23 Meltdown

i'll lay it on the table...  last night was a difficult one.  it started when i spilled broth on my computer rendering it unusable.  as clean up started, so did the tears.  i was so angry at myself and embarrassed that donna witnessed it.  if you say that things like that happen all the time, i would certainly agree.

but that wasn't the only spill.   the lid containing the stress of the last few months flew off the pot and and splattered all over the place.  my tears turned to sobbing which turned to irrational thoughts, crazy words,  and intense feelings. it was a mess.  donna helped calm me down to the point that i could tell her what i was feeling.  apparently i had ready a list of things that i used to lambast myself.

but as i continued, i began to see the gap between what was anxiety, stress, and fear versus what was actually true.  and the gap widened as i kept talking and listening to donna's responses.  after a time, it suddenly became clear that letting the gap continue to widen was the solution. i did this by, among other things, a good night's sleep!  fortunately, i woke up with a relatively clean slate and a motivation to move on.

as i continue to prepare for surgery on april 29th, i expect that meltdowns, down turns, upheavals, and steps backward will continue to occur.  just as spring cleaning is usually necessary to make room for summer, so is clearing the mind of garbage vital as i prepare for a major transition of body and all the accompanying changes thoughts and emotions.

afterwards, i plan to discover how the changes will transform me, renew me, and in a significant way heal me.

peace!