donna joined me in saudi arabia in 1984 for the first day of our living together. honestly, it seemed like a fantasy. we awoke that first morning in time for me to get to work. of course, i had my routine of getting ready. and donna offered to make breakfast, iron my clothes, etc., in her desire to help me. but my morning grumpinessset in; i told her i didn't need orange juice, prune juice, or any kind of juice. of course, she was in tears and i felt like a dork. i realized then that this was reality. we were married, spending the rest of our lives together. we had time to work out what juice to buy, what time to eat dinner, or who cleans the dishes.
several events in my life have left me question the boundaries of reality and fantasy. the death of family members and friends have left me wondering if they are REALLY gone. you are probably familiar with calling the phone number of the deceased or expecting them to walk in the door, then realizing nothing will bring them back.
graduating from college and from graduate school certainly required a reality check. after being handed the diploma, suddenly the residence, zip code, and bedroom may change. but most importantly, stepping out of the role of 'student' and into another role can be mind-bending. it took me over a year to really believe i was actually practicing psychology and not facing another deadline for a paper or a test. the free time i had felt strange and at times produced guilt rather than relaxation.
i have several fantasies about the results of the upcoming surgery. of course, i have pictured myself as i was at 25. that is not going to happen... this surgery does not grow my hair back. i fantasize about better mobility and more energy, dreaming about flying, rock climbing, flying, hiking, and flying. and i wonder if i will recognize myself. but in the midst of my fantasies, i still ask myself, 'is this really going to happen or is it just fantasy?'.
preparation for changes in life can be helpful. but those preparations can only anticipate reality, not predict it. i don't know how i will feel for the days and weeks after surgery. i have no idea how quickly i will have to get new clothes in a smaller size. i can learn from people who have had this done; their stories are helpful and encouraging. but i will really know only when my time comes.
perhaps that is the most helpful thing: knowing that part of my preparation has been building the confidence that i can have this surgery and that i can deal with 'whatever' when the time comes.
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