recently, i have been in an email conversation with a friend i've known since 1979. over the years, she and i have shared aspects of our lives that would not be shared on a facebook timeline, a dinner party, or a family gathering. Most of our conversations, aside from hilarity, mutual face palming, and sarcasm, have been what some people may call heart-to-heart. Others may call it sharing life stories, which is quite different than telling stories about our lives.
We have earned with other the rights and responsibilities of honesty, confrontation, compassion, and trust... oh, and the occasional use of cliches. As an avid avoider of cliches, i usually give little credibility to a cliche as they are often associated with much flippancy and little caring.
As an exception, i took to heart a common cliche. It was 'hang on'!
hang on?
hang on!!
what transformed that statement into the equivalent of a hug or a eye-to-eye affirmation was this:
1. i knew the person from whom it came;
2. she has heard similar things from me;
3. they were words that i really needed to hear;
4. they carried no implication of a quick fix.
depression is something she and i have in common, as chronic and as pesky as ravenous mosquitoes inflicting several tiny bites and leaving something halfway between a sting and an itch. one occasional bite... ok. but the cumulative effect can be traumatic. depression eats away at hope, contentment, self-esteem, and energy. and with each bite, depression becomes more over-powering. treating the symptoms are important but preventative action is much more effective.
my friend and i have been comrades in our bouts of depression. we have suggested ways to cope, offered important things to remember, treatments that might be helpful, and the occasional comic relief from the numbness. i place her statement, 'hang on' in the category of vital things to remember when depression strikes.
in this context, hanging on connotes hope and assurance. but most importantly, it brings with it a very practical way to deal with depression. for a person to hang on, one must have some grip on reality, some strength to remain suspended in limbo, and a lot of trust that 'hanging on' will become 'holding on', which will become 'standing again on firm ground'.
knowing that i am in a 'hanging on' state, she was reminding me that it won't be forever. hanging on will bear fruits of renewed energy, stability, and mood. from experience, we both know that to be true. oh, yes we do!
due to personal effort, much-needed support, and professional help, i WILL be moving out of the hanging on stage soon. i will find from within the capacity to move on from this episode. it is the loving reminders of close friends that likely will make the wait time a bit shorter. and words from someone who knows the drill is saying loudly, "and i am hanging on for you and with you and beside you".
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
A thank you to dan and effie
soon after we were married, donna and i went to england to visit some friends. one of our planned trips was to the beautiful lake district. donna she said this was one of the most beautiful places she had ever been, and she was right! the six of us found a spot overlooking the valley; the bare, smooth rock gave us a perfect place to have a picnic. it was one of those times when you say to yourself, "this is just too gorgeous to be real".
as any other tourist would do, we were taking pictures to capture forever what we were experiencing then. donna took the camera to take a picture of the rest of us as we picnicked. apparently she could not get all of us in her viewfinder. so has any camera buff would do, she backed up a bit. it must have not been enough because she continued to step backward... one step, two steps, three steps.
suddenly i realized that she was only a short distance from the cliff. she was going to fall to her death! i was so panicked, my body and my voice froze. this was a tragedy that only happens to other people.
and then i heard a calm, but firm voice saying, "donna, stop where you are.". it was a male voice, but it wasn't mine. our friend had realized the situation and used his voice in the same manner that he certainly has used with his children. he knew that yelling may have made her lurch backward. donna responded to his calm tone immediately and stopped... less than a yard away from the cliff. he had saved her life.
of course, after knowing she was safe, we breathed, cried, and hugged. we recounted what each of us had experienced during those terrifying seconds. and we 'encouraged' donna to be more careful. but most of all our donna was with us, shaken but safe.
how often do we yell at ourselves, saying words we would never say to another person, with the intention of helping us.. words like stupid, worthless, dumb, idiotic. we know how a person would feel if we used those words to shame them. so why do we use them on ourselves? maybe we think those words will snap us into shape. you know, tough love buddy!!
but perhaps we have become numb to those words. just like a doctor who numbs an area before doing a painful procedure, we inflict pain even though we cannot immediately feel it. but the wounding has been done. and the pain eventually reveals itself.
what if we were to use calm, gentle, supportive words to point out a mistake we've made or to alert us to a dangerous decision we're about to make. what if we were to comfort ourselves out of desperation; to love ourselves into wholeness? what would happen if we were to remove those horrible words from our inner vocabulary, and replace them with words of love and respect.
i am not advocating that we avoid correcting ourselves. sometimes "stephen, that was not a very helpful decision you just made" or "stephen, what you said was not very kind" are appropriate and helpful. after all, self-honesty and self-discipline are healthy and adaptive qualities to acquire. what i am advocating is that we avoid shaming ourselves in the process, that we treat ourselves with respect as we are problem-solving, generating options, and offering self-forgiveness in order to clarify what we have done and to avoid making the same mistakes again.
