as a child, i used to cross my fingers behind my back in order to nullify a promise... or to tell a lie without 'really' telling a lie. i also used it as a good-luck wish, either for myself or for others. if i were to face a challenging situation, like a spelling test, i would ask others to cross their fingers for me. even now, i will say 'good luck' or 'i'll cross my fingers for you'. in fact, i will admit to crossing my fingers at times when i want a bit of luck.
today is one of those finger-crossing days.
yesterday, i went to a pain management doctor to determine if a medical procedure would help with the pain i have been experiencing. already ruled out was any major structural damage to my spine, so surgery was not necessary. for days i had been very anxious about this doctor's visit because i was hoping he could help me. after looking at my mri's and examined me and then sat down to talk. by the look on his face, i knew that news was not going to be pleasant. basically, he told me there was nothing he could do for me, given the type of pain i had been experiencing for so long, i had been visiting doctors, attending physical therapy three times a week, and having various tests done to determine what was going on with me. and now the doctor in whom i had placed a lot of hope had nothing to offer.
that is except this: he said there was a very low chance that steroid injections could help, but he doubted that they would help in my case. instead he recommended an increase in pain medication... just what i didn't want to do! with tears streaming down my face, i listened to his explanations trying to find hope in any word that he might say. and that didn't happen.
we were about finished with the consult when i asked him (almost begged him) to try those injections. he was very hesitant, but relented after my persuasion skills made a dent in this thinking. he checked his schedule to make sure he had time to do it.. right then.
taking off my shirt, i directed him toward the three main pain spots on my back. then he injected six shots of steroids into the painful areas. inside, i applauded myself for being so persistent. he said to call him in a week if i had any improvement. i was almost certain he was thinking, 'i won't see this guy anymore'.
the day was exhausting, so i went to bed at 7am. i wanted to escape all the frustration and disappointment i had experienced. and i fell into a deep sleep for almost 9 hours, which i highly unusual for me.
this morning i woke up and started my routine of brushing my teeth, making coffee, and settling into my chair to catch up on news and emails. and then i realize that something was missing. where was the pain? i could twist my neck, my back wasn't throbbing, i could stand without hurting. what the hell was going on?
after that moment of shock, i started laughing. the injections had worked! i felt as giddy as scrooge when he awoke to christmas morning realizing he was still alive. i did have enough sense not to dance around and jump on the bed in joy. but i could hardly believe it. i had found some relief as evidenced by the tears that ran down my face. i was tempted to wake donna up, but i knew she needed her sleep.
so i took my coffee into the sunroom, powered on my computer, and still wondered where the pain was. this couldn't be happening! and i even felt rested, which is rare these days. it seemed like hours before donna finally walked in to the room. and she shared my joy when i told her.
all day i have cautioned myself not to get all revved up. i have resisted doing chores that would normally hurt. but inside, i have been crossing my fingers. would this last beyond a day? week? i want luck and i wanted assurance, both of which are impossible. but i crossed my fingers anyway and i decided to enjoy the pain-free day.
will it last? i don't know.
will i be able to be more limber, more mobile, more active? i don't know.
time will tell. but for today, all i can feel is a big HOORAY!
i can't wait to call the doctor next wednesday!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Learning by example
i have learned from and modeled myself after many people in order to become the person i am today. two important examples come from the lives of my parents.
my father was a minister. he had served in that role since graduating from college in the early 1940's. and he continued to preach until the early 1980's. after approximately 2 years in zanesville, ohio, he moved to columbus, where he spent the rest of his professional life at shepard/shapherd church. during his ministry, he learned to preach, to perform weddings and funerals, to visit hospitals and homes in order comfort people, to counsel those who were in trouble and who were hurting, to deal with various delicate situations that happen in most churches, to be a fund-raiser, and to be an overseer of two building projects. he also learned to be a husband, husband-in-law, father, father-in-law, and grandfather. so many transformations within one profession, and at mostly at one location.
he met my mother when she lead a youth revival at shepard church in 1949 or 1950 and subsequently married her on january 1, 1951. she was an evangelist/preacher from the time she was a teenager. she traveled by bus, train, and car to churches in towns whose names many people would not recognize. she learned to work with people who had various expectations of a female preacher. she learned to be assertive in the face of prejudice and legalism.
my mother was a housewife and soon after a mother with the birth of my brother in 1953, myself in 1954, and my sister in 1960. during that time, she learned to establish her role as and woman, a wife, an adult daughter, a mother, and an in-law. also, she defined for herself what it meant for her to be the partner of a minister. many expectations were placed on a minister's wife in those days. i think mom conformed when she could, and transformed the role to be true to herself. of course, many in the church supported her decisions to make the role her own. and she evolved over time as a counselor, sunday school teacher, occasional preacher and evangelist, fund-raiser, and vacation bible school director to name a few.
