Testing

those crazy standardized tests!  even as a kid, i remember the teacher reading instructions.  she had to read them exactly as written with no commentary.  after all, they were standardized.  so what i heard was what everyone else in the country heard who took the same test, #2 pencil-ready to go!

i long for those days when i interact with various representatives during multiple phone conversations about a situation that each representative claims is a routine request but turns out to be wrong but with no suggestion of a simple solution to clarify the confusion.  the previous sentence is long because dealing with these people causes me to run out of breath. 

i know that i am not unique in experiencing such situations.  so my point is not to elicit pity or boredom.

rather, it is important for me to say that sometimes my ability to remain calm, to be rational, and not to yell my fricking head off is tested.  the immediate relief of doing any/all of these things makes the temptation so much more seductive.  in the moment, it feels really good.  but experience speaks up to remind me that the gratification transforms into physical and emotional pain. 

in my quest to mature by age 73 1/2, remembering that non rational reactions to people do little to resolve problems is important.  but remembering that it feels good to 'go off' gives me an outlet to 'go off' by writing on blog, crunching loudly on a dorito, or using choice words as i make myself a drink. 

i am not sure i will ever pass the standardized test for maturity by my target date.  but i will promise to take practice tests in order to make sure i really believe what i have written today. 

Ordinary day

on the enneagram i am a 4 (four), which means among other things that i am wired to seek out the special, the drama, and the energy in life.  when i sense energy, i am THERE.  and for this budding artist, it gives me insight and vision into was is and what can be.  put a bit more chili powder, some garlic, and a dash of wasabi into a situation, and life is spicy, and creative, and fun.

these traits, although they serve me well in some situations, also can get in my way sometimes.  for instance, by looking for the special things in life, i sometimes miss the ordinary, the routine of what life can offer.  get bored easily, i tend to overlook the beauty of the ordinary.

as life has slowed down for me, i have had the opportunity to appreciate and value the ordinary.  seeing the birds feeding in our backyard can entertain me for awhile.  reading history and current events with an eye to ordinary that have been overshadowed by the famous and he sensational have become more interesting to discover. 

at the risk of sounding trite, i am learning that the ordinary is, in fact, special.  my father always made it a point to greet and converse with 'ordinary' people:  the cashier, the service station attendant, the server in a restaurant. i was fascinated how people who seem so lifeless and bland came alive with a kind word, a human word. 

as i reflect on the gift my father gave me, i realize anew that value of the ordinary.  that is because by entering into the ordinary, i find more authentic specialness.  curiously enough, i become more aware of the ordinary in me as being special. 

lunch with a good friend today wasn't exciting or thrilling.  but it was a couple of hours filled with mutual sharing and insights that were very satisfying.  those moments became special just for what they were.  no more; no less.

Five (not so) easy pieces

some of the ways in which i try to live my life are aspirations.  the results of my experiences, these are ways to raise me to a higher, more life-giving place.  they can be a challenge to reach, but well worth the effort.

humor:  a friend posts jokes on facebook almost everyday.  often, it's the first thing i read in the morning.  humor offers the gateway to spontaneity and the release of tension.  but more importantly, it unleashes the childlike qualities that makes living fun. 

steady as she goes:  donna and i have ridden a 4-year adrenaline high.  hyper-vigilance to symptoms, hopes to reality; fears to nightmares,    especially since donna's retirement, we have taken the opportunity to enjoy more r&r as we peel away layers of stress.  it is not as easy as turning down the volume of a radio; it is more like adjusting the wheel of a ship, watching for the next peaceful island to rest. 

deal with it:  the anxiety of the visits to my pulmonologist starts to build within days of my last visit.  i get so future-focused i turn a blind eye to the present.  at these times i sit myself down and say, "self, deal with it.  enjoy the present".  self is a good buddy.

listening:  taking in information is like eating a good meal.  when i listen to doctors, to those i love, to my body; and to the world around me, i hear some groovy music.  taking in a different perspective jettisons me out of an inner cycle of stinkin' thinkin' into a place of comfort and safety. 

creativity:  this is my essence; the craving to create.  watching 'parenthood' last night, i imagined how i would change dialogues and situations if i were director.  i might even have changed the clothes or hairstyle of the characters.  even as a very young child, my stuffed animals would be my friends.  i recall talking to them, crying with them, and caring for them; we had great times.  today creativity exists in art, music, cooking, and decorating.  it is in creativity that i find the most peace.

