several years ago, robert fulghum published a book espousing the simple virtues of what we learned in kindergarten. anything else of value that we learned could be traced back to that time in our lives. although the idea is a cute one indeed, i challenge the notion because it is not true. in fact, i would argue that some things from kindergarten may need to be unlearned. but that is a subject for another time.
for almost 28 years, i have learned many things from a certain someone... but learning to trust her love enough... so much that i could safely return that love is probably the most important.
in the beginning of our friendship, i was both amazed and overwhelmed by her ways of loving. frankly, i could not believe in the love that came from her. she was too friendly, too trusting, too loving... it had to be fake. only with time did i realize how authentically those qualities were expressed, not only to me but to others. i spent a lot of time observing how she interacted with others. the consistency with which she loved blew me away to the point that i wanted more.
like a parched and thirsty dog lapping up water, i rapidly began to drink in the trust and love that she offered. i opened my heart and mind to her in ways i had never done before. i simply could not get enough. over a course of five years, we developed a deep bond that tore away those protective boundaries that i had built for myself. i didn't need them anymore.
only when she left the country did i realize that not only did i love her, but i was in love with her. leaving her at the airport, i realized that i had made perhaps the biggest mistake of my life... letting her go without expressing how deeply i loved her.
by some strange and wonderful circumstances, she decided to return to the usa. my mind was racing and my heart was leaping, knowing that i might have a second chance to express those most frightening words, "will you spend the rest of your life with me?". but i waited for months to ask that question because it required me to trust in a way that i never had before. and i almost lost her as a result.
in a moment of vulnerability and of reckless love, i called her in papua new guinea. her voice was stern and angry, pointing out that i had not said one thing about her return to the usa. this was a critical moment. with all the trust i could muster i asked her to marry me, knowing that she would respond with a clear and final rejection.
but her voice softened.
and she said yes.
and nine months later, in a spontaneous but decisive act, we married while vacationing in bangkok, thailand.
has she been consistent in her love since then? has she continued to teach me how to love deeply and trust fully?
YES!
and like that parched and thirsty dog, i continue to lap up donna sue richey-suttles' invitations to love. as a result, i continue to learn how to love and trust other people.
and in the spirit of robert fulghum's book, that is all i need to know
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Doing breakfast
this morning donna and i went to breakfast with a group from our water walking class. the 'burbs are a different place on weekdays when mostly the +55 crowd is out and about. twelve of us ordered anything from veggie sausage gravy (blech!), to eggs soft enough to dip toast (double blech!), to french toast and sausage (yum!!).
it was as if i had been transported into the movie, cocoon, where seniors become energetic, fun-loving, crazy companions. of course there was talk of the past, but so much more about the present and the future. someone went recently on an alaskan cruise, another is going to germany for 3 weeks, and another has started as a volunteer at a hospital. geez! these people are go-getters, including the 91 former sailor that likes to sing (and to teach me to sing) bawdy navy songs.
learning some of the group's history from members and former members made this breakfast special. although each had their own reason for joining the group initially, one common theme was clear, they stayed with the group because they have found ways to make this exercise group like family. it shows in the laughter, the stories, the jokes, and the tears. and the caring is beyond class time and breakfast outings... cards are sent, people visit sick/former members, phone calls are made. people check in with each other.
it's events like this... breakfast with buddies at a mom and pop hometown restaurant that includes on it's menu 'a decent breakfast' for $6.59... that make this guy's heart sing, this belly laugh, and his spirits lifted because he has been with family.
it was as if i had been transported into the movie, cocoon, where seniors become energetic, fun-loving, crazy companions. of course there was talk of the past, but so much more about the present and the future. someone went recently on an alaskan cruise, another is going to germany for 3 weeks, and another has started as a volunteer at a hospital. geez! these people are go-getters, including the 91 former sailor that likes to sing (and to teach me to sing) bawdy navy songs.
learning some of the group's history from members and former members made this breakfast special. although each had their own reason for joining the group initially, one common theme was clear, they stayed with the group because they have found ways to make this exercise group like family. it shows in the laughter, the stories, the jokes, and the tears. and the caring is beyond class time and breakfast outings... cards are sent, people visit sick/former members, phone calls are made. people check in with each other.
it's events like this... breakfast with buddies at a mom and pop hometown restaurant that includes on it's menu 'a decent breakfast' for $6.59... that make this guy's heart sing, this belly laugh, and his spirits lifted because he has been with family.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Lift chairs and rollators
we recently purchased two lift chairs for the sunroom and the tv room. having sat in one at a friend's house, i realized how much easier it is to avoid joint pain when going from a seated to a standing position. just as my rollator allows me greater mobility and freedom, my chairs allow me to modulate pain while seated and while getting up. although using these aids was embarrassing at first, they have become an important part of physical mobility and psychological healing from some powerful forces. for example......
