28: April fools

i love this holiday as any prankster would.  watching youtube videos of jokes and surprises tend to crack me up.  i remember my dad waking ed and i up, yelling that there was a monkey in the backyard.  i fell for it and vowed to make such pranks a part of my lifetime repertoire.

it is not uncommon for my brain to play tricks on me.  on day 29, today, i found myself searching google for a better understanding of how the surgery is performed.  the animated version was simple enough.  a real surgery video, however, was calling my name persuading me that more knowledge is helpful.

wrong!

i was quite disturbed by the video and i could not bring myself to shut it off.  i was left with a surge of anxiety.  "they are going to do that to me!!!".  no, i am not backing out, although the thought crossed my mind.  but i realized i didn't need to see the video.  fortunately, no cats were killed as the result of my curiosity.

as is the case with those anxiety surges, i became antsy.  often the cure is taking a solo ride around the neighborhood.  i rarely can do that, but today i mustered up the strength to ride into the sunset.  more accurately, i rode to the bank to withdraw some money and to the gas station to get $1.00 off each gallon of gasoline thanks to kroger.  donna wasn't feeling well, so i wanted to do her a favor.  i could have kicked myself because of the pain it produced in my injured shoulder.  mind over matter didn't work this time.  i came home proud of my accomplishments and discouraged that those simple tasks are still outside my skill level.

so i sit this afternoon with a coldpack on my shoulder trying to convince myself that i tried something new and it didn't quite work.  my mine's prank.. making me feel as a stupid idiot... does nothing except making me feel exactly like a stupid idiot.  that is a dead end and a complete waste of time.

so i drink some coffee, allow myself the luxury of feeling drowsy, and ready myself for a nap... all ingredients for feeling better.

for the next 29 days, i know i will goof up a few times.  but more importantly, i will find success in preparation for the surgery.  losing 19 lbs. since the end of february is something about which i can smile and say that i am on a positive, necessary, and productive journey.  and if you see my pants fall down, please look the other way.  it will be for our own good.