Anticipanxiety

i have submitted this word to webster.  hopefully he will understand that anticipation and anxiety feel very similar, even though brought on by different events. 

i have been chatting with my 90-mentor/artist friend who is making her yearly trek to sante fe, new mexico.  yesterday, she told me that she is packing for her trip although she is leaving in two weeks!  this woman lives for this trips, where she creates her own brands of art.  and she shops for jewelry, silver of course.  we will visit her in early october to share in her experiences and adventures.

next week i have an important appt. with my pulmonologist in cincinnati.  i am supposed to learn more about the prognosis and treatment plan for this new disease.  i am anticipating the appointment, feeling the anxiety grow with each new day that i wait.  i wish the appointment were tomorrow. 

jane and i share a common experience.  waiting and anticipating an event in the near future.  for both of us, the closer it gets the more it seems like forever.  she said the anticipation is sometimes half of the fun of the event itself.  each day, she will anticipate what will happen the next day.  in fact, she is already anticipating her trip in 2012!! 

so to redirect my anxiety energy, i am doing the jane thing... anticipating our next trip to the beach in may 2012.  it will be so much fun!  i will wait a few weeks before packing.

Fun

sometimes i look back on the 'fun times' of my youth.  amusement parks, vacations, silly pranks, and private jokes.  fun involved stepping out of the present reality and finding something funny. the fun teachers were those who cracked jokes while teaching...  even the corny jokes.   my 8th and 11th grade history teachers were masters of joking, which may be a reason that i love history so much.

another aspect of fun was finding something that consumed my attention.  board games were a staple in my childhood.  hours would pass as we played rook, scrabble, monopoly, pit, sorry, and stratego.  of course, reading was another way to escape into timelessness.  fiction was so engrossing that i was sad (and even cried) when the book was finished.  the characters had become such good friends to me.

having fun in church was particularly satisfying.  knowing that behaving reverently was the expectation presented an irresistible temptation to have fun.  and it cut the boredom.  for example, i could hardly stand to sing, 'how firm a foundation' because in one of the verses the phrase, 'hoary hairs' appeared.  how saintly can a boy be when he has to sing that phrase, especially when he looks at another boy who is thinking the same thing.  and how could a bored kid resist going through the hymnal, adding 'under the sheets' to the titles.  it just doesn't get any better than that!!

in my careers as an elementary teacher and psychologist, i was sure to include fun into my style.  i remember hiding in the coat closet before my students returned from art class.  after they settled into their seats, i jumped out of the closet dressed as a pirate (ok, so i wore my tie around my head like a bandanna).  the students jumped, screamed, laughed, clapped, and were energized.  a creative writing session was just about to begin.

as a psychologist i added fun by including creativity to many sessions, since working through problems sometimes were hindered by words.  frequently i was known around the counseling center as the 'goofy' one...  a badge i wore proudly.  one time i piled a bunch of chairs in front of the director's door and waited for his response.  of course, i gathered my colleague to observe with me.  the director took it in stride, thankfully. 

finding fun as a way to cope with my present physical condition has been a challenge.  i have discovered, however, new ways to have fun.  the formula is simple.  i find something that either amuses me or engrosses me, looking for those moments of inspiration that point the way to something that is fascinating.  sometimes it is pursuing 'tried and true' interests such as cooking, games, entertaining, and movies.  other times it is discovering new interests such as sketching, writing, genealogy work, and home design.  of course, i am always up for a good joke, a crazy prank, or a nutso idiosyncrasy that pops up when someone is looking. 

fun, with it's spontaneous and creative expressions, carries life and energy on it's wings.  it is FUN that i salute today. 

btw, did you hear about the one where.....    : )

The lives of others

recently, we watched the movie, 'the lives of others' which focused on the work of the east german stasi in the 1980s.  in brief, the movie portrayed a person's attitude toward 'the enemy' change from a cold stone to a warm heart. the mission of spying transforms into listening to the humanity of the situation.

this past several weeks have challenged my ability to retain a warm heart.  wishing to reject this latest diagnosis has resulted at times in an attitudes ranging from anger to apathy (i.e., damn it! i don't care).   then the futility of wishing the diseases away hits me, in spite of how familiarly good it feels.

i keep a sketching diary of my attitude toward MPA.  a written diary has been a stop-start venture over the years.  but by by-passing words to access the feelings allows me to see my experience.  creating and then viewing the pictures alchemizes the cold stone into a warm heart.  and compassion sets in, no matter how dark or how inspiring is the sketch, to remind me that i am not a walking disease.  i am human.