Drum-rolls

i learned something new today...  men get epidurals too. 

"in the spirit of murses, bromance, and man-girdles, the procedure formally reserved for women in labor now is available in a gender-neutral environment.  life is good."

those were my thoughts as i climbed onto the table in the doctor's office.  he was about to do a lumbar epidural in order to relieve pain and burning in my thighs and legs.  as i lay there face down, i hear chattering voices sharing their weekend plans.   within ten minutes, it was over...  drama-free.   and i went home to wait 48-72 hours for some relief to come. 

it's been 20 hours.  nada.

the worse part of waiting is...  well...   waiting.  it's where hope and anxiety and excitement and fear exist.  being there many times before, i have developed some tolerance for the anticipation.  yet, each new waiting time is unique because the end result is not known..  yet.  

it's kind of like watching 'worst cooks in america'.  the contestants chop, peel, saute, cook, and plate their food.  and then they wait for the decision of the judges.  i sit there with compassion anxiety listening to the comments made by worried contestants... 'will the judge like what i prepared', 'i burned the carrots'!, 'will i be voted off the show?'.  come on judges.... finish the damn drum-roll and bring on the decision!!!!!

when the decisions are made, some smile and laugh and clap.  some hug in a ritual of mutual relief.  and two tear up knowing that they have been eliminated, they take off their aprons, and they walk off the set.  and for all, the episode ends. 

whoa!  down with the drama, stephen.  pa-leeze!

lesson learned:  no big epiphany.  no brand-new insight.  no sudden burst of enlightenment.  just a familiar and frequent event in life happens again, drum-rolls and all.  waiting is one of those things that we all know about; it's part of our common experience.  and we know that it will happen again...  very, very soon.

Organic

the last time i looked, organic food is everywhere in the grocery store.  whether it is fresh, canned, or frozen, organic food, along with free food (hormone-free, antibiotic-free) is everywhere.  and there is a price to be paid...  organic food costs significantly more than regular food.  in addition, the 'national organic program', an arm of the department of agriculture, enforces laws designed to define what organic food is or isn't.  what used to be a counter-culture phenomenon, organic food has gone mainstream.

the older i get, a move toward a more organic self seems to take on more steam.  the additives just don't matter as much anymore.  all the time, stress, and effort to make a good impression, to pretend i am something i am not, and to repress thoughts and feelings are not worth it anymore.  i am left wondering why the additives seemed for so long to be natural!

i won't go into my theories about the impact of education, religious training, rigid sex roles, media influence, and the desire to be liked have shaped me.  but if asked, i would glady enlighten you.  suffice it to say that those additives, for better or worse, have at times squeezed and then re-constituted me into a persona that is not naturally me. 

belting out the song 'i gotta be me!' could be inserted here.  perhaps a medley of tunes including 'r e s p e c t' and 'honesty' would make a lovely serenade.  but i promise to contain myself, at least until noon.  i will be content, instead, with humming a tune written and directed by and for me.

Moments

i was sitting outside at nanny's house eating a popsicle as fast as possible before it created grape-colored streaks down my arm.  nanny, granny, and 25+ kids were enjoying the same afternoon treat in the hot summer sun.  we had just finished enjoying the cold water fun of a hose splashing us without mercy.  just how many games can a kid invent with a water hose?  the cement was getting warm again, my shorts were drying off, and it was time to return to the swings, merry-go-round, and slide. 

glimpses of past events can, in a moment, become real again.   they can turn a fifty-seven year old into a 5 year old kid in a flash.  suddenly a body is free to run, jump, fall down, get up, run, swing, slide.  and making important decisions such as choosing the right flavor of popsicle is just about as complicated as it gets.  and they can be a powerful reminder of how imagination and creativity flow from simple and spontaneous curiosity

certainly 'big' life events are like milestones...  the first day in high school...  walking to the drugstore by myself... the first crush.  but it's the thousands of 'little' events are just as important. they provide, after all,  a clear reminder of those people and events that have shaped our lives...  and continue to do so.

Body shame

a predominant dynamic in my healing process is the issue of my weight.  often, when in public, i sense an oppressive judgment about not only my weight but also the reasons for my obesity.  lazy...  undisciplined...  gluttonous...  

coming to a greater understanding of the shame, i have realized that those judgments are the ones i have put on people who are obese.  i did the same thing.  dismissing such people was an easy and 'natural' thing to do.  'they are fat, they don't exist in my world!'.  and so it goes.

the judgment i feel from others actually comes from the voices inside my own head.  that is not to say that some people don't judge me.  rather, the worst critic is me.  as such, i wonder how much i enter a social situation already laden with those messages...   'i am too fat to have worth'... 'nobody will take me seriously'... 'who can see beyond my size?'...

those self-judgments become so ingrained, i am not aware at times that i am doing that to myself.  it is seems natural. but self-oppression should be anything but natural.   i grieve over the energy i spend on judging myself that could be put to better use on creative energy, intellectual energy, connecting energy.

what would my world be like if i were to suddenly drop these self-judgments and to believe that i am much, much more than my weight?  would i socialize more?  would i enjoy the moments of life?  would projections of judgment from other people lessen?... or cease?...  or not matter? 

it's unnerving to write this because it lays out a problem.  and it lays out the makings of a solution.  the most unnerving part for me is to struggle with 'how do i get to another place?'. 

for now, i will sit with my thoughts, attempt to embrace what i feel, and make room to allow for a different way of thinking.  being genuine about my current thoughts and feelings has to be!  fake or revved up rah! rah! rahs! don't cut it. 

so i think, consider, and sit with all of this.  it takes time to digest.