Figment

imagine for a moment (as rod serling used to say) a 300 lbs. man lying on his stomach with pressure applied to his back while, at the same time, trying to breath.  it is a story of slight amusement mixed with pain and semi-suffocation.  you are entering the twilight zone.

indeed, i had to laugh a bit yesterday during my physical therapy treatment.  for 20 minutes, kelly applied with her hands various levels of pressure on my back.  focusing on the three 'hot spots', she was careful and yet it really, really hurt.  and as she pressed, i would blow out air. 

frequently she would ask me if the pain was too much.  all i could think of was, "stephen, stephen are you ok?" kinda of cpr annie facedown

 i told her to continue if she thought the pain was worth the subsequent relief.  afterwards, i sit up on the bed, lightheaded and drained.  i imagined what the relief would feel like in a few hours.  it was a misty water-colored image. 

then kelly escorted me to the traction room where she applied two strips of kenesio tape down the length of my spine.  of course, she noticed two strips of missing hair where donna had assisting me in pulling of the first application of the tape.  imagine tire tracks in a field of grass!! 

and then...  20 minutes of gumby traction.

i came home to rest.  we were going to the play 'avenue q' and i was determined to see it!  the play was hilarious, all 150 minutes of it.  imagine puppets and people intermingling to create a story of finding one own's purpose.  my purpose for the evening was to stay focused even as i felt like one of the puppets with a rod up it's back.  i was tempted, slightly, to go onstage and play a role. 

the irony of fighting pain with ridiculous, hilarious images is fascinating.  but sometimes it works. 
rod serling...
cpr annie...
redford and streisand...
tire tracks on my back...
having a rod up my...  spine, being controlled by a puppeteer.

figment has helped me out many times.  figment, of course, is the tour guide through 'journey into imagination' at disney world.  i brought him home with me over 20 years ago in the guise of a stuffed animal.  although he is long gone from our home, he continues to remind me that just a figment of my imagination can get me through a rough time. 

sure would like to have my figment stuffed imaginimal back....

Jamie

i never met him.  never heard his voice.  never texted him.  yet jamie was a friend.

we met playing an online game that has a chat feature.  we became friends by sharing silly things, talking about serious things, and checking up on each other.  in december, he told me he was going for a bone marrow transplant...  his second one.  he was confident that he would be in remission after the procedure.

he never recovered.  he stay in isolation at the hospital for weeks.  sometimes he was too weak to chat, but he would frequently send a message to say hello. 

last week his partner wrote me saying that jamie had died.  what a heartbreaking end to a 26 year old man's life.

opportunities for friendship and support are everywhere.  it may take several tries, but someone comes along who wants to connect...  like jamie and me.  when feeling isolated, i remind myself to choose to  keep my eyes open, my ear to the ground and my heart open.  friendships can come along.  and they do.

Fucking day...

sometimes life sucks big time on this emotional roller coaster.  i had to 'twist the arm' of my pcp's nurse for an appt. to go over my mri results.  arthritis and 'possible' impingement in my spine is the report. but what the hell does that mean.  monday, i see my pcp.  i NEED options.

i am growing weary of all this waiting.  the pain is intense, and the answers are nebulous.  yes, today is a discouraging day....  not to mention that i found a dent in my new car.  what asshole would not leave a note?????

i cannot deal with this back pain much longer.  there has to be answers, even if it means surgery.  what is life if there is not quality of life. 

i am a fighter.  i have worked thru a lot of challenges.  right now, i am stymied; i am counting on doctors' recommendations for options.  for the first time, i am ok with surgery if it will relieve this back pain. 

i miss cooking.  it just hurts too much to chop, cut, mix, etc.  i just cant have that passion taking away from me. 

some days are better than others....   this is not a good one. fur shur.

Horrid herod

one favorite and scary parts of christmas was the christmas play at church.  i loved the costumed adult characters, the fake beards, the flowing robes, and the makeup.  but the thing that scared me was when herod became angry.  danny clay, who played herod, had a booming voice.  and he knew how to use it.  as the scene approached, i would hold on to my mother to steady myself.  when the scene finished, i was relieved as well as excited that i had 'made it through' another herod scene. 

i eagerly awaited the premiere of 'raiders of the lost ark'.   in all the action of the movie, the scene in which harrison ford fell into a pit of snakes propelled me about 10 feet into the air.  later, i took a friend to see it.  he jumped, but i jumped again, maybe 8.5 feet.  it was crazy seeing the movie at least 4 more times, but i wanted to recreate that fear and the relief that came with it. 

saturday we vacation in puerto rico for a week.  the excitement is growing by the hour, as is the fear.  the excitement is about flying for the first time since i became ill.  since i never thought i could fly again, this opportunity holds very special meaning.  but