Jolting thru the morning

the test preparations started at midnight.  i had to stay awake until then and was allowed to sleep until 5am.  daily routines die hard, as is the case with my usual first event of a new day...  heating the water for coffee.  but this morning, caffeine was a no-no.  to distract myself, i let loose my angry birds, caught up with any news that happened since midnight, and played a few rounds of lexulous.  eight o'clock could not come soon enough. 

at 8:30, we arrived at the doctor's office to begin a morning of testing to determine two things:  1. why am i having spells of disorientation and confusion? and 2. why are my legs numb, burning, and weak?  several people have shared their stories of having these tests, but this inquiring mind was open to his own experience.

an ultrasound of my carotid arteries was quick and easy.  however, the technician pushed a bit too hard sometimes, giving me a bit of a 'buzz' when my arteries were compressed.  i can't argue with a natural high.

next came the emg, which happened in two parts.  first, the technician jolted me with various strengths of electrical current.  i tried to keep my toes uncurled but the electrical current was just too convincing.  then the doctor arrived to do the needle part of the test.  after the initial pokes, he said several times...  'while you are on the table, can i do one more poke?"  heck, why not?  this was my best chance at getting the one-stop poke treatment. i was not keen on returning another day for more fun.

finally, did i receive hair extensions or were they just multiple wires glued on to my scalp while the technician gave me her opinion of the follies of smartphones and texting? letting her know i had a dumbphone seemed to end that conversation. it was comforting when she told me to close my eyes and sleep if i wanted.  my eyes were to stay closed as bright lights of various intensities and speeds entertained me.  that experienced lasted about 45 minutes.  i left quietly hiding my cellphone to avoid any further commentary on the smartphone situation.

after leaving the office, we headed to the car.  without much ceremony, i 'informed' donna that we were headed to the quick stop shop for caffeine.  a headache from a lack of that drug was evidenced by my short, grizzly-bear responses to her.  i didn't want to talk, i just wanted an i.v.  it took approximately 2.173 street blocks to consume two beverages. 

coming home, i headed right to bed.  sleep came very quickly.

 i find out the results of the tests two weeks from today.  for now, i hope to make peace with the two-week wait.  what may make that happen is that i think i've made some peace today with the unknown.  so for today, i will enjoy the peace.  tomorrow is too far off to entertain much worry.

Two heads are better than one.

janus was a greek god who had two heads...  one looking forward and one looking back.  in addition to giving us the name of our first month, he contributed powerful symbols to represent transitions, change, time (both past and future), and our growth from childhood to adulthood.  what an advantage janus had, being a god of vision that was informed by the past. his two heads gave him wisdom that other gods did not have.

in my early years, the importance of knowing the past was lost on me.  after all, i couldn't wait to be in junior high then high school then college then in my first teaching job.  at church i was so excited to arrive finally in the junior department and then to make it to the 'prestigious' teen group.  i couldn't wait for the weekend.. for vacations...   for christmas. 

and now, i find fascination in history, genealogy, the stories of people's lives, and the growing understanding of my own life narrative.  i've accomplished many of my goals and i look forward to coming events.  i can hardly wait for our virginia beach vacation next month.

i will let you in on a private issue that has been irking me lately.  i have been involved quite closely in the lives of a few people.  significant investments of time, energy, and money have gone into their lives..  some of them since their birth.  and now that they have grown to adulthood, some seemed to have forgotten me.  it feels sometimes that i have lost them. 

don't get me wrong, i am happy that they are creating their own lives now.  they are making important decisions about partners, occupations, and lifestyle.  as a psychologist at a university counseling center, i was thrilled when students realized the importance of taking delight and of accepting responsibility for their choices.  after all, isn't that what adulthood is all about?

so even as i fell forgotten, i understand because i did the same thing.  although i was grateful for the love people had shown me throughout my youth, i also took that love for granted.  i profited from their their commitment to me.  but they didn't receive much in return.   i wish so much that they were alive today so that i could express the love that i still have for them.  i wish that i could talk to them and hear their wise words of counsel.  it's as if i have become a janus, looking to the future but having now a deep sense of connection with those people in my past. 

at the risk of sounding too self-important, i believe my 'kids' are missing out on me.  i still am committed to them..  still love them deeply...  still believe in them...  still write to them...  and still celebrate their accomplishments.  and i believe i could make significant contributions to their lives if those communication lines worked both ways. 

i am convinced that someday they they will 'grow a head' that looks to the past.  they will remember and will realize the benefits of having me (and others who love them) in their lives.  but that time has not come.  their janus has not yet emerged. 

and so as other people have undoubtedly done for me, i observe their lives from afar.  i feel joy when they are happy.  and i am heartbroken when i know life punches them in the face.  there is much satisfaction in knowing i have played a part in what they are today.

i choose to remain involved in their lives.  i choose to keep my commitments to them.  and i choose to keep loving them no matter what.  after all, isn't that what januses do?

