after a nine-year career in elementary education and a five-year stopover as an apple computer sales representative. i took a leap into graduate school, enrolling in psychology at the university of kentucky. i spent seven years learning to become a psychologist. i had no idea that my training would lead me to a sixteen-year career at the university of dayton counseling center. i promised the director i would stay at least two years but what the university had to offer was irresistible.
as a neophyte, i leaned toward trying to fix students' problems, which didn't work as well as i had hoped. i had an excellent supervisor who served as a role model, confidante, critiquer, and listener. even after our supervisory relationship ended, she was available to counsel as a colleague and friend, guiding me to become a seasoned psychotherapist.
just as our roles changed, so did my role as therapist. my students didn't need a problem fixer, they needed to develop tools and skills to make more healthy decisions and to manage the situations of life more effectively. although i was not one of those who constantly asked, "how do you feel about that", i realized the absolute importance of listening.... listening to the words, the eyes, the hands, and the heart. of course, i played several assigned roles such as parent, advocate, container of secrets, and sounding board. but as the students progressed in their therapy, many of them accepted me as a guide. i refused, except in emergencies, to tell my students what choices they should make. instead, i attempted to guide them into self-empowerment... learning to make their own healthy choices.
i have recalled many times those people who guided me in adulthood; people who resisted the urge to fix my situation in order to hear me out... listen... understand. but one person rises to the top of the list. that person is grandma hughes.
grandma lived next door to us when i was born. she attended my father's church and participated actively in the education and nurturing of children. she and her husband mond babysit us, was present at our birthdays, and cheered us on in our childhood pursuits.
what made grandma unique to me was the manner in which she conversed with me. even as a kid, she assumed the role of guide. of course she scolded me at times, but her nature was to see me as a person with my own thoughts, feelings, desires, and aspirations. and she wanted to know those things into order to know me. i could relate many, many stories that would illustrate her style. perhaps one in particular will suffice.
i had just told my mom that i attended a movie with a college friend. as understanding as she was in most circumstances, she couldn't at that time wrap her mind around the fact that i broke one of the church rules. the conflict abruptly ended when i walked out of the house and headed in my car back to college. passing by grandma's house, i found myself turning into the driveway, knocking on the door, and falling into one of her rocking chairs sobbing. she waited until i gained composure. and then she said, "steve, what's wrong? you can tell me anything.".
i told her my side of the story and vented my anger and frustration. she offered her support, not necessarily for what i did, but for expressing how i felt. she really wanted to know. and then she asked me a question that i will never forget... "steve, what does your heart tell you?"
i started to cry again because her question was exactly what i needed to hear. i remember feeling confused as thought and feelings swirled around and around. i didn't have an answer.
as we continued our conversation, i began to realize that her words guided me into an area of confidence and self-responsibility. she told me the importance of listening to and following the voice of god. and she told me to follow my heart.
grandma still guides me... everyday. her words still motivate me to be the best stephen i know to be. went in doubt, i can hear her whisper, "steve, follow your heart!". she has believed in me for 58 years.
i was well educated in school, mentored as i developed into a psychologist, and went to beaucoup workshops to enhance my skills. but i must give credit to my grandma hughes as my primary teacher in becoming a psychologist... in becoming a person for whom she would be proud.
fyi, she was not a blood relative... only a woman who made loving me a priority in her life.
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