesn't get any better than that!!
in my careers as an elementary teacher and psychologist, i was sure to include fun into my style. i remember hiding in the coat closet before my students returned from art class. after they settled into their seats, i jumped out of the closet dressed as a pirate (ok, so i wore my tie around my head like a bandanna). the students jumped, screamed, laughed, clapped, and were energized. a creative writing session was just about to begin.
as a psychologist i added fun by including creativity to many sessions, since working through problems sometimes were hindered by words. frequently i was known around the counseling center as the 'goofy' one... a badge i wore proudly. one time i piled a bunch of chairs in front of the director's door and waited for his response. of course, i gathered my colleague to observe with me. the director took it in stride, thankfully.
finding fun as a way to cope with my present physical condition has been a challenge. i have discovered, however, new ways to have fun. the formula is simple. i find something that either amuses me or engrosses me, looking for those moments of inspiration that point the way to something that is fascinating. sometimes it is pursuing 'tried and true' interests such as cooking, games, entertaining, and movies. other times it is discovering new interests such as sketching, writing, genealogy work, and home design. of course, i am always up for a good joke, a crazy prank, or a nutso idiosyncrasy that pops up when someone is looking.
fun, with it's spontaneous and creative expressions, carries life and energy on it's wings. it is FUN that i salute today.
btw, did you hear about the one where..... : )
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The lives of others
recently, we watched the movie, 'the lives of others' which focused on the work of the east german stasi in the 1980s. in brief, the movie portrayed a person's attitude toward 'the enemy' change from a cold stone to a warm heart. the mission of spying transforms into listening to the humanity of the situation.
this past several weeks have challenged my ability to retain a warm heart. wishing to reject this latest diagnosis has resulted at times in an attitudes ranging from anger to apathy (i.e., damn it! i don't care). then the futility of wishing the diseases away hits me, in spite of how familiarly good it feels.
i keep a sketching diary of my attitude toward MPA. a written diary has been a stop-start venture over the years. but by by-passing words to access the feelings allows me to see my experience. creating and then viewing the pictures alchemizes the cold stone into a warm heart. and compassion sets in, no matter how dark or how inspiring is the sketch, to remind me that i am not a walking disease. i am human.
this past several weeks have challenged my ability to retain a warm heart. wishing to reject this latest diagnosis has resulted at times in an attitudes ranging from anger to apathy (i.e., damn it! i don't care). then the futility of wishing the diseases away hits me, in spite of how familiarly good it feels.
i keep a sketching diary of my attitude toward MPA. a written diary has been a stop-start venture over the years. but by by-passing words to access the feelings allows me to see my experience. creating and then viewing the pictures alchemizes the cold stone into a warm heart. and compassion sets in, no matter how dark or how inspiring is the sketch, to remind me that i am not a walking disease. i am human.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Medical update
i have had several procedures/test in the last month to clarify some weird things happening. my pulmonologist called yesterday with the results of those tests.
apparently, i have another auto-immune thing going on. it is microscopic polyangiities (MPA), which is a type of vasculitis. although it can affect other organs, my lungs are affected the most. several new lung nodules have been growing in recent months, but he doesn't think it's cancer. other weird symptoms now make sense with this diagnosis.
i return in six weeks for more tests and in three months for another ct scan.
the prognosis: not sure. the emotional impact: not sure.
for now i am 'up in my head' about most of this. more later....
apparently, i have another auto-immune thing going on. it is microscopic polyangiities (MPA), which is a type of vasculitis. although it can affect other organs, my lungs are affected the most. several new lung nodules have been growing in recent months, but he doesn't think it's cancer. other weird symptoms now make sense with this diagnosis.
i return in six weeks for more tests and in three months for another ct scan.
the prognosis: not sure. the emotional impact: not sure.
for now i am 'up in my head' about most of this. more later....
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Garfunkel and simon
in 1972, i enrolled in a college experimental/experiential english course... experimental because it was outside the classroom. experiential because it was multi-sensual. a bus loaded with first-year students was on it's way to a scout camp for the rest of the day and evening.
at that time in my life, i was emotionally vulnerable. a new college, new peers, new atmosphere, new, new, new. in this situation, the comfort of structure gave way to spontaneity, adventure, fear/excitement (twins), and anxiety.
we entered the mini-lodge to find a lighted fireplace, offering a warm glow and a pleasant smoky smell. the walls were rustic as were the floors, the kitchen, and the bathrooms. after walking around, loosening up from the bus trip and exploring our new environment, we were invited to sit on the floor in a circle.
our two professors did the usual greetings... briefly thank goodness, and then offered the theme for the day. without words, they told us what adventures we would experience, what feelings we may encounter, and what were the spaces/closets/yin-yangs of the time together. all of that was said within the music of simon and garfunkel's 'the sounds of silence'.
what a mystery, an anticipation, and a fear the song offered. i had no idea what to do with it except to listen... heart, mind, body. when the song was finished, we were invited to find an alone place to write our experience. what the hell did that mean? questions were asked but the same answer was given... 'write your experience'.
sitting on a flat rock beside pine-sol smelling trees, i was alone with me, my paper, and my pencil (because i wanted the security of an eraser). i felt deeply but the paper remained empty. i reviewed some of the lines of the song but the paper still was empty. i captured the famous voices of the time, but yes, the paper was empty. to coin a phrase from another song, 'the words got in the way'.
the last couple of days have been filled with the silence of mind-pictures. images of being lost, confused, scared have starting to appear in my sketches... brilliant/pastel, harmonious/cacophonous, abstract/realistic. and all is done within a cocoon of silence.
out in the fresh pre-dawn air, i write these words. actually, they are words about pre-words, captured only in images.
so i wait for the results of medical tests and relevant diagnoses, wondering about and wandering in emotional silence. it's a lonely place, my own space, but with the confidence of love surrounding me in an unseen circle of people.
at that time in my life, i was emotionally vulnerable. a new college, new peers, new atmosphere, new, new, new. in this situation, the comfort of structure gave way to spontaneity, adventure, fear/excitement (twins), and anxiety.
we entered the mini-lodge to find a lighted fireplace, offering a warm glow and a pleasant smoky smell. the walls were rustic as were the floors, the kitchen, and the bathrooms. after walking around, loosening up from the bus trip and exploring our new environment, we were invited to sit on the floor in a circle.
our two professors did the usual greetings... briefly thank goodness, and then offered the theme for the day. without words, they told us what adventures we would experience, what feelings we may encounter, and what were the spaces/closets/yin-yangs of the time together. all of that was said within the music of simon and garfunkel's 'the sounds of silence'.
what a mystery, an anticipation, and a fear the song offered. i had no idea what to do with it except to listen... heart, mind, body. when the song was finished, we were invited to find an alone place to write our experience. what the hell did that mean? questions were asked but the same answer was given... 'write your experience'.
sitting on a flat rock beside pine-sol smelling trees, i was alone with me, my paper, and my pencil (because i wanted the security of an eraser). i felt deeply but the paper remained empty. i reviewed some of the lines of the song but the paper still was empty. i captured the famous voices of the time, but yes, the paper was empty. to coin a phrase from another song, 'the words got in the way'.
the last couple of days have been filled with the silence of mind-pictures. images of being lost, confused, scared have starting to appear in my sketches... brilliant/pastel, harmonious/cacophonous, abstract/realistic. and all is done within a cocoon of silence.
out in the fresh pre-dawn air, i write these words. actually, they are words about pre-words, captured only in images.
so i wait for the results of medical tests and relevant diagnoses, wondering about and wandering in emotional silence. it's a lonely place, my own space, but with the confidence of love surrounding me in an unseen circle of people.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Waking up
having a restful sleep is a wonderful if not luxurious thing. but being asleep on the inside while wide awake is a nightmarish existence. there has been several times in which my brain was asleep... my inner eyes were closed... for significant periods of life.
how does that happen? and why? for me, it has been the inability to cope with something. rather than seek out help, i have drifted off only to find that life has passed by. periods of depression since i was a teenager have contributed to the problem. hopelessness has turned to desperation... and a couple of times attempts to end my life.
i have learned that in spite of physical disability and in spite of my body forcing me into retirement, i can still open my eyes to the world. enjoying life from my perspective has become a daily as expressed, for instance, by taking pride on our home and our yard, sketching and creating, playing the piano, and spending time with donna. it's doing the best with want i have to give AND to receive.
jackson browne sings a tune that best describes it best for me.