anger: there was a time when anger was a controlling force. i would see people walking freely, sitting comfortably in a restaurant booth, or jumping in and out of a car. anger would rise up with the words, 'it's not fair!!!!!!'. the anger that helped me push through the disease now resulted in frequent bouts of self-pity and two attempts to end my life. eventually i said NO MORE!! releasing myself from destructive anger was empowering. i reclaimed the will to live and to thrive.
stubbornness: i was an expert at this one! i turned my head to what was happening to my body. although i kept working, excessive sick days didn't help my clients, my colleagues, or myself. facing reality was something i refused to do. donna was appropriately worried. doctors told me to retire. my body tried constantly to face life head on. but i didn't listen. instead, i held on to 'i am too strong to give up'. it was yet another bout of sickness in october 2010 that jolted me into reality. with courage at my side, i found the strength to retire. finally i took in a deep breath of relief.
anxiety: now that i had little responsibility, i didn't know what to do with myself. free time alone isn't freedom. restlessness, self-doubt, and guilt took control. but what has been a life pattern, the anxiety released a burst of creativity. among other things, i decided to try drawing. the 120 colored pencils became a vehicle for expression, for purpose, and for enjoyment. i read about artists who found freedom from psychological pain in the creative process. also, i turned to the art of cooking. sitting in the kitchen on my rollator, i was lost in the creative process of dreaming up concoctions and modifying recipes i found online. i thought my favorite dishes that my parents made. i remembered church potlucks, sunday dinners at grandma hughes' house, and nanny's (my grandmother) macaroni and cheese. i experimented with various spices and with unique combinations, some of which were duds, but some were delightfully delicious.
the process of healing has brought me to a level of acceptance. rather than focusing on what i couldn't do, i learned to embrace those things i could do. i cannot say with honesty that i am happy. but i have transformed my definition of happiness into what i view as contentment. the difference? happiness is fleeting and dependent on outside circumstances. contentment, on the other hand, is a choice to satisfied with 'what is'. it is within my power to choose contentment in spite of circumstances. it's an inner peace that happiness cannot duplicate.
before i go, i want to clarify this: i still deal with anger, stubbornness, and anxiety, which donna can easily verify. i still withdraw into myself and give into depression at times. but they are not quicksand anymore, sucking me into hopelessness. instead, they become an opportunity to reaffirm my choice to be content. contentment has become the safety rope that pulls me out of self-pity. my lift chairs and my rollator give me access to more freedom and independence. each day i have a choice to be content with my life. and by golly, it works... most of the time.
anger: there was a time when anger was a controlling force. i would see people walking freely, sitting comfortably in a restaurant booth, or jumping in and out of a car. anger would rise up with the words, 'it's not fair!!!!!!'. the anger that helped me push through the disease now resulted in frequent bouts of self-pity and two attempts to end my life. eventually i said NO MORE!! releasing myself from destructive anger was empowering. i reclaimed the will to live and to thrive.
stubbornness: i was an expert at this one! i turned my head to what was happening to my body. although i kept working, excessive sick days didn't help my clients, my colleagues, or myself. facing reality was something i refused to do. donna was appropriately worried. doctors told me to retire. my body tried constantly to face life head on. but i didn't listen. instead, i held on to 'i am too strong to give up'. it was yet another bout of sickness in october 2010 that jolted me into reality. with courage at my side, i found the strength to retire. finally i took in a deep breath of relief.
anxiety: now that i had little responsibility, i didn't know what to do with myself. free time alone isn't freedom. restlessness, self-doubt, and guilt took control. but what has been a life pattern, the anxiety released a burst of creativity. among other things, i decided to try drawing. the 120 colored pencils became a vehicle for expression, for purpose, and for enjoyment. i read about artists who found freedom from psychological pain in the creative process. also, i turned to the art of cooking. sitting in the kitchen on my rollator, i was lost in the creative process of dreaming up concoctions and modifying recipes i found online. i thought my favorite dishes that my parents made. i remembered church potlucks, sunday dinners at grandma hughes' house, and nanny's (my grandmother) macaroni and cheese. i experimented with various spices and with unique combinations, some of which were duds, but some were delightfully delicious.
the process of healing has brought me to a level of acceptance. rather than focusing on what i couldn't do, i learned to embrace those things i could do. i cannot say with honesty that i am happy. but i have transformed my definition of happiness into what i view as contentment. the difference? happiness is fleeting and dependent on outside circumstances. contentment, on the other hand, is a choice to satisfied with 'what is'. it is within my power to choose contentment in spite of circumstances. it's an inner peace that happiness cannot duplicate.
before i go, i want to clarify this: i still deal with anger, stubbornness, and anxiety, which donna can easily verify. i still withdraw into myself and give into depression at times. but they are not quicksand anymore, sucking me into hopelessness. instead, they become an opportunity to reaffirm my choice to be content. contentment has become the safety rope that pulls me out of self-pity. my lift chairs and my rollator give me access to more freedom and independence. each day i have a choice to be content with my life. and by golly, it works... most of the time.
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