Aliens

as a child, visits to nanny's house in dayton were replete with 'adventures' not usually allowed back home in columbus.  one of those adventures was staying up late to watch scary movies. sometimes my aunt robbie would join us in our friday 'fright night'.

on one particular occasion, we three kids watched a movie... alone.  it was a space alien movie filled with fear, doom, and gloom.  what i remember most is that my seat gradually moved from a comfy chair to a small space behind the chair where the aliens couldn't find me. the terror was most intense due to so many unknowns, especially the eventual outcome of the innocent earthlings. i wanted to go to bed, but i was not about to leave with my brother and sister still watching.

 about three-quarters into the movie, my mom came down the stairs and ordered us to bed.  i am sure the tv volume woke her up.  and i was so relieved that she put a quick end to the movie.  it was as if turning off the tv ended my fear of the unknown, except for the nightmares that resulted.

today i face another movie starring me and co-starring donna and a neurologist. for several month now, i have been having episodes of disorientation.  whether out driving or in the house, i find that i don't know where i am.  a few weeks ago i finally admitted to donna what was happening.  so a visit to my doctor was in order, who referred me to a neurologist.  at the appointment, he found evidence of nerve damage in my legs and arms. suspecting several causes for my symptoms, he ordered several brain and nerve tests to be done in april, and a follow-up in june. june! holy, scary wait, batman!!

after the mri last tuesday, i have been obsessed with the unknown.  nightmares have been frequent and waking hours have been filled with thoughts of what could be.  don't anyone tell me not to be worried.  of course, i think most about the worst case scenarios.  that is what happens when i face fears of the unknown, whether it be the final fate of the earthlings or the final results of the tests.  i wish someone could turn off the tv and make it all go away.

so we both wait... wondering... worrying... hoping...and longing for answers.  try as i may to quell my fears by keeping myself busy, those inner aliens continue to attack at my most vulnerable area... my fear of the unknown. 

i have faced many unknowns in life, especially in the last 4 1/2 years. each time, those aliens attack with promises of doom and gloom only to be vanquished to outer space when i finally know the facts. one would think i would be an expert on coping with the unknown by now.

nada!

so again i wait for news, whether good or not so good.

this really gets old!