"Alive in the Word"
I want to live in the world, not inside my head
I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong
With the voices in the darkness
Fashioning daylight out of song
And the millions of lovers
Alive in the world
I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
how does that happen? and why? for me, it has been the inability to cope with something. rather than seek out help, i have drifted off only to find that life has passed by. periods of depression since i was a teenager have contributed to the problem. hopelessness has turned to desperation... and a couple of times attempts to end my life.
i have learned that in spite of physical disability and in spite of my body forcing me into retirement, i can still open my eyes to the world. enjoying life from my perspective has become a daily as expressed, for instance, by taking pride on our home and our yard, sketching and creating, playing the piano, and spending time with donna. it's doing the best with want i have to give AND to receive.
jackson browne sings a tune that best describes it best for me.
"Alive in the Word"
I want to live in the world, not inside my head
I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong
With the voices in the darkness
Fashioning daylight out of song
And the millions of lovers
Alive in the world
I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Layers
movie within a movie, story within a story, play within a play... with little thought many of us could name a work of art or piece of literature that contains such rich, multiple layers. my mind goes immediately to the movie 'tootsie' in which we view the behind-the-scenes shenanigans of producing a tv soap opera. talk about multi-layers!!
transformations are like that. within major life transitions exist smaller transformations. the major ones rely on the relatively minor ones to sustain the change. layers upon layers of change that require adaptation and flexibility.
this has been a banner year for 'transformations within transformations'.
transformations are like that. within major life transitions exist smaller transformations. the major ones rely on the relatively minor ones to sustain the change. layers upon layers of change that require adaptation and flexibility.
this has been a banner year for 'transformations within transformations'.
- both donna and i are retired now, moving from a structured workday schedule, to a more relaxed, spontaneous lifestyle.
- we decided to stay in our home for our retirement years
- health issues have become even more a life focus.
- we are adapting to having more time together. we try to create not only physical space but also space in our interests, pursuits, and hobbies. and we also create times of shared space. playing 'who wants to be a millionaire' every morning on the internet is a quick and fun example.
- numerous changes have been made to our home to make it more accessible and functional. a large outdoor patio was built so that i can have more freedom to enjoy our outdoor space. it's been well worth the time and energy, not to mention the drain on our retirement savings.
- shifts in health require making daily decisions about and minor corrections to diet, exercise, and emotional attitudes. theater tickets have to be rescheduled, social events postponed, and plans put on the back burner. it's an annoying but necessary adaptation to the realities of life.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Changes, changes everywhere
the richey-suttles world has been transformed in the last week. several big positive changes have occurred which make this home... home.
after one week of donna's retirement, we are still talking, laughing, and sleeping together. it's been really wonderful having her home. of course, the usual conflicts happen when two people spend so much time together in the same house. but that is like adding a pinch chipotle powder and a can of beer to the chili.
our backyard is changing into a space that is much more accessible and attractive. curvy sidewalks... extending outside patio... ample sidewalks... tree limbs and bushes have been cut, mulch has been spread, and a few flowers have been planted. hugo and i will enjoy more time outdoors.
yesterday i received word that my social security disability claim has been approved! this is big because most claims, as i have been told, are rejected the first time. relief doesn't quite capture the feelings.
this is a week i will savor with the senses. and the memories senses hold will remain with me for a long time.
after one week of donna's retirement, we are still talking, laughing, and sleeping together. it's been really wonderful having her home. of course, the usual conflicts happen when two people spend so much time together in the same house. but that is like adding a pinch chipotle powder and a can of beer to the chili.
our backyard is changing into a space that is much more accessible and attractive. curvy sidewalks... extending outside patio... ample sidewalks... tree limbs and bushes have been cut, mulch has been spread, and a few flowers have been planted. hugo and i will enjoy more time outdoors.
yesterday i received word that my social security disability claim has been approved! this is big because most claims, as i have been told, are rejected the first time. relief doesn't quite capture the feelings.
this is a week i will savor with the senses. and the memories senses hold will remain with me for a long time.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Cheese puffs
we had company this weekend which filled the house with laughter. and we bought special treats. one of my favorites is the baked cheese puffs that turn my fingers a florescent orange. they are wonderfully crunchy, colorful, and comforting. although i must admit, they don't have the greatest taste. but the 3 c's make up for it. i would not want them all the time; i would get tired of them, i am sure. but as something to anticipate on special occasions..... oh, baby!!
retirement is somewhat like the cheese puffs. anticipating something that will happen soon adds delight to my day. i like to think about it, imagine how it will be, and revving up for the event.
but that anticipation also adds energy to my day... today. it revs me up to "do" today with more gumption and spontaneity. making today special is like opening a bag of cheese puffs as if i had not tasted them for months.
retirement is somewhat like the cheese puffs. anticipating something that will happen soon adds delight to my day. i like to think about it, imagine how it will be, and revving up for the event.
but that anticipation also adds energy to my day... today. it revs me up to "do" today with more gumption and spontaneity. making today special is like opening a bag of cheese puffs as if i had not tasted them for months.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Waiting
So we've waited four weeks for the tree cutters to trim our trees. they are not answering our calls. so we contacted another tree service to come for an estimate on tuesday evening. and the waiting continues.
So we've waited a long time... and now donna's final week of work is upon us. and the waiting now is getting annoying. friday will finally get here. won't it?
i had a 'suspicious' ct scan recently. so the doc wants another scan in july. waiting for that test, and the results is uncomfortable. i am not a fan of the word 'suspicious' unless it's in a mystery novel.
now, i am used (almost) to waiting for donna when we go somewhere. she likes to 'enjoy her activities' until the last minute and then get dressed. we have had conversations for over 26 years about her last minute rush and about my impatience.
waiting is a curious beast. it brings with i distortions in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. while waiting for somethings, my mind whirls, my emotions intensify, and my behaviors are slightly unpredictable. waiting seems to take over... if i let it.
over the last few years i have attempted to make peace with waiting. and it works sometimes when i realize i have little control over it. my energy is precious to me; i don't want to spend it on things icannot change.
so i wait, intentionally calming myself with the voice of reason. the future will become the present. it really will. so i bide my time with things i enjoy... things that make pass more quickly.
just like right now... i am waiting to hit the sack. tired from the day and anxious for a good nite's sleep. that will come in about 40 minutes. in the meantime, i focus on other things. and before you know it... 9:15 has come, missing my goal of a 9pm bedtime.
wez funny creatures, ain't we?
So we've waited a long time... and now donna's final week of work is upon us. and the waiting now is getting annoying. friday will finally get here. won't it?
i had a 'suspicious' ct scan recently. so the doc wants another scan in july. waiting for that test, and the results is uncomfortable. i am not a fan of the word 'suspicious' unless it's in a mystery novel.
now, i am used (almost) to waiting for donna when we go somewhere. she likes to 'enjoy her activities' until the last minute and then get dressed. we have had conversations for over 26 years about her last minute rush and about my impatience.
waiting is a curious beast. it brings with i distortions in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. while waiting for somethings, my mind whirls, my emotions intensify, and my behaviors are slightly unpredictable. waiting seems to take over... if i let it.
over the last few years i have attempted to make peace with waiting. and it works sometimes when i realize i have little control over it. my energy is precious to me; i don't want to spend it on things icannot change.
so i wait, intentionally calming myself with the voice of reason. the future will become the present. it really will. so i bide my time with things i enjoy... things that make pass more quickly.
just like right now... i am waiting to hit the sack. tired from the day and anxious for a good nite's sleep. that will come in about 40 minutes. in the meantime, i focus on other things. and before you know it... 9:15 has come, missing my goal of a 9pm bedtime.
wez funny creatures, ain't we?
