as a child, i used to cross my fingers behind my back in order to nullify a promise... or to tell a lie without 'really' telling a lie. i also used it as a good-luck wish, either for myself or for others. if i were to face a challenging situation, like a spelling test, i would ask others to cross their fingers for me. even now, i will say 'good luck' or 'i'll cross my fingers for you'. in fact, i will admit to crossing my fingers at times when i want a bit of luck.
today is one of those finger-crossing days.
yesterday, i went to a pain management doctor to determine if a medical procedure would help with the pain i have been experiencing. already ruled out was any major structural damage to my spine, so surgery was not necessary. for days i had been very anxious about this doctor's visit because i was hoping he could help me. after looking at my mri's and examined me and then sat down to talk. by the look on his face, i knew that news was not going to be pleasant. basically, he told me there was nothing he could do for me, given the type of pain i had been experiencing for so long, i had been visiting doctors, attending physical therapy three times a week, and having various tests done to determine what was going on with me. and now the doctor in whom i had placed a lot of hope had nothing to offer.
that is except this: he said there was a very low chance that steroid injections could help, but he doubted that they would help in my case. instead he recommended an increase in pain medication... just what i didn't want to do! with tears streaming down my face, i listened to his explanations trying to find hope in any word that he might say. and that didn't happen.
we were about finished with the consult when i asked him (almost begged him) to try those injections. he was very hesitant, but relented after my persuasion skills made a dent in this thinking. he checked his schedule to make sure he had time to do it.. right then.
taking off my shirt, i directed him toward the three main pain spots on my back. then he injected six shots of steroids into the painful areas. inside, i applauded myself for being so persistent. he said to call him in a week if i had any improvement. i was almost certain he was thinking, 'i won't see this guy anymore'.
the day was exhausting, so i went to bed at 7am. i wanted to escape all the frustration and disappointment i had experienced. and i fell into a deep sleep for almost 9 hours, which i highly unusual for me.
this morning i woke up and started my routine of brushing my teeth, making coffee, and settling into my chair to catch up on news and emails. and then i realize that something was missing. where was the pain? i could twist my neck, my back wasn't throbbing, i could stand without hurting. what the hell was going on?
after that moment of shock, i started laughing. the injections had worked! i felt as giddy as scrooge when he awoke to christmas morning realizing he was still alive. i did have enough sense not to dance around and jump on the bed in joy. but i could hardly believe it. i had found some relief as evidenced by the tears that ran down my face. i was tempted to wake donna up, but i knew she needed her sleep.
so i took my coffee into the sunroom, powered on my computer, and still wondered where the pain was. this couldn't be happening! and i even felt rested, which is rare these days. it seemed like hours before donna finally walked in to the room. and she shared my joy when i told her.
all day i have cautioned myself not to get all revved up. i have resisted doing chores that would normally hurt. but inside, i have been crossing my fingers. would this last beyond a day? week? i want luck and i wanted assurance, both of which are impossible. but i crossed my fingers anyway and i decided to enjoy the pain-free day.
will it last? i don't know.
will i be able to be more limber, more mobile, more active? i don't know.
time will tell. but for today, all i can feel is a big HOORAY!
i can't wait to call the doctor next wednesday!
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