we recently purchased two lift chairs for the sunroom and the tv room. having sat in one at a friend's house, i realized how much easier it is to avoid joint pain when going from a seated to a standing position. just as my rollator allows me greater mobility and freedom, my chairs allow me to modulate pain while seated and while getting up. although using these aids was embarrassing at first, they have become an important part of physical mobility and psychological healing from some powerful forces. for example......
anger: there was a time when anger was a controlling force. i would see people walking freely, sitting comfortably in a restaurant booth, or jumping in and out of a car. anger would rise up with the words, 'it's not fair!!!!!!'. the anger that helped me push through the disease now resulted in frequent bouts of self-pity and two attempts to end my life. eventually i said NO MORE!! releasing myself from destructive anger was empowering. i reclaimed the will to live and to thrive.
stubbornness: i was an expert at this one! i turned my head to what was happening to my body. although i kept working, excessive sick days didn't help my clients, my colleagues, or myself. facing reality was something i refused to do. donna was appropriately worried. doctors told me to retire. my body tried constantly to face life head on. but i didn't listen. instead, i held on to 'i am too strong to give up'. it was yet another bout of sickness in october 2010 that jolted me into reality. with courage at my side, i found the strength to retire. finally i took in a deep breath of relief.
anxiety: now that i had little responsibility, i didn't know what to do with myself. free time alone isn't freedom. restlessness, self-doubt, and guilt took control. but what has been a life pattern, the anxiety released a burst of creativity. among other things, i decided to try drawing. the 120 colored pencils became a vehicle for expression, for purpose, and for enjoyment. i read about artists who found freedom from psychological pain in the creative process. also, i turned to the art of cooking. sitting in the kitchen on my rollator, i was lost in the creative process of dreaming up concoctions and modifying recipes i found online. i thought my favorite dishes that my parents made. i remembered church potlucks, sunday dinners at grandma hughes' house, and nanny's (my grandmother) macaroni and cheese. i experimented with various spices and with unique combinations, some of which were duds, but some were delightfully delicious.
the process of healing has brought me to a level of acceptance. rather than focusing on what i couldn't do, i learned to embrace those things i could do. i cannot say with honesty that i am happy. but i have transformed my definition of happiness into what i view as contentment. the difference? happiness is fleeting and dependent on outside circumstances. contentment, on the other hand, is a choice to satisfied with 'what is'. it is within my power to choose contentment in spite of circumstances. it's an inner peace that happiness cannot duplicate.
before i go, i want to clarify this: i still deal with anger, stubbornness, and anxiety, which donna can easily verify. i still withdraw into myself and give into depression at times. but they are not quicksand anymore, sucking me into hopelessness. instead, they become an opportunity to reaffirm my choice to be content. contentment has become the safety rope that pulls me out of self-pity. my lift chairs and my rollator give me access to more freedom and independence. each day i have a choice to be content with my life. and by golly, it works... most of the time.
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