Monday, June 6, 2011
It sucks
yesterday i had a wonderful time at my nephew's graduation party. i saw old and dear friends, which was such a treat. today, i have an elevated temperature. damn! it's seems that being around a group of people results in yet another setback. i am not one to feel sorry for myself; i am a fighter. but today i feel nothing but pity. granted, those days will happen. i hate the feeling of being isolated. donna and i were supposed to meet friends for dinner tonight. NOT!
so i sit here with my fever hoping it will go away soon.
i hate crying, but that is all i have to give.
so i sit here with my fever hoping it will go away soon.
i hate crying, but that is all i have to give.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Sensational
yesterday i made myself a glass of 'grandma hughes' coffee. there are no extraordinary ingredients. but just a taste of the drink takes me back immediately to memories of time with her, sitting in the rocking chair, talking about anything and everything, and feeling content with the 'safest' person on earth.
the doobie brothers scored a hit with 'black water' about the time i was dating someone. even now the song on the radio brings memories of riding the car, caring deeply about this person.
posted on facebook were some pictures of two friends who had travelled to england, visiting sites that donna and i had visited years ago. viewing those pictures brought memories of a boat tour on the river thames, visiting buckingham palace, eating dull english food, and visiting several pubs. also, they brought back the beauty of the lake district and the horror of donna almost falling off a cliff.
nanny would travel from dayton to columbus almost every weekend to visit us. the usual routine on saturday was to go shopping, stop for lunch, and pick up doughnuts for sunday breakfast. shopping was a treat for me, seeing all the colors and feeling the different textures of the fabrics. a special highlight was visiting the coat department where i learned to identify the different types of fur coats by sight and by feel. i am sure the salesperson knew who i was and even expected this little kid returning to inspect the coats.
senses not only allow us to experience the present in a number of ways, but they allow for a plethora of memories, both pleasant and painful, to become a part of who we are today. they can remind us and teach us the value of living life to it's fullest.
having limited mobility, of course, has many downsides. i am bound by the ableness of my body. but no matter. wherever i am, i can experience life. this morning as i sit watching the sunrise, feeling the cool air, and hearing the familiar sounds of birds and coffee being made (some of which will be iced coffee before the end of the day!).
the body can limit. but the mind, with the imprint of the past and the information of the present, is limitless. just as a good novel can allow me to experience vicariously another life, so can the senses allow me to experience and re-experience a full and enriched life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqZ95a249p0
the doobie brothers scored a hit with 'black water' about the time i was dating someone. even now the song on the radio brings memories of riding the car, caring deeply about this person.
posted on facebook were some pictures of two friends who had travelled to england, visiting sites that donna and i had visited years ago. viewing those pictures brought memories of a boat tour on the river thames, visiting buckingham palace, eating dull english food, and visiting several pubs. also, they brought back the beauty of the lake district and the horror of donna almost falling off a cliff.
nanny would travel from dayton to columbus almost every weekend to visit us. the usual routine on saturday was to go shopping, stop for lunch, and pick up doughnuts for sunday breakfast. shopping was a treat for me, seeing all the colors and feeling the different textures of the fabrics. a special highlight was visiting the coat department where i learned to identify the different types of fur coats by sight and by feel. i am sure the salesperson knew who i was and even expected this little kid returning to inspect the coats.
senses not only allow us to experience the present in a number of ways, but they allow for a plethora of memories, both pleasant and painful, to become a part of who we are today. they can remind us and teach us the value of living life to it's fullest.
having limited mobility, of course, has many downsides. i am bound by the ableness of my body. but no matter. wherever i am, i can experience life. this morning as i sit watching the sunrise, feeling the cool air, and hearing the familiar sounds of birds and coffee being made (some of which will be iced coffee before the end of the day!).
the body can limit. but the mind, with the imprint of the past and the information of the present, is limitless. just as a good novel can allow me to experience vicariously another life, so can the senses allow me to experience and re-experience a full and enriched life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqZ95a249p0
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sixteen
as of today, the magic number is 16 which indicates a new chapter in our home. it symbolizes achievement, loyalty, and perseverance. also, it represents a new routine, adjustments, and compromise.
donna has 16 more working days before she retires. she has worked since she was barely an adult. her professions have taken her to several places inside and outside the USA. having had at least three major career changes and many jobs within those careers, her time has been filled with excitement, danger, fulfillment, frustration, and stress. and now, she can say good-bye to full-time work.
anyone who knows donna views her as a super-energetic woman. as such, her retirement years will include projects, occasional part-time work, and continual learning. donna is a lifetime student and a voracious reader. she will discover new interests and roles. she loves life! my pride for her is immense.
during the eight months of retirement, i have found a satisfying pace with plenty of alone time. solitude has become a friend, a teacher, and a comfort. and at 5:30 each day, i looking forward to donna walking in the door having finished yet another day of work. four o'clock finds me watching the clock in anticipation of her arrival and of an evening spent together.
this transitions comes with challenges for her and me. since both of us are retired, we will spend much more time together. as much as i am looking forward to that, i understand that it will be a time of adjustment for both of us. and i am sure we will have to change, compromise, and at times compete for 'space'. we will learn how to live with each other in a whole new way.
the biggest challenge for me is facing the unknown. i have so many questions about our 'duel retirement' status. the unknown brings with it both anticipation and anxiety. how will our new life together take shape? that will only be answered after 16 working days from now.
the most valuable assets we have are our love, commitment, and strong communication skills. already having many conversations about her retirement, we have built an important context for sharing our thoughts and feelings about this transition. expressing our dreams, hopes, and fears have provided a way to move into this 'new life' together.
finally, i have confidence that we will not only work out the kinks, but will find a contented, satisfying lifestyle together. strong evidence from the last 26 years together proves to me that we will be not just ok, but that we will be wildly successful at this next phase of our lives.
welcome home donna. ivry, ruthie and i await you with open arms!
donna has 16 more working days before she retires. she has worked since she was barely an adult. her professions have taken her to several places inside and outside the USA. having had at least three major career changes and many jobs within those careers, her time has been filled with excitement, danger, fulfillment, frustration, and stress. and now, she can say good-bye to full-time work.
anyone who knows donna views her as a super-energetic woman. as such, her retirement years will include projects, occasional part-time work, and continual learning. donna is a lifetime student and a voracious reader. she will discover new interests and roles. she loves life! my pride for her is immense.
during the eight months of retirement, i have found a satisfying pace with plenty of alone time. solitude has become a friend, a teacher, and a comfort. and at 5:30 each day, i looking forward to donna walking in the door having finished yet another day of work. four o'clock finds me watching the clock in anticipation of her arrival and of an evening spent together.
this transitions comes with challenges for her and me. since both of us are retired, we will spend much more time together. as much as i am looking forward to that, i understand that it will be a time of adjustment for both of us. and i am sure we will have to change, compromise, and at times compete for 'space'. we will learn how to live with each other in a whole new way.
the biggest challenge for me is facing the unknown. i have so many questions about our 'duel retirement' status. the unknown brings with it both anticipation and anxiety. how will our new life together take shape? that will only be answered after 16 working days from now.
the most valuable assets we have are our love, commitment, and strong communication skills. already having many conversations about her retirement, we have built an important context for sharing our thoughts and feelings about this transition. expressing our dreams, hopes, and fears have provided a way to move into this 'new life' together.
finally, i have confidence that we will not only work out the kinks, but will find a contented, satisfying lifestyle together. strong evidence from the last 26 years together proves to me that we will be not just ok, but that we will be wildly successful at this next phase of our lives.
welcome home donna. ivry, ruthie and i await you with open arms!