Anticipanxiety

i have submitted this word to webster.  hopefully he will understand that anticipation and anxiety feel very similar, even though brought on by different events. 

i have been chatting with my 90-mentor/artist friend who is making her yearly trek to sante fe, new mexico.  yesterday, she told me that she is packing for her trip although she is leaving in two weeks!  this woman lives for this trips, where she creates her own brands of art.  and she shops for jewelry, silver of course.  we will visit her in early october to share in her experiences and adventures.

next week i have an important appt. with my pulmonologist in cincinnati.  i am supposed to learn more about the prognosis and treatment plan for this new disease.  i am anticipating the appointment, feeling the anxiety grow with each new day that i wait.  i wish the appointment were tomorrow. 

jane and i share a common experience.  waiting and anticipating an event in the near future.  for both of us, the closer it gets the more it seems like forever.  she said the anticipation is sometimes half of the fun of the event itself.  each day, she will anticipate what will happen the next day.  in fact, she is already anticipating her trip in 2012!! 

so to redirect my anxiety energy, i am doing the jane thing... anticipating our next trip to the beach in may 2012.  it will be so much fun!  i will wait a few weeks before packing.

Fun

sometimes i look back on the 'fun times' of my youth.  amusement parks, vacations, silly pranks, and private jokes.  fun involved stepping out of the present reality and finding something funny. the fun teachers were those who cracked jokes while teaching...  even the corny jokes.   my 8th and 11th grade history teachers were masters of joking, which may be a reason that i love history so much.

another aspect of fun was finding something that consumed my attention.  board games were a staple in my childhood.  hours would pass as we played rook, scrabble, monopoly, pit, sorry, and stratego.  of course, reading was another way to escape into timelessness.  fiction was so engrossing that i was sad (and even cried) when the book was finished.  the characters had become such good friends to me.

having fun in church was particularly satisfying.  knowing that behaving reverently was the expectation presented an irresistible temptation to have fun.  and it cut the boredom.  for example, i could hardly stand to sing, 'how firm a foundation' because in one of the verses the phrase, 'hoary hairs' appeared.  how saintly can a boy be when he has to sing that phrase, especially when he looks at another boy who is thinking the same thing.  and how could a bored kid resist going through the hymnal, adding 'under the sheets' to the titles.  it just doesn't get any better than that!!

in my careers as an elementary teacher and psychologist, i was sure to include fun into my style.  i remember hiding in the coat closet before my students returned from art class.  after they settled into their seats, i jumped out of the closet dressed as a pirate (ok, so i wore my tie around my head like a bandanna).  the students jumped, screamed, laughed, clapped, and were energized.  a creative writing session was just about to begin.

as a psychologist i added fun by including creativity to many sessions, since working through problems sometimes were hindered by words.  frequently i was known around the counseling center as the 'goofy' one...  a badge i wore proudly.  one time i piled a bunch of chairs in front of the director's door and waited for his response.  of course, i gathered my colleague to observe with me.  the director took it in stride, thankfully. 

finding fun as a way to cope with my present physical condition has been a challenge.  i have discovered, however, new ways to have fun.  the formula is simple.  i find something that either amuses me or engrosses me, looking for those moments of inspiration that point the way to something that is fascinating.  sometimes it is pursuing 'tried and true' interests such as cooking, games, entertaining, and movies.  other times it is discovering new interests such as sketching, writing, genealogy work, and home design.  of course, i am always up for a good joke, a crazy prank, or a nutso idiosyncrasy that pops up when someone is looking. 

fun, with it's spontaneous and creative expressions, carries life and energy on it's wings.  it is FUN that i salute today. 

btw, did you hear about the one where.....    : )

The lives of others

recently, we watched the movie, 'the lives of others' which focused on the work of the east german stasi in the 1980s.  in brief, the movie portrayed a person's attitude toward 'the enemy' change from a cold stone to a warm heart. the mission of spying transforms into listening to the humanity of the situation.

this past several weeks have challenged my ability to retain a warm heart.  wishing to reject this latest diagnosis has resulted at times in an attitudes ranging from anger to apathy (i.e., damn it! i don't care).   then the futility of wishing the diseases away hits me, in spite of how familiarly good it feels.

i keep a sketching diary of my attitude toward MPA.  a written diary has been a stop-start venture over the years.  but by by-passing words to access the feelings allows me to see my experience.  creating and then viewing the pictures alchemizes the cold stone into a warm heart.  and compassion sets in, no matter how dark or how inspiring is the sketch, to remind me that i am not a walking disease.  i am human. 

Medical update

i have had several procedures/test in the last month to clarify some weird things happening.  my pulmonologist called yesterday with the results of those tests. 

apparently, i have another auto-immune thing going on.  it is microscopic polyangiities (MPA), which is a type of vasculitis.  although it can affect other organs, my lungs are affected the most.  several new  lung nodules have been growing in recent months, but he doesn't think it's cancer.  other weird symptoms now make sense with this diagnosis. 

i return in six weeks for more tests and in three months for another ct scan. 

the prognosis:  not sure.  the emotional impact:  not sure. 

for now i am 'up in my head' about most of this.  more later....