i remember a sunday school teacher whose name was effie. what a kind and loving person she was! she taught us the 'golden rule' by pretending to put on a pair of gloves. as we placed the glove on the first finger, we would say 'do', the second finger, 'unto', the third finger 'others'. because we didn't have enough fingers to complete the rule, we had to button on the gloves in order to say 'unto you'. it might be a good idea to put on those same gloves on when we choose how to treat ourselves. i think the gloves will fit... well... like a glove.
as any other tourist would do, we were taking pictures to capture forever what we were experiencing then. donna took the camera to take a picture of the rest of us as we picnicked. apparently she could not get all of us in her viewfinder. so has any camera buff would do, she backed up a bit. it must have not been enough because she continued to step backward... one step, two steps, three steps.
suddenly i realized that she was only a short distance from the cliff. she was going to fall to her death! i was so panicked, my body and my voice froze. this was a tragedy that only happens to other people.
and then i heard a calm, but firm voice saying, "donna, stop where you are.". it was a male voice, but it wasn't mine. our friend had realized the situation and used his voice in the same manner that he certainly has used with his children. he knew that yelling may have made her lurch backward. donna responded to his calm tone immediately and stopped... less than a yard away from the cliff. he had saved her life.
of course, after knowing she was safe, we breathed, cried, and hugged. we recounted what each of us had experienced during those terrifying seconds. and we 'encouraged' donna to be more careful. but most of all our donna was with us, shaken but safe.
how often do we yell at ourselves, saying words we would never say to another person, with the intention of helping us.. words like stupid, worthless, dumb, idiotic. we know how a person would feel if we used those words to shame them. so why do we use them on ourselves? maybe we think those words will snap us into shape. you know, tough love buddy!!
but perhaps we have become numb to those words. just like a doctor who numbs an area before doing a painful procedure, we inflict pain even though we cannot immediately feel it. but the wounding has been done. and the pain eventually reveals itself.
what if we were to use calm, gentle, supportive words to point out a mistake we've made or to alert us to a dangerous decision we're about to make. what if we were to comfort ourselves out of desperation; to love ourselves into wholeness? what would happen if we were to remove those horrible words from our inner vocabulary, and replace them with words of love and respect.
i am not advocating that we avoid correcting ourselves. sometimes "stephen, that was not a very helpful decision you just made" or "stephen, what you said was not very kind" are appropriate and helpful. after all, self-honesty and self-discipline are healthy and adaptive qualities to acquire. what i am advocating is that we avoid shaming ourselves in the process, that we treat ourselves with respect as we are problem-solving, generating options, and offering self-forgiveness in order to clarify what we have done and to avoid making the same mistakes again.
i remember a sunday school teacher whose name was effie. what a kind and loving person she was! she taught us the 'golden rule' by pretending to put on a pair of gloves. as we placed the glove on the first finger, we would say 'do', the second finger, 'unto', the third finger 'others'. because we didn't have enough fingers to complete the rule, we had to button on the gloves in order to say 'unto you'. it might be a good idea to put on those same gloves on when we choose how to treat ourselves. i think the gloves will fit... well... like a glove.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Needing
grocery store scene: "no, you can't have the captain crunch! now put down that bag of snickers! but, mom, i need them, please! i will keep my room really, really clean. please? no, you can't have those snickers, but you still need to clean your room. oh mom, you are so mean!"
i have observed similar scenes over the years. in part, i laugh because it is the same type of argument that i certainly used with my parents. how DO we pass these things on?
but the laughter subsides a bit when i realize even now i argue with myself in a similar manner. how do i determine what i want from what i need? being the slightly stubborn (or at least persistent) person that i am, i can give a litany of reasons why i need something. and like a couple shots of whiskey, the litany dulls my thinking and helps me to sneak a want into the need category.
now don't get me wrong. there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting something. i love, crave, want an occasional bread pudding with rum sauce. but giving into that craving it everyday would do two things: i would have to buy new clothes and i would tire of the pudding. allow me to add one more: it can become the means to avoid my actual needs.
from a very early age, we fight the battle of need vs. want. and it is a battle. after all, by focusing on what we want, we can become impulsive and selfish. but most importantly, it can keep our eyes on the future, always looking for yet another thing we want, often avoiding what we really need. yet focusing on our needs keeps us in the present. it can guide us to what will really satisfy and nourish us. it informs us of what is really important and vital in the present... right now.
and this is the beautiful part... need and want now have the opportunity to work together, shuffling through the options, and deciding what will really fulfill the need that is lacking. opponents are transformed into partners... friends... allies.
i need comfort and i choose to ask for a hug. i am hungry and i choose to eat something healthy and nourishing. i am tired and i choose to stop what i am doing in order to rest.