Friday, May 13, 2011
99 bottles of .....
well, not exactly 99. but nine is more like it.
earlier this week, i received a call at 10am from the office of my new pulmonologist in cincinnati. there was a 4pm opening. i had a july appointment, but apparently i was on a waiting list. donna got off work and we made the hour trip... MUCH better than the 4 hour trip to cleveland.
when he came into the consultation room, he introduced himself and sat down (pretty kewl for a doc!). he said he had read my medical records and had seen my labs. but he wanted to 'hear my story' before going any further. WOWOWOWOW! a doctor asking to hear a patient's story? i hit the high/low points, and he listened... really listened. he had me at 'story'!
the consultation lasted 45 minutes, after which he ordered a ct scan of my lungs and some blood tests.
here is where the 'nine' comes in. this morning, i had my blood drawn. and the vampire appeared!!!!! he had 9 vials to fill... with my blood. my first question was, 'will i faint?'.
the morning was long. i ate a quick breakfast before another fast. i couldn't eat or drink for four hours before the ct scan at noon. it was a challenge, and i did it.
when i left the building, i suddenly turned into a vampire. i wanted protein.... red meat.... quarter pounder... with cheese... i was feeling a bit woozy, and my my body craved... well, you get the picture.
btw, nine vials of blood in one day is a record for me. i hope that record won't be broken!
earlier this week, i received a call at 10am from the office of my new pulmonologist in cincinnati. there was a 4pm opening. i had a july appointment, but apparently i was on a waiting list. donna got off work and we made the hour trip... MUCH better than the 4 hour trip to cleveland.
when he came into the consultation room, he introduced himself and sat down (pretty kewl for a doc!). he said he had read my medical records and had seen my labs. but he wanted to 'hear my story' before going any further. WOWOWOWOW! a doctor asking to hear a patient's story? i hit the high/low points, and he listened... really listened. he had me at 'story'!
the consultation lasted 45 minutes, after which he ordered a ct scan of my lungs and some blood tests.
here is where the 'nine' comes in. this morning, i had my blood drawn. and the vampire appeared!!!!! he had 9 vials to fill... with my blood. my first question was, 'will i faint?'.
the morning was long. i ate a quick breakfast before another fast. i couldn't eat or drink for four hours before the ct scan at noon. it was a challenge, and i did it.
when i left the building, i suddenly turned into a vampire. i wanted protein.... red meat.... quarter pounder... with cheese... i was feeling a bit woozy, and my my body craved... well, you get the picture.
btw, nine vials of blood in one day is a record for me. i hope that record won't be broken!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Finger-crossing
as a child, i used to cross my fingers behind my back in order to nullify a promise... or to tell a lie without 'really' telling a lie. i also used it as a good-luck wish, either for myself or for others. if i were to face a challenging situation, like a spelling test, i would ask others to cross their fingers for me. even now, i will say 'good luck' or 'i'll cross my fingers for you'. in fact, i will admit to crossing my fingers at times when i want a bit of luck.
today is one of those finger-crossing days.
yesterday, i went to a pain management doctor to determine if a medical procedure would help with the pain i have been experiencing. already ruled out was any major structural damage to my spine, so surgery was not necessary. for days i had been very anxious about this doctor's visit because i was hoping he could help me. after looking at my mri's and examined me and then sat down to talk. by the look on his face, i knew that news was not going to be pleasant. basically, he told me there was nothing he could do for me, given the type of pain i had been experiencing for so long, i had been visiting doctors, attending physical therapy three times a week, and having various tests done to determine what was going on with me. and now the doctor in whom i had placed a lot of hope had nothing to offer.
that is except this: he said there was a very low chance that steroid injections could help, but he doubted that they would help in my case. instead he recommended an increase in pain medication... just what i didn't want to do! with tears streaming down my face, i listened to his explanations trying to find hope in any word that he might say. and that didn't happen.
we were about finished with the consult when i asked him (almost begged him) to try those injections. he was very hesitant, but relented after my persuasion skills made a dent in this thinking. he checked his schedule to make sure he had time to do it.. right then.
taking off my shirt, i directed him toward the three main pain spots on my back. then he injected six shots of steroids into the painful areas. inside, i applauded myself for being so persistent. he said to call him in a week if i had any improvement. i was almost certain he was thinking, 'i won't see this guy anymore'.
the day was exhausting, so i went to bed at 7am. i wanted to escape all the frustration and disappointment i had experienced. and i fell into a deep sleep for almost 9 hours, which i highly unusual for me.
this morning i woke up and started my routine of brushing my teeth, making coffee, and settling into my chair to catch up on news and emails. and then i realize that something was missing. where was the pain? i could twist my neck, my back wasn't throbbing, i could stand without hurting. what the hell was going on?
after that moment of shock, i started laughing. the injections had worked! i felt as giddy as scrooge when he awoke to christmas morning realizing he was still alive. i did have enough sense not to dance around and jump on the bed in joy. but i could hardly believe it. i had found some relief as evidenced by the tears that ran down my face. i was tempted to wake donna up, but i knew she needed her sleep.
so i took my coffee into the sunroom, powered on my computer, and still wondered where the pain was. this couldn't be happening! and i even felt rested, which is rare these days. it seemed like hours before donna finally walked in to the room. and she shared my joy when i told her.
all day i have cautioned myself not to get all revved up. i have resisted doing chores that would normally hurt. but inside, i have been crossing my fingers. would this last beyond a day? week? i want luck and i wanted assurance, both of which are impossible. but i crossed my fingers anyway and i decided to enjoy the pain-free day.
will it last? i don't know.
will i be able to be more limber, more mobile, more active? i don't know.
time will tell. but for today, all i can feel is a big HOORAY!
i can't wait to call the doctor next wednesday!
today is one of those finger-crossing days.
yesterday, i went to a pain management doctor to determine if a medical procedure would help with the pain i have been experiencing. already ruled out was any major structural damage to my spine, so surgery was not necessary. for days i had been very anxious about this doctor's visit because i was hoping he could help me. after looking at my mri's and examined me and then sat down to talk. by the look on his face, i knew that news was not going to be pleasant. basically, he told me there was nothing he could do for me, given the type of pain i had been experiencing for so long, i had been visiting doctors, attending physical therapy three times a week, and having various tests done to determine what was going on with me. and now the doctor in whom i had placed a lot of hope had nothing to offer.
that is except this: he said there was a very low chance that steroid injections could help, but he doubted that they would help in my case. instead he recommended an increase in pain medication... just what i didn't want to do! with tears streaming down my face, i listened to his explanations trying to find hope in any word that he might say. and that didn't happen.
we were about finished with the consult when i asked him (almost begged him) to try those injections. he was very hesitant, but relented after my persuasion skills made a dent in this thinking. he checked his schedule to make sure he had time to do it.. right then.
taking off my shirt, i directed him toward the three main pain spots on my back. then he injected six shots of steroids into the painful areas. inside, i applauded myself for being so persistent. he said to call him in a week if i had any improvement. i was almost certain he was thinking, 'i won't see this guy anymore'.
the day was exhausting, so i went to bed at 7am. i wanted to escape all the frustration and disappointment i had experienced. and i fell into a deep sleep for almost 9 hours, which i highly unusual for me.
this morning i woke up and started my routine of brushing my teeth, making coffee, and settling into my chair to catch up on news and emails. and then i realize that something was missing. where was the pain? i could twist my neck, my back wasn't throbbing, i could stand without hurting. what the hell was going on?
after that moment of shock, i started laughing. the injections had worked! i felt as giddy as scrooge when he awoke to christmas morning realizing he was still alive. i did have enough sense not to dance around and jump on the bed in joy. but i could hardly believe it. i had found some relief as evidenced by the tears that ran down my face. i was tempted to wake donna up, but i knew she needed her sleep.