a major transformation came in the 1960's when she decided, with my father's encouragement, to enter college to become an elementary school teacher. suddenly, stacks of books appeared and much time was devoted to studying. for four years, she redefined her many roles. other re-definitions came when she became a full-time teacher. in the years since my father died in 1988, she learned to be a single woman before re-marrying in 1995.
what i learned from parents was a importance of defining what it is to be me. from my father, i learned, among other things, to respect women and to value the stability of a career. from my mother, i learned the importance of re-defining myself/my roles due to my choices and to situations in my life that i did not choose.
even now, i am learning a new type of stability as a retired person with a disability by establishing new routines and roles. the challenge comes in being assertive by letting go of self-expectations and the expectations of others. it comes from learning to deal with the medical profession and with chronic medical conditions. the reward comes from the satisfaction of transforming myself, again, into the person i want to be by following new dreams and by pursuing new interests. and i continue to follow the lives of others as examples of how to do all of this.
my father was a minister. he had served in that role since graduating from college in the early 1940's. and he continued to preach until the early 1980's. after approximately 2 years in zanesville, ohio, he moved to columbus, where he spent the rest of his professional life at shepard/shapherd church. during his ministry, he learned to preach, to perform weddings and funerals, to visit hospitals and homes in order comfort people, to counsel those who were in trouble and who were hurting, to deal with various delicate situations that happen in most churches, to be a fund-raiser, and to be an overseer of two building projects. he also learned to be a husband, husband-in-law, father, father-in-law, and grandfather. so many transformations within one profession, and at mostly at one location.
he met my mother when she lead a youth revival at shepard church in 1949 or 1950 and subsequently married her on january 1, 1951. she was an evangelist/preacher from the time she was a teenager. she traveled by bus, train, and car to churches in towns whose names many people would not recognize. she learned to work with people who had various expectations of a female preacher. she learned to be assertive in the face of prejudice and legalism.
my mother was a housewife and soon after a mother with the birth of my brother in 1953, myself in 1954, and my sister in 1960. during that time, she learned to establish her role as and woman, a wife, an adult daughter, a mother, and an in-law. also, she defined for herself what it meant for her to be the partner of a minister. many expectations were placed on a minister's wife in those days. i think mom conformed when she could, and transformed the role to be true to herself. of course, many in the church supported her decisions to make the role her own. and she evolved over time as a counselor, sunday school teacher, occasional preacher and evangelist, fund-raiser, and vacation bible school director to name a few.
a major transformation came in the 1960's when she decided, with my father's encouragement, to enter college to become an elementary school teacher. suddenly, stacks of books appeared and much time was devoted to studying. for four years, she redefined her many roles. other re-definitions came when she became a full-time teacher. in the years since my father died in 1988, she learned to be a single woman before re-marrying in 1995.
what i learned from parents was a importance of defining what it is to be me. from my father, i learned, among other things, to respect women and to value the stability of a career. from my mother, i learned the importance of re-defining myself/my roles due to my choices and to situations in my life that i did not choose.
even now, i am learning a new type of stability as a retired person with a disability by establishing new routines and roles. the challenge comes in being assertive by letting go of self-expectations and the expectations of others. it comes from learning to deal with the medical profession and with chronic medical conditions. the reward comes from the satisfaction of transforming myself, again, into the person i want to be by following new dreams and by pursuing new interests. and i continue to follow the lives of others as examples of how to do all of this.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Un-inspiration
not everyday has to include inspiration. realizing that reduces pressure... and expectations. i usually write out of something inspiring... something that jolts me into a feeling of gratitude, joy, or pain out of which comes out-of-the-box thoughts for me.
lately, that has not happened. not that inspiration is absent, but perhaps i haven't been looking. or wanting to look. i start to blog about something and my interest quickly wanes.
so today, i write about un-inspiration. this is not a poor-me topic. it is, however, one that happens occasionally. whether it is a natural protection against too much mental stimulation/anxiety, pain, depression, or just boredom, 'uninspired' comes to live for awhile.
fighting it brings frustration. it's not as if i can suddenly decide to get inspired. the best response is to wait and allow the senses to work. and eventually something i see, hear, etc., comes along and with it, inspiration. i have learned to trust that.
lately, that has not happened. not that inspiration is absent, but perhaps i haven't been looking. or wanting to look. i start to blog about something and my interest quickly wanes.
so today, i write about un-inspiration. this is not a poor-me topic. it is, however, one that happens occasionally. whether it is a natural protection against too much mental stimulation/anxiety, pain, depression, or just boredom, 'uninspired' comes to live for awhile.
fighting it brings frustration. it's not as if i can suddenly decide to get inspired. the best response is to wait and allow the senses to work. and eventually something i see, hear, etc., comes along and with it, inspiration. i have learned to trust that.
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