Waking up

having a restful sleep is a wonderful if not luxurious thing. but being asleep on the inside while wide awake is a nightmarish existence.  there has been several times in which my brain was asleep...  my inner eyes were closed...  for significant periods of life. 

how does that happen?  and why?  for me, it has been the inability to cope with something.  rather than seek out help, i have drifted off only to find that life has passed by.  periods of depression since i was a teenager have contributed to the problem.  hopelessness has turned to desperation...  and a couple of times attempts to end my life. 

i have learned that in spite of physical disability and in spite of my body forcing me into retirement, i can still open my eyes to the world.  enjoying life from my perspective has become a daily as expressed, for instance, by taking pride on our home and our yard, sketching and creating, playing the piano, and spending time with donna.  it's doing the best with want i have to give AND to receive. 

jackson browne sings a tune that best describes it best for me. 

"Alive in the Word"

I want to live in the world, not inside my head
I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong
With the voices in the darkness
Fashioning daylight out of song
And the millions of lovers
Alive in the world

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world