so i took my coffee into the sunroom, powered on my computer, and still wondered where the pain was. this couldn't be happening! and i even felt rested, which is rare these days. it seemed like hours before donna finally walked in to the room. and she shared my joy when i told her.
all day i have cautioned myself not to get all revved up. i have resisted doing chores that would normally hurt. but inside, i have been crossing my fingers. would this last beyond a day? week? i want luck and i wanted assurance, both of which are impossible. but i crossed my fingers anyway and i decided to enjoy the pain-free day.
will it last? i don't know.
will i be able to be more limber, more mobile, more active? i don't know.
time will tell. but for today, all i can feel is a big HOORAY!
i can't wait to call the doctor next wednesday!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Learning by example
i have learned from and modeled myself after many people in order to become the person i am today. two important examples come from the lives of my parents.
my father was a minister. he had served in that role since graduating from college in the early 1940's. and he continued to preach until the early 1980's. after approximately 2 years in zanesville, ohio, he moved to columbus, where he spent the rest of his professional life at shepard/shapherd church. during his ministry, he learned to preach, to perform weddings and funerals, to visit hospitals and homes in order comfort people, to counsel those who were in trouble and who were hurting, to deal with various delicate situations that happen in most churches, to be a fund-raiser, and to be an overseer of two building projects. he also learned to be a husband, husband-in-law, father, father-in-law, and grandfather. so many transformations within one profession, and at mostly at one location.
he met my mother when she lead a youth revival at shepard church in 1949 or 1950 and subsequently married her on january 1, 1951. she was an evangelist/preacher from the time she was a teenager. she traveled by bus, train, and car to churches in towns whose names many people would not recognize. she learned to work with people who had various expectations of a female preacher. she learned to be assertive in the face of prejudice and legalism.
my mother was a housewife and soon after a mother with the birth of my brother in 1953, myself in 1954, and my sister in 1960. during that time, she learned to establish her role as and woman, a wife, an adult daughter, a mother, and an in-law. also, she defined for herself what it meant for her to be the partner of a minister. many expectations were placed on a minister's wife in those days. i think mom conformed when she could, and transformed the role to be true to herself. of course, many in the church supported her decisions to make the role her own. and she evolved over time as a counselor, sunday school teacher, occasional preacher and evangelist, fund-raiser, and vacation bible school director to name a few.
a major transformation came in the 1960's when she decided, with my father's encouragement, to enter college to become an elementary school teacher. suddenly, stacks of books appeared and much time was devoted to studying. for four years, she redefined her many roles. other re-definitions came when she became a full-time teacher. in the years since my father died in 1988, she learned to be a single woman before re-marrying in 1995.
what i learned from parents was a importance of defining what it is to be me. from my father, i learned, among other things, to respect women and to value the stability of a career. from my mother, i learned the importance of re-defining myself/my roles due to my choices and to situations in my life that i did not choose.
even now, i am learning a new type of stability as a retired person with a disability by establishing new routines and roles. the challenge comes in being assertive by letting go of self-expectations and the expectations of others. it comes from learning to deal with the medical profession and with chronic medical conditions. the reward comes from the satisfaction of transforming myself, again, into the person i want to be by following new dreams and by pursuing new interests. and i continue to follow the lives of others as examples of how to do all of this.
my father was a minister. he had served in that role since graduating from college in the early 1940's. and he continued to preach until the early 1980's. after approximately 2 years in zanesville, ohio, he moved to columbus, where he spent the rest of his professional life at shepard/shapherd church. during his ministry, he learned to preach, to perform weddings and funerals, to visit hospitals and homes in order comfort people, to counsel those who were in trouble and who were hurting, to deal with various delicate situations that happen in most churches, to be a fund-raiser, and to be an overseer of two building projects. he also learned to be a husband, husband-in-law, father, father-in-law, and grandfather. so many transformations within one profession, and at mostly at one location.
he met my mother when she lead a youth revival at shepard church in 1949 or 1950 and subsequently married her on january 1, 1951. she was an evangelist/preacher from the time she was a teenager. she traveled by bus, train, and car to churches in towns whose names many people would not recognize. she learned to work with people who had various expectations of a female preacher. she learned to be assertive in the face of prejudice and legalism.
my mother was a housewife and soon after a mother with the birth of my brother in 1953, myself in 1954, and my sister in 1960. during that time, she learned to establish her role as and woman, a wife, an adult daughter, a mother, and an in-law. also, she defined for herself what it meant for her to be the partner of a minister. many expectations were placed on a minister's wife in those days. i think mom conformed when she could, and transformed the role to be true to herself. of course, many in the church supported her decisions to make the role her own. and she evolved over time as a counselor, sunday school teacher, occasional preacher and evangelist, fund-raiser, and vacation bible school director to name a few.
a major transformation came in the 1960's when she decided, with my father's encouragement, to enter college to become an elementary school teacher. suddenly, stacks of books appeared and much time was devoted to studying. for four years, she redefined her many roles. other re-definitions came when she became a full-time teacher. in the years since my father died in 1988, she learned to be a single woman before re-marrying in 1995.
what i learned from parents was a importance of defining what it is to be me. from my father, i learned, among other things, to respect women and to value the stability of a career. from my mother, i learned the importance of re-defining myself/my roles due to my choices and to situations in my life that i did not choose.
even now, i am learning a new type of stability as a retired person with a disability by establishing new routines and roles. the challenge comes in being assertive by letting go of self-expectations and the expectations of others. it comes from learning to deal with the medical profession and with chronic medical conditions. the reward comes from the satisfaction of transforming myself, again, into the person i want to be by following new dreams and by pursuing new interests. and i continue to follow the lives of others as examples of how to do all of this.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Un-inspiration
not everyday has to include inspiration. realizing that reduces pressure... and expectations. i usually write out of something inspiring... something that jolts me into a feeling of gratitude, joy, or pain out of which comes out-of-the-box thoughts for me.
lately, that has not happened. not that inspiration is absent, but perhaps i haven't been looking. or wanting to look. i start to blog about something and my interest quickly wanes.
so today, i write about un-inspiration. this is not a poor-me topic. it is, however, one that happens occasionally. whether it is a natural protection against too much mental stimulation/anxiety, pain, depression, or just boredom, 'uninspired' comes to live for awhile.
fighting it brings frustration. it's not as if i can suddenly decide to get inspired. the best response is to wait and allow the senses to work. and eventually something i see, hear, etc., comes along and with it, inspiration. i have learned to trust that.
lately, that has not happened. not that inspiration is absent, but perhaps i haven't been looking. or wanting to look. i start to blog about something and my interest quickly wanes.
so today, i write about un-inspiration. this is not a poor-me topic. it is, however, one that happens occasionally. whether it is a natural protection against too much mental stimulation/anxiety, pain, depression, or just boredom, 'uninspired' comes to live for awhile.
fighting it brings frustration. it's not as if i can suddenly decide to get inspired. the best response is to wait and allow the senses to work. and eventually something i see, hear, etc., comes along and with it, inspiration. i have learned to trust that.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Figment
imagine for a moment (as rod serling used to say) a 300 lbs. man lying on his stomach with pressure applied to his back while, at the same time, trying to breath. it is a story of slight amusement mixed with pain and semi-suffocation. you are entering the twilight zone.
indeed, i had to laugh a bit yesterday during my physical therapy treatment. for 20 minutes, kelly applied with her hands various levels of pressure on my back. focusing on the three 'hot spots', she was careful and yet it really, really hurt. and as she pressed, i would blow out air.
frequently she would ask me if the pain was too much. all i could think of was, "stephen, stephen are you ok?" kinda of cpr annie facedown
i told her to continue if she thought the pain was worth the subsequent relief. afterwards, i sit up on the bed, lightheaded and drained. i imagined what the relief would feel like in a few hours. it was a misty water-colored image.
