i hate the word resolute. while purpose and determination can be admirable, sometimes it's nothing more than a artificial pipe dream. let me explain: as a young adult, i thought it my purpose to be an elementary school teacher. having graduated, i had arrived. my contentment with the status quo prevented me from considering other realities. after all, i had my purpose... what more could i want?
as i became restless in that profession, i determined that graduate school would give me the boost i needed. i certainly enjoyed the mental stimulation, but i was not satisfied. so i tried to re-infuse myself with the enthusiasm i once had by resolving to find a way to make it work. but it didn't happen.
i had a choice to make. would i stick stubbornly to my resoluteness or would i open the door and windows to possibility?
at age 34, i entered graduate school to become a psychologist. again, i was determined to be the best i could be. i gobbled up the learning and i relished in clinical practice. and i age 40 i was granted my license to practice in ohio. i had arrived... again.
after just a few years, i realized that i was bored. was this to be another resolute decision gone stale? why was i bored with a subject that came natural to me.... and that i enjoyed?
i cannot tell you exactly when the shift came, but i found myself desiring personal growth more than anything else. although i counseled clients to know and to love themselves, i was lacking in that area. i began going to workshops and conferences that were geared toward personal growth (and that earned me professional credit toward license renewal). and the most curious thing began to happen; i let go of purpose and determination in order to grasp spontaneity, possibility, and open-ended pursuits. i surrounded myself with others who had a similar view toward life. benjamin zander, the conductor for the boston philharmonic orchestra, was a primary influence.
although the stress of the job drained my energy at times, i found that 'being' with myself and with others gave much more lasting contentment and fulfillment. if forced to use resolution in this context, i resolved to wake up each morning with as little 'agenda' as possible. instead, i allowed the day to unfold naturally. although my skills gave me the ability to respond to a variety of situations and crises as necessary, my day was filled with times of authenticity with clients, colleagues, friends, and with donna.
lest you think all was peachy keen, i struggled when personal and professional agendas became obstacles to having the courage to be myself... living and breathing authentically. when retirement was imminent, i mourned the loss of my profession. but once in retirement, it was the practice of living authentically that got me through some very rough times. having chosen the road to daily living versus a 'purpose-driven life', i found the transition into retirement easier than some because my identity was not tied to my profession.
fast foward to now. my days are mostly unplanned, somewhat by choice and somewhat by circumstance. and i open myself to whatever comes my way. for example, i found a stumbleupon.com, a website that takes me to other sites that appeal to my interests. minutes turn to hours as i immerse myself in learning new things from perspectives i didn't know existed. in spite of significant medical challenges, i can enjoy my days because my only expectation is to be authentic.
i avoid resoluteness. as a result living authentically has become much easier.
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