Shoveling

one of my new favorite shows is 'white collar'.  a clever and very handsome con man is released from prison on the condition that he helps the fbi capture other felons.  he thinks like the criminals; he knows their techniques; he searches for clues in a way unique to them; he is 'one of them'.  and guess who is his partner...  the man who captured him.  as they work on cases together, they form an unlikely friendship where trust is built... slowly and tentatively.

it's quite amazing to witness the transformation as he keeps one foot in the criminal world while he steps into the role of ad hoc law enforcer.  oh, one other thing:  he wears an ankle device so that his partner knows at all times where he is.   there lurks a constant temptation to cut off the ankle device and run.  but doing so may result in his return to captivity.

this could be my story as well.  i try to live a life of integrity and vision, to be upbeat, and to allow humor to add spice to life.  teaming up with others who share the same goals seems to add motivation and strength to my resolve. 

but sometimes i find myself in a situation in which i have one foot in a place of old habits, stifling ways of thinking, and less than stellar attitudes.  it's easy to cut myself free from the high road of healthy living to indulge old but familiar habits even though i know doing so will lead to being held captive to those indulges.

does it sound familiar to you as well?

before you think i am a wannabe criminal, let me say that is not the temptation.  rather it is slipping into the old habits of depression as evidenced by anger, emotional numbness, and psychological pain.  as uninviting as it sounds, those things can be seductive when i want to stop trying.  after all, leading a contented life has it's own challenges and just plain hard work.  ultimately, what seemed like the easy way out actually lands me in a place of captivity.  digging out from the low road is much harder work than the effort to stay on the high road. 

as tempting as it might be to say 'cheer up' or 'look on the bright side' such statements do the opposite because it adds shame and embarrassment to the struggle.  whether i say those words to myself or i hear others say them, the result is, well, not helpful.

so what does help?  the most important thing is acknowledging what the temptations were to which i gave in.  by doing that, i take full responsibility for my choices and actions.  and then i listen to my heart, which tells me that high road is still there. only then can i grab the shovel and start digging out.  but with that comes support and help from those closest to me.  that support comes in the way of listening ears and open hearts.  allowing others to love me helps me to love myself enough to head toward the high road. 

currently, i have the shovel in my hand.  i am digging and others have grabbed a shovel and have pitched in their support.  i have a ways to go, but by golly i am getting there.  the high road is in sight.

now, excuse me while i get back to digging.