She knows!

last week i had the opportunity to speak to a group of thirty medical professionals at a local hospital.  during a three-day workshop on 'reviving the spirit of caring', ninety minutes are set aside for former patients to share their experiences of being in the hospital.  i remembered several positive and negative experiences and donna helped me fill in things that i didn't remember. 

revisiting these experiences was more intense than i expected, evidenced by an increase in hospital-related nightmares.  i also know that dreams are my brain's way of helping...  resolving and healing the memories of some of those events.

i will spare you the long list of experiences, thoughts, and emotions.  but i want to highlight one very special experience that i don't remember except through the eyes and ears of donna.  apparently, a female housekeeper had finished tidying up my room and i was thanking her.  her response gives me goosebumps whenever i think of it. 

donna told me this:  the housekeeper said that cleaning the rooms was her gift to the patients.

again...

cleaning the rooms was her gift to the patients.

this woman, who no doubt is invisible to many people, realized that what she did was more than useful...  it was important...  it was vital.  the shiny floors, the dusted furniture, and disinfected surfaces, the tidy bathroom impacted the well-being and the recovery of the patients she served. 

i won't suggest that we all hold hands and sing 'we are the world' with a couple key changes to make the song more alive.  and i won't submit her name to the vatican for sainthood.  either action would be most likely embarrassing to her.

but i would like to nominate her for a place at the table where other medical professionals discuss medical techniques, strategic planning, and clever marketing ideas to improve their performance ratings.

if you listen carefully to her voice, you might hear her say, 'i don't know much about medical things, but i do know what a good feeling it gives me to help our patients.  i know why i do what i do'.  a few people may politely thank her for her comment, someone may be making note about some brilliant idea.  but i would hope that for most people, this woman's words would ring true.  they would know that she hit the bulls-eye about what makes a hospital great.

of course i wish i knew the woman's name.  i would like to thank her.  and she would appreciate it.  but i have a sneakin' suspicsion that she appreciates much more the luxury of knowing her that she makes a difference in the lives of her patients.  it makes little difference whether they know it... or not. 

because she knows!

Aliens

as a child, visits to nanny's house in dayton were replete with 'adventures' not usually allowed back home in columbus.  one of those adventures was staying up late to watch scary movies. sometimes my aunt robbie would join us in our friday 'fright night'.

on one particular occasion, we three kids watched a movie... alone.  it was a space alien movie filled with fear, doom, and gloom.  what i remember most is that my seat gradually moved from a comfy chair to a small space behind the chair where the aliens couldn't find me. the terror was most intense due to so many unknowns, especially the eventual outcome of the innocent earthlings. i wanted to go to bed, but i was not about to leave with my brother and sister still watching.

 about three-quarters into the movie, my mom came down the stairs and ordered us to bed.  i am sure the tv volume woke her up.  and i was so relieved that she put a quick end to the movie.  it was as if turning off the tv ended my fear of the unknown, except for the nightmares that resulted.

today i face another movie starring me and co-starring donna and a neurologist. for several month now, i have been having episodes of disorientation.  whether out driving or in the house, i find that i don't know where i am.  a few weeks ago i finally admitted to donna what was happening.  so a visit to my doctor was in order, who referred me to a neurologist.  at the appointment, he found evidence of nerve damage in my legs and arms. suspecting several causes for my symptoms, he ordered several brain and nerve tests to be done in april, and a follow-up in june. june! holy, scary wait, batman!!

after the mri last tuesday, i have been obsessed with the unknown.  nightmares have been frequent and waking hours have been filled with thoughts of what could be.  don't anyone tell me not to be worried.  of course, i think most about the worst case scenarios.  that is what happens when i face fears of the unknown, whether it be the final fate of the earthlings or the final results of the tests.  i wish someone could turn off the tv and make it all go away.

so we both wait... wondering... worrying... hoping...and longing for answers.  try as i may to quell my fears by keeping myself busy, those inner aliens continue to attack at my most vulnerable area... my fear of the unknown. 

i have faced many unknowns in life, especially in the last 4 1/2 years. each time, those aliens attack with promises of doom and gloom only to be vanquished to outer space when i finally know the facts. one would think i would be an expert on coping with the unknown by now.

nada!

so again i wait for news, whether good or not so good.

this really gets old!