then kelly escorted me to the traction room where she applied two strips of kenesio tape down the length of my spine. of course, she noticed two strips of missing hair where donna had assisting me in pulling of the first application of the tape. imagine tire tracks in a field of grass!!
and then... 20 minutes of gumby traction.
i came home to rest. we were going to the play 'avenue q' and i was determined to see it! the play was hilarious, all 150 minutes of it. imagine puppets and people intermingling to create a story of finding one own's purpose. my purpose for the evening was to stay focused even as i felt like one of the puppets with a rod up it's back. i was tempted, slightly, to go onstage and play a role.
the irony of fighting pain with ridiculous, hilarious images is fascinating. but sometimes it works.
rod serling...
cpr annie...
redford and streisand...
tire tracks on my back...
having a rod up my... spine, being controlled by a puppeteer.
figment has helped me out many times. figment, of course, is the tour guide through 'journey into imagination' at disney world. i brought him home with me over 20 years ago in the guise of a stuffed animal. although he is long gone from our home, he continues to remind me that just a figment of my imagination can get me through a rough time.
indeed, i had to laugh a bit yesterday during my physical therapy treatment. for 20 minutes, kelly applied with her hands various levels of pressure on my back. focusing on the three 'hot spots', she was careful and yet it really, really hurt. and as she pressed, i would blow out air.
frequently she would ask me if the pain was too much. all i could think of was, "stephen, stephen are you ok?" kinda of cpr annie facedown
then kelly escorted me to the traction room where she applied two strips of kenesio tape down the length of my spine. of course, she noticed two strips of missing hair where donna had assisting me in pulling of the first application of the tape. imagine tire tracks in a field of grass!!
i came home to rest. we were going to the play 'avenue q' and i was determined to see it! the play was hilarious, all 150 minutes of it. imagine puppets and people intermingling to create a story of finding one own's purpose. my purpose for the evening was to stay focused even as i felt like one of the puppets with a rod up it's back. i was tempted, slightly, to go onstage and play a role.
the irony of fighting pain with ridiculous, hilarious images is fascinating. but sometimes it works.
rod serling...
cpr annie...
redford and streisand...
tire tracks on my back...
having a rod up my... spine, being controlled by a puppeteer.
figment has helped me out many times. figment, of course, is the tour guide through 'journey into imagination' at disney world. i brought him home with me over 20 years ago in the guise of a stuffed animal. although he is long gone from our home, he continues to remind me that just a figment of my imagination can get me through a rough time. sure would like to have my figment stuffed imaginimal back....
Monday, March 21, 2011
Jamie
i never met him. never heard his voice. never texted him. yet jamie was a friend.
we met playing an online game that has a chat feature. we became friends by sharing silly things, talking about serious things, and checking up on each other. in december, he told me he was going for a bone marrow transplant... his second one. he was confident that he would be in remission after the procedure.
he never recovered. he stay in isolation at the hospital for weeks. sometimes he was too weak to chat, but he would frequently send a message to say hello.
last week his partner wrote me saying that jamie had died. what a heartbreaking end to a 26 year old man's life.
opportunities for friendship and support are everywhere. it may take several tries, but someone comes along who wants to connect... like jamie and me. when feeling isolated, i remind myself to choose to keep my eyes open, my ear to the ground and my heart open. friendships can come along. and they do.
we met playing an online game that has a chat feature. we became friends by sharing silly things, talking about serious things, and checking up on each other. in december, he told me he was going for a bone marrow transplant... his second one. he was confident that he would be in remission after the procedure.
he never recovered. he stay in isolation at the hospital for weeks. sometimes he was too weak to chat, but he would frequently send a message to say hello.
last week his partner wrote me saying that jamie had died. what a heartbreaking end to a 26 year old man's life.
opportunities for friendship and support are everywhere. it may take several tries, but someone comes along who wants to connect... like jamie and me. when feeling isolated, i remind myself to choose to keep my eyes open, my ear to the ground and my heart open. friendships can come along. and they do.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Fucking day...
sometimes life sucks big time on this emotional roller coaster. i had to 'twist the arm' of my pcp's nurse for an appt. to go over my mri results. arthritis and 'possible' impingement in my spine is the report. but what the hell does that mean. monday, i see my pcp. i NEED options.
i am growing weary of all this waiting. the pain is intense, and the answers are nebulous. yes, today is a discouraging day.... not to mention that i found a dent in my new car. what asshole would not leave a note?????
i cannot deal with this back pain much longer. there has to be answers, even if it means surgery. what is life if there is not quality of life.
i am a fighter. i have worked thru a lot of challenges. right now, i am stymied; i am counting on doctors' recommendations for options. for the first time, i am ok with surgery if it will relieve this back pain.
i miss cooking. it just hurts too much to chop, cut, mix, etc. i just cant have that passion taking away from me.
some days are better than others.... this is not a good one. fur shur.
i am growing weary of all this waiting. the pain is intense, and the answers are nebulous. yes, today is a discouraging day.... not to mention that i found a dent in my new car. what asshole would not leave a note?????
i cannot deal with this back pain much longer. there has to be answers, even if it means surgery. what is life if there is not quality of life.
i am a fighter. i have worked thru a lot of challenges. right now, i am stymied; i am counting on doctors' recommendations for options. for the first time, i am ok with surgery if it will relieve this back pain.
i miss cooking. it just hurts too much to chop, cut, mix, etc. i just cant have that passion taking away from me.
some days are better than others.... this is not a good one. fur shur.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Horrid herod
one favorite and scary parts of christmas was the christmas play at church. i loved the costumed adult characters, the fake beards, the flowing robes, and the makeup. but the thing that scared me was when herod became angry. danny clay, who played herod, had a booming voice. and he knew how to use it. as the scene approached, i would hold on to my mother to steady myself. when the scene finished, i was relieved as well as excited that i had 'made it through' another herod scene.
i eagerly awaited the premiere of 'raiders of the lost ark'. in all the action of the movie, the scene in which harrison ford fell into a pit of snakes propelled me about 10 feet into the air. later, i took a friend to see it. he jumped, but i jumped again, maybe 8.5 feet. it was crazy seeing the movie at least 4 more times, but i wanted to recreate that fear and the relief that came with it.
saturday we vacation in puerto rico for a week. the excitement is growing by the hour, as is the fear. the excitement is about flying for the first time since i became ill. since i never thought i could fly again, this opportunity holds very special meaning. but i fear, to some degree, the risks taken due to my health. also, i wonder how much i can get around. but as i say to donna, i hurt whether i go or stay home. so, let's go!
i anticipate that upon returning home next week, i will feel the relief of successfully facing the fear. but more importantly, i expect to feel the satisfaction (as i do now) that i won't allow the fear to control my life and spoil the fun.
i eagerly awaited the premiere of 'raiders of the lost ark'. in all the action of the movie, the scene in which harrison ford fell into a pit of snakes propelled me about 10 feet into the air. later, i took a friend to see it. he jumped, but i jumped again, maybe 8.5 feet. it was crazy seeing the movie at least 4 more times, but i wanted to recreate that fear and the relief that came with it.
saturday we vacation in puerto rico for a week. the excitement is growing by the hour, as is the fear. the excitement is about flying for the first time since i became ill. since i never thought i could fly again, this opportunity holds very special meaning. but i fear, to some degree, the risks taken due to my health. also, i wonder how much i can get around. but as i say to donna, i hurt whether i go or stay home. so, let's go!
i anticipate that upon returning home next week, i will feel the relief of successfully facing the fear. but more importantly, i expect to feel the satisfaction (as i do now) that i won't allow the fear to control my life and spoil the fun.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tracing paper
this morning i used tracing paper to transfer a picture i had drawn to a new page in my sketch pad. unfortunately, i had used the wrong colors on the original page. i was able, very easily, to recover the drawing so that i could start over again. so what to do with the original page? either i could tear out the page or keep it as a reminder that the process of drawing is not about perfection but about learning as i go.
