Gotcha!

donna and i have developed and finely tuned  'gotcha' technique that works very well.  it goes something like this...  stephen decides to carry a glass, a pitcher, and a computer from one room to the next.  donna gives stephen a look that says, "just what ARE you doing?".  stephen gets defensive, saying he did nothing wrong, which sets himself up for the 'gotcha' line.  donna says, 'if i did what you just did, what would you say to me?'   stephen concedes; he knows better than to carry so much with his leg and balance problems.  then he apologizes. 

i hate when that happens, unless i am the one using the gotcha line which btw can give great pleasure.  but what is most satisfying is the empathy that continues to build between us as it diffuses a potential argument and increases accountability to ourselves and to each other.

there are gotcha moments that are less honorable.  they can also be used to manipulate or embarrass a person.  the other day, i was introduced to a man who is generally known to be a good guy.  please note...  he is a manager of a large grocery store close to us.  we shook hands and said our 'nice to meet you' remarks.  then, without warning, the man reached out and touched my stomach saying to me, 'donna sure does feed you well'.  donna and i looked at each other to confirm our shocked reaction.  i had been gotcha-ed. and being so sensitive about being judged as fat, lazy, and gluttonous only intensified my shock. i don't mean to imply that this man set out to embarrass me.  but in his position, he should have known better...  much better.   had i not been paralyzed with shock, i would have taken him to task. 

but it gets worse because another gotcha moment happened shortly after.  i realized that i had judged large people often, disgusted that they had little self-control, and that they were too lazy or apathetic to help themselves.  although i had never touched such a person inappropriately, i had avoided and dismissed large people, thinking they were not worth my time and energy.

GOTCHA!  i found myself more ashamed and embarrassed at my own past thinking than i was at the store manager's action.  the tears in my eyes were ones of remorse and regret.  i know i had been wrong.

one of donna's wise insights has been that we really don't know a person's backstory...  what they have experienced, with what have they struggled, and who they are apart from their size.  more than ever i understand clearly what she means.