Two heads are better than one.

janus was a greek god who had two heads...  one looking forward and one looking back.  in addition to giving us the name of our first month, he contributed powerful symbols to represent transitions, change, time (both past and future), and our growth from childhood to adulthood.  what an advantage janus had, being a god of vision that was informed by the past. his two heads gave him wisdom that other gods did not have.

in my early years, the importance of knowing the past was lost on me.  after all, i couldn't wait to be in junior high then high school then college then in my first teaching job.  at church i was so excited to arrive finally in the junior department and then to make it to the 'prestigious' teen group.  i couldn't wait for the weekend.. for vacations...   for christmas. 

and now, i find fascination in history, genealogy, the stories of people's lives, and the growing understanding of my own life narrative.  i've accomplished many of my goals and i look forward to coming events.  i can hardly wait for our virginia beach vacation next month.

i will let you in on a private issue that has been irking me lately.  i have been involved quite closely in the lives of a few people.  significant investments of time, energy, and money have gone into their lives..  some of them since their birth.  and now that they have grown to adulthood, some seemed to have forgotten me.  it feels sometimes that i have lost them. 

don't get me wrong, i am happy that they are creating their own lives now.  they are making important decisions about partners, occupations, and lifestyle.  as a psychologist at a university counseling center, i was thrilled when students realized the importance of taking delight and of accepting responsibility for their choices.  after all, isn't that what adulthood is all about?

so even as i fell forgotten, i understand because i did the same thing.  although i was grateful for the love people had shown me throughout my youth, i also took that love for granted.  i profited from their their commitment to me.  but they didn't receive much in return.   i wish so much that they were alive today so that i could express the love that i still have for them.  i wish that i could talk to them and hear their wise words of counsel.  it's as if i have become a janus, looking to the future but having now a deep sense of connection with those people in my past. 

at the risk of sounding too self-important, i believe my 'kids' are missing out on me.  i still am committed to them..  still love them deeply...  still believe in them...  still write to them...  and still celebrate their accomplishments.  and i believe i could make significant contributions to their lives if those communication lines worked both ways. 

i am convinced that someday they they will 'grow a head' that looks to the past.  they will remember and will realize the benefits of having me (and others who love them) in their lives.  but that time has not come.  their janus has not yet emerged. 

and so as other people have undoubtedly done for me, i observe their lives from afar.  i feel joy when they are happy.  and i am heartbroken when i know life punches them in the face.  there is much satisfaction in knowing i have played a part in what they are today.

i choose to remain involved in their lives.  i choose to keep my commitments to them.  and i choose to keep loving them no matter what.  after all, isn't that what januses do?