i have a tendency to replay in my mind poor choices made that have been embarrassing. i wish i could take them back. i don't want people to remember me for those choices. on the other hand, how can i grow unless i learn from my mistakes and move forward.
regretting usually leads me into self-berating which, in turn, can lead to depression. that is a road on which i wish to avoid. the alternative is learning from my mistakes. but what does that mean?
learning takes place when behavior change comes from change in intention and attitude. as a child, i scribbled on grandma hughes' metal cabinet at church with permanent marker. after denying the deed, i finally came clean to my mom. i was not allowed to have dinner at her house until i apologized. stubborn me delayed the inevitable, but eventually i apologized. grandma wasn't angry with me... she was hurt which caused me to re-think my behavior. i would do anything NOT to hurt grandma. i never had a desire to use permanent markers that way again. even though i had to see my graffiti after that, it was alright. after all, grandma had forgiven me... and we moved on.
i have a tendency to replay in my mind poor choices made that have been embarrassing. i wish i could take them back. i don't want people to remember me for those choices. on the other hand, how can i grow unless i learn from my mistakes and move forward.
regretting usually leads me into self-berating which, in turn, can lead to depression. that is a road on which i wish to avoid. the alternative is learning from my mistakes. but what does that mean?
learning takes place when behavior change comes from change in intention and attitude. as a child, i scribbled on grandma hughes' metal cabinet at church with permanent marker. after denying the deed, i finally came clean to my mom. i was not allowed to have dinner at her house until i apologized. stubborn me delayed the inevitable, but eventually i apologized. grandma wasn't angry with me... she was hurt which caused me to re-think my behavior. i would do anything NOT to hurt grandma. i never had a desire to use permanent markers that way again. even though i had to see my graffiti after that, it was alright. after all, grandma had forgiven me... and we moved on.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
S T R E T C H . . .
i knew that navigating retirement would require a stretch in other areas of my life. here are two examples from the last week.
1. i laughed while on a traction machine. it seems i have a bulging disc which is being expressed in a number of symptoms throughout my body. cortisone shots and traction are being tried first. a stabilizer holds my neck in place while the traction device stretches my spine in the hope that the disc will move back into place. yesterday, as i was hooked to a device that was adding 3 inches to my height, three thoughts fueled my laughter:
"ok, stephen, you wanted to be stretched by new post-retirement challenges. here you go!!"
"how many laughs does this device usually generate?"
"now you know how gumby feels."
it was quite the one-person party.
2. i just received a letter from my doctor at the cleveland clinic. jeff chapman, who is my pulmonologist, is leaving the cleveland clinic for a position in abu dhabi. i cried, realizing how much i rely on him. after all, he has been with me from the beginning of this disease. but travelling to abu dhabi for my quarterly check-up probably would be out of the question.
frequently after the initial shock of a ended relationship, a person will do something to feel more in control...
an indulgent purchase..
a different hair style...
a new hobby...
reconnecting with an old friend...
so on the recommendation of a friend who has a similar disease, i have contacted his physician at the university of cincinnati. for me, this is a huge deal. many times i have felt controlled by the whims of this disease. and now one of my mainstays is gone. so contacting the physician gave me some sense of control. no one will take the place of jeff, but building a new relationship with this doctor will be very important.
1. i laughed while on a traction machine. it seems i have a bulging disc which is being expressed in a number of symptoms throughout my body. cortisone shots and traction are being tried first. a stabilizer holds my neck in place while the traction device stretches my spine in the hope that the disc will move back into place. yesterday, as i was hooked to a device that was adding 3 inches to my height, three thoughts fueled my laughter:
"ok, stephen, you wanted to be stretched by new post-retirement challenges. here you go!!"
"how many laughs does this device usually generate?"
"now you know how gumby feels."
it was quite the one-person party.
2. i just received a letter from my doctor at the cleveland clinic. jeff chapman, who is my pulmonologist, is leaving the cleveland clinic for a position in abu dhabi. i cried, realizing how much i rely on him. after all, he has been with me from the beginning of this disease. but travelling to abu dhabi for my quarterly check-up probably would be out of the question.
frequently after the initial shock of a ended relationship, a person will do something to feel more in control...
an indulgent purchase..
a different hair style...
a new hobby...
reconnecting with an old friend...
so on the recommendation of a friend who has a similar disease, i have contacted his physician at the university of cincinnati. for me, this is a huge deal. many times i have felt controlled by the whims of this disease. and now one of my mainstays is gone. so contacting the physician gave me some sense of control. no one will take the place of jeff, but building a new relationship with this doctor will be very important.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Flipping the switch
sitting in the dark watching my lava lamp is mesmerizing. it sits atop our roll-top desk, casting a warm glow on the wall and the ceiling. the beauty, mystery, and slow moving drama of the pink blobs floating in a purple liquid make it something to relish.
next to me is a full-spectrum light i purchased to make the color of my pencils more realistic. as an added feature, it brings a more sharp, vibrant color to the coffee cup, the candle, and other nearby objects.
to enjoy, all i have to do it turn on the switch.
these winter days bring a mystery of their own. my calendar is dotted with doctors' appointments and physical therapy sessions. not on the calendar but ever-present is the pain i experience. the four daily cocktails of medications help my body to function, but each of them have side-effects which in some cases include pain.
in some ways, pain is like light. it holds the mystery of why. it bring the present into clear focus, and it adds drama to my day. it cannot, however, be turned on and off with the flip of a switch.
but i can turn on my perception of and my attitude about it. one choice is to focus on the pain itself, which brings with it a feeling of helplessness. but when i focus instead on the things i can do in spite of the pain, i am filled with hope. it hurts to cook or to draw, but it also hurts when i don't. so why not do those things i enjoy?
pain management is not trying to stop the pain. that just doesn't happen. neither is it about denying it's existence. that can only lead to poor choices. rather, it is about enjoying life while living with it.
next to me is a full-spectrum light i purchased to make the color of my pencils more realistic. as an added feature, it brings a more sharp, vibrant color to the coffee cup, the candle, and other nearby objects.
to enjoy, all i have to do it turn on the switch.
these winter days bring a mystery of their own. my calendar is dotted with doctors' appointments and physical therapy sessions. not on the calendar but ever-present is the pain i experience. the four daily cocktails of medications help my body to function, but each of them have side-effects which in some cases include pain.
in some ways, pain is like light. it holds the mystery of why. it bring the present into clear focus, and it adds drama to my day. it cannot, however, be turned on and off with the flip of a switch.
but i can turn on my perception of and my attitude about it. one choice is to focus on the pain itself, which brings with it a feeling of helplessness. but when i focus instead on the things i can do in spite of the pain, i am filled with hope. it hurts to cook or to draw, but it also hurts when i don't. so why not do those things i enjoy?
pain management is not trying to stop the pain. that just doesn't happen. neither is it about denying it's existence. that can only lead to poor choices. rather, it is about enjoying life while living with it.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Green is not always green
what can i say about my new 'drawing with colored pencils' class? it's fun, different, relaxing, and challenging. two of us students are brand spanking new; the other 11 have taken the class before. i chose this class for two reasons: 1. to explore something artistic that wasn't messy or high-maintenance; 2. i wanted to get out of the house.
since monday, i have spent a lot of time practicing basic techniques of blending, layering, smudging, and highlighting colors. particularly striking is seeing colors i haven't always noticed. this morning i drew an indoor plant. this 'green' plant revealed to me not just green, but forest green, greenish yellow, lime green, yellow, gray, and highlights of white. wow! no wonder foliage looking so fascinating.
retirement is a means of discovering... rediscovering who i am. it is exchanging an 8-cylinder high-endurance model for a more leisurely 4-cylinder that takes less petrol. it is taking turning off the cruise control on a high-speed interstate and driving at my own speed. it requires re-imagining time, perspective, and meaning. perhaps the greatest joy is that i can find what my limited physical capacity can do. choosing interests that require less energy and more satisfaction gives me motivation to stay as active as possible.
envisioning retirement is like seeing the world not as green but as greens and yellows and purples and blues in infinite combinations. the only way to make a new color is to try a new combo of colored pencils. what appears is yet another possibility.
since monday, i have spent a lot of time practicing basic techniques of blending, layering, smudging, and highlighting colors. particularly striking is seeing colors i haven't always noticed. this morning i drew an indoor plant. this 'green' plant revealed to me not just green, but forest green, greenish yellow, lime green, yellow, gray, and highlights of white. wow! no wonder foliage looking so fascinating.
retirement is a means of discovering... rediscovering who i am. it is exchanging an 8-cylinder high-endurance model for a more leisurely 4-cylinder that takes less petrol. it is taking turning off the cruise control on a high-speed interstate and driving at my own speed. it requires re-imagining time, perspective, and meaning. perhaps the greatest joy is that i can find what my limited physical capacity can do. choosing interests that require less energy and more satisfaction gives me motivation to stay as active as possible.
envisioning retirement is like seeing the world not as green but as greens and yellows and purples and blues in infinite combinations. the only way to make a new color is to try a new combo of colored pencils. what appears is yet another possibility.
Monday, January 17, 2011
100 years
my parents made sure that each year we had a vacation. it might be a 3-4 day stay at a motel (complete with a swimming pool) at the lancaster ohio holiday inn. or it could be a trip across the country to attend our church's general assembly. i have retained that love of travel and adventure because of their commitment to 'get away'.
and yet, one of my fondest childhood memories was returning home. we would leap out of the car, not to unload the luggage, but to see grandma hughes. she always, and i mean always, would say, "it seemed like 100 years!" as we attacked her with hugs.
grandma was not a relative by blood, but a next door neighbor who attended our church. she and her husband, mun, made their house our second home. btw, mun was actually named haymond, but we called him mun, because we thought grandma was saying "hey, mun!" rather than "haymond!" when she wanted his attention.
grandma was the most loving person i ever knew. every sunday was spent at her house. after washing the dishes, we would play games. animal, rock, or mineral was a good one as was charades. but the game that stays with me, both literally and figuratively, is chinese checkers. i still the the very board on which she taught me how to play.
frequently, we would take a sunday walk, sometimes as far as the st. mary of the springs school (now called ohio dominican). there were two statues of lions at the entrance, mouths wide open. grandma suggested putting a gum wrapper in one of the mouths. on our return, we look to see if the wrapper was still there. and it was!
grandma was a listening ear, even when i was an adult. i would confide in her about things that i would dare not tell anyone else. and she seemed to understand, or want to understand. bottom line, telling her things was safe and secure. she could straight-forward, sometimes gruff, and quite opinionated. yet, i always was sure of her love for me. always...
what i didn't fully realize until i was older that she was in constant pain. i really didn't know the extent of it until my mother told me when i was a teenager. i remember going up to my room, lying on my bed, and crying. i couldn't stand the thought of her suffering. it broke my heart. and from that day on, i feared her eventual death. and in february of 1985 when i lived in saudi arabia, she died.
one of the many joys of my relationship with grandma is that she never really left. i talk to her daily. i hear her words of wisdom. i feel her arms around me. and listen to her admonishments. i laugh with her. recalling all the memories of her would be impossible. but when i need her, she reminds me of something that helps me.
i am the one in constant pain now, whether it is dull, burning, or intense. in moments of clarity, i am reminded, "if grandma could deal with it, then i can too!". and i keep on truckin'.
note to self: chat with grandma this morning.
and yet, one of my fondest childhood memories was returning home. we would leap out of the car, not to unload the luggage, but to see grandma hughes. she always, and i mean always, would say, "it seemed like 100 years!" as we attacked her with hugs.
grandma was not a relative by blood, but a next door neighbor who attended our church. she and her husband, mun, made their house our second home. btw, mun was actually named haymond, but we called him mun, because we thought grandma was saying "hey, mun!" rather than "haymond!" when she wanted his attention.
grandma was the most loving person i ever knew. every sunday was spent at her house. after washing the dishes, we would play games. animal, rock, or mineral was a good one as was charades. but the game that stays with me, both literally and figuratively, is chinese checkers. i still the the very board on which she taught me how to play.
frequently, we would take a sunday walk, sometimes as far as the st. mary of the springs school (now called ohio dominican). there were two statues of lions at the entrance, mouths wide open. grandma suggested putting a gum wrapper in one of the mouths. on our return, we look to see if the wrapper was still there. and it was!
grandma was a listening ear, even when i was an adult. i would confide in her about things that i would dare not tell anyone else. and she seemed to understand, or want to understand. bottom line, telling her things was safe and secure. she could straight-forward, sometimes gruff, and quite opinionated. yet, i always was sure of her love for me. always...
what i didn't fully realize until i was older that she was in constant pain. i really didn't know the extent of it until my mother told me when i was a teenager. i remember going up to my room, lying on my bed, and crying. i couldn't stand the thought of her suffering. it broke my heart. and from that day on, i feared her eventual death. and in february of 1985 when i lived in saudi arabia, she died.
one of the many joys of my relationship with grandma is that she never really left. i talk to her daily. i hear her words of wisdom. i feel her arms around me. and listen to her admonishments. i laugh with her. recalling all the memories of her would be impossible. but when i need her, she reminds me of something that helps me.
i am the one in constant pain now, whether it is dull, burning, or intense. in moments of clarity, i am reminded, "if grandma could deal with it, then i can too!". and i keep on truckin'.
note to self: chat with grandma this morning.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Seniority rocks!
yesterday i joined a senior center, which accepts people 55 and older. today, i apply for a 'golden buckeye card' which gives me a 10% discount at many businesses. and it's ok with me.
i have dreaded the 'senior' label, for it seems to define a person as nearing the end of life: old, sickly, arthritis, gravity-controlled body parts, retirement with nothing to do, cataracts, 'depends'. and worse of all... loss of independence and freedom.
having arrived now at the official age of senior, i am beginning to relax into my new life. i see now that being a senior has no real meaning to who i am. what defines me are my choices. what shall i do with my life?
today i will sign up for a painting class. later this month i will give a presentation to a group at the university of dayton. i plan to do have physical therapy in a pool. donna and i are reorganizing our roll-top desk so that i can assume responsibility of our finances. i am listening to books on cd because holding a book hurts after a short time.
i am free to make choices within my physical limits;
free to explore and expand my interests;
free to define myself.
ok, so not everything is so rosy. i deal with constant pain, with shortness of breath, with a limited immune system. some days are more difficult than others. i have nine doctors attending to my needs. i will revisit this post when life seems bleak. sometimes i need to be reminded that i freedom of mind and that i always have choices.
i have dreaded the 'senior' label, for it seems to define a person as nearing the end of life: old, sickly, arthritis, gravity-controlled body parts, retirement with nothing to do, cataracts, 'depends'. and worse of all... loss of independence and freedom.
having arrived now at the official age of senior, i am beginning to relax into my new life. i see now that being a senior has no real meaning to who i am. what defines me are my choices. what shall i do with my life?
today i will sign up for a painting class. later this month i will give a presentation to a group at the university of dayton. i plan to do have physical therapy in a pool. donna and i are reorganizing our roll-top desk so that i can assume responsibility of our finances. i am listening to books on cd because holding a book hurts after a short time.
i am free to make choices within my physical limits;
free to explore and expand my interests;
free to define myself.
ok, so not everything is so rosy. i deal with constant pain, with shortness of breath, with a limited immune system. some days are more difficult than others. i have nine doctors attending to my needs. i will revisit this post when life seems bleak. sometimes i need to be reminded that i freedom of mind and that i always have choices.
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