of course, we feel a craving and choose to act on it. that can be so much fun! but as allies, need can help want not to go off the deep end. perhaps that is, in part, our security and safety... our needs and our wants working side by side, watching out for each other, helping us to become whole.
i have observed similar scenes over the years. in part, i laugh because it is the same type of argument that i certainly used with my parents. how DO we pass these things on?
but the laughter subsides a bit when i realize even now i argue with myself in a similar manner. how do i determine what i want from what i need? being the slightly stubborn (or at least persistent) person that i am, i can give a litany of reasons why i need something. and like a couple shots of whiskey, the litany dulls my thinking and helps me to sneak a want into the need category.
now don't get me wrong. there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting something. i love, crave, want an occasional bread pudding with rum sauce. but giving into that craving it everyday would do two things: i would have to buy new clothes and i would tire of the pudding. allow me to add one more: it can become the means to avoid my actual needs.
from a very early age, we fight the battle of need vs. want. and it is a battle. after all, by focusing on what we want, we can become impulsive and selfish. but most importantly, it can keep our eyes on the future, always looking for yet another thing we want, often avoiding what we really need. yet focusing on our needs keeps us in the present. it can guide us to what will really satisfy and nourish us. it informs us of what is really important and vital in the present... right now.
and this is the beautiful part... need and want now have the opportunity to work together, shuffling through the options, and deciding what will really fulfill the need that is lacking. opponents are transformed into partners... friends... allies.
i need comfort and i choose to ask for a hug. i am hungry and i choose to eat something healthy and nourishing. i am tired and i choose to stop what i am doing in order to rest.
of course, we feel a craving and choose to act on it. that can be so much fun! but as allies, need can help want not to go off the deep end. perhaps that is, in part, our security and safety... our needs and our wants working side by side, watching out for each other, helping us to become whole.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Gotcha!
donna and i have developed and finely tuned 'gotcha' technique that works very well. it goes something like this... stephen decides to carry a glass, a pitcher, and a computer from one room to the next. donna gives stephen a look that says, "just what ARE you doing?". stephen gets defensive, saying he did nothing wrong, which sets himself up for the 'gotcha' line. donna says, 'if i did what you just did, what would you say to me?' stephen concedes; he knows better than to carry so much with his leg and balance problems. then he apologizes.
i hate when that happens, unless i am the one using the gotcha line which btw can give great pleasure. but what is most satisfying is the empathy that continues to build between us as it diffuses a potential argument and increases accountability to ourselves and to each other.
there are gotcha moments that are less honorable. they can also be used to manipulate or embarrass a person. the other day, i was introduced to a man who is generally known to be a good guy. please note... he is a manager of a large grocery store close to us. we shook hands and said our 'nice to meet you' remarks. then, without warning, the man reached out and touched my stomach saying to me, 'donna sure does feed you well'. donna and i looked at each other to confirm our shocked reaction. i had been gotcha-ed. and being so sensitive about being judged as fat, lazy, and gluttonous only intensified my shock. i don't mean to imply that this man set out to embarrass me. but in his position, he should have known better... much better. had i not been paralyzed with shock, i would have taken him to task.
but it gets worse because another gotcha moment happened shortly after. i realized that i had judged large people often, disgusted that they had little self-control, and that they were too lazy or apathetic to help themselves. although i had never touched such a person inappropriately, i had avoided and dismissed large people, thinking they were not worth my time and energy.
GOTCHA! i found myself more ashamed and embarrassed at my own past thinking than i was at the store manager's action. the tears in my eyes were ones of remorse and regret. i know i had been wrong.
one of donna's wise insights has been that we really don't know a person's backstory... what they have experienced, with what have they struggled, and who they are apart from their size. more than ever i understand clearly what she means.
i hate when that happens, unless i am the one using the gotcha line which btw can give great pleasure. but what is most satisfying is the empathy that continues to build between us as it diffuses a potential argument and increases accountability to ourselves and to each other.
there are gotcha moments that are less honorable. they can also be used to manipulate or embarrass a person. the other day, i was introduced to a man who is generally known to be a good guy. please note... he is a manager of a large grocery store close to us. we shook hands and said our 'nice to meet you' remarks. then, without warning, the man reached out and touched my stomach saying to me, 'donna sure does feed you well'. donna and i looked at each other to confirm our shocked reaction. i had been gotcha-ed. and being so sensitive about being judged as fat, lazy, and gluttonous only intensified my shock. i don't mean to imply that this man set out to embarrass me. but in his position, he should have known better... much better. had i not been paralyzed with shock, i would have taken him to task.
but it gets worse because another gotcha moment happened shortly after. i realized that i had judged large people often, disgusted that they had little self-control, and that they were too lazy or apathetic to help themselves. although i had never touched such a person inappropriately, i had avoided and dismissed large people, thinking they were not worth my time and energy.
