a predominant dynamic in my healing process is the issue of my weight. often, when in public, i sense an oppressive judgment about not only my weight but also the reasons for my obesity. lazy... undisciplined... gluttonous...
coming to a greater understanding of the shame, i have realized that those judgments are the ones i have put on people who are obese. i did the same thing. dismissing such people was an easy and 'natural' thing to do. 'they are fat, they don't exist in my world!'. and so it goes.
the judgment i feel from others actually comes from the voices inside my own head. that is not to say that some people don't judge me. rather, the worst critic is me. as such, i wonder how much i enter a social situation already laden with those messages... 'i am too fat to have worth'... 'nobody will take me seriously'... 'who can see beyond my size?'...
those self-judgments become so ingrained, i am not aware at times that i am doing that to myself. it is seems natural. but self-oppression should be anything but natural. i grieve over the energy i spend on judging myself that could be put to better use on creative energy, intellectual energy, connecting energy.
what would my world be like if i were to suddenly drop these self-judgments and to believe that i am much, much more than my weight? would i socialize more? would i enjoy the moments of life? would projections of judgment from other people lessen?... or cease?... or not matter?
it's unnerving to write this because it lays out a problem. and it lays out the makings of a solution. the most unnerving part for me is to struggle with 'how do i get to another place?'.
for now, i will sit with my thoughts, attempt to embrace what i feel, and make room to allow for a different way of thinking. being genuine about my current thoughts and feelings has to be! fake or revved up rah! rah! rahs! don't cut it.
so i think, consider, and sit with all of this. it takes time to digest.
No comments:
Post a Comment