GOTCHA! i found myself more ashamed and embarrassed at my own past thinking than i was at the store manager's action. the tears in my eyes were ones of remorse and regret. i know i had been wrong.
one of donna's wise insights has been that we really don't know a person's backstory... what they have experienced, with what have they struggled, and who they are apart from their size. more than ever i understand clearly what she means.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Shoveling
one of my new favorite shows is 'white collar'. a clever and very handsome con man is released from prison on the condition that he helps the fbi capture other felons. he thinks like the criminals; he knows their techniques; he searches for clues in a way unique to them; he is 'one of them'. and guess who is his partner... the man who captured him. as they work on cases together, they form an unlikely friendship where trust is built... slowly and tentatively.
it's quite amazing to witness the transformation as he keeps one foot in the criminal world while he steps into the role of ad hoc law enforcer. oh, one other thing: he wears an ankle device so that his partner knows at all times where he is. there lurks a constant temptation to cut off the ankle device and run. but doing so may result in his return to captivity.
this could be my story as well. i try to live a life of integrity and vision, to be upbeat, and to allow humor to add spice to life. teaming up with others who share the same goals seems to add motivation and strength to my resolve.
but sometimes i find myself in a situation in which i have one foot in a place of old habits, stifling ways of thinking, and less than stellar attitudes. it's easy to cut myself free from the high road of healthy living to indulge old but familiar habits even though i know doing so will lead to being held captive to those indulges.
does it sound familiar to you as well?
before you think i am a wannabe criminal, let me say that is not the temptation. rather it is slipping into the old habits of depression as evidenced by anger, emotional numbness, and psychological pain. as uninviting as it sounds, those things can be seductive when i want to stop trying. after all, leading a contented life has it's own challenges and just plain hard work. ultimately, what seemed like the easy way out actually lands me in a place of captivity. digging out from the low road is much harder work than the effort to stay on the high road.
as tempting as it might be to say 'cheer up' or 'look on the bright side' such statements do the opposite because it adds shame and embarrassment to the struggle. whether i say those words to myself or i hear others say them, the result is, well, not helpful.
so what does help? the most important thing is acknowledging what the temptations were to which i gave in. by doing that, i take full responsibility for my choices and actions. and then i listen to my heart, which tells me that high road is still there. only then can i grab the shovel and start digging out. but with that comes support and help from those closest to me. that support comes in the way of listening ears and open hearts. allowing others to love me helps me to love myself enough to head toward the high road.
currently, i have the shovel in my hand. i am digging and others have grabbed a shovel and have pitched in their support. i have a ways to go, but by golly i am getting there. the high road is in sight.
now, excuse me while i get back to digging.
it's quite amazing to witness the transformation as he keeps one foot in the criminal world while he steps into the role of ad hoc law enforcer. oh, one other thing: he wears an ankle device so that his partner knows at all times where he is. there lurks a constant temptation to cut off the ankle device and run. but doing so may result in his return to captivity.
this could be my story as well. i try to live a life of integrity and vision, to be upbeat, and to allow humor to add spice to life. teaming up with others who share the same goals seems to add motivation and strength to my resolve.
but sometimes i find myself in a situation in which i have one foot in a place of old habits, stifling ways of thinking, and less than stellar attitudes. it's easy to cut myself free from the high road of healthy living to indulge old but familiar habits even though i know doing so will lead to being held captive to those indulges.
does it sound familiar to you as well?
before you think i am a wannabe criminal, let me say that is not the temptation. rather it is slipping into the old habits of depression as evidenced by anger, emotional numbness, and psychological pain. as uninviting as it sounds, those things can be seductive when i want to stop trying. after all, leading a contented life has it's own challenges and just plain hard work. ultimately, what seemed like the easy way out actually lands me in a place of captivity. digging out from the low road is much harder work than the effort to stay on the high road.
as tempting as it might be to say 'cheer up' or 'look on the bright side' such statements do the opposite because it adds shame and embarrassment to the struggle. whether i say those words to myself or i hear others say them, the result is, well, not helpful.
so what does help? the most important thing is acknowledging what the temptations were to which i gave in. by doing that, i take full responsibility for my choices and actions. and then i listen to my heart, which tells me that high road is still there. only then can i grab the shovel and start digging out. but with that comes support and help from those closest to me. that support comes in the way of listening ears and open hearts. allowing others to love me helps me to love myself enough to head toward the high road.
currently, i have the shovel in my hand. i am digging and others have grabbed a shovel and have pitched in their support. i have a ways to go, but by golly i am getting there. the high road is in sight.
now, excuse me while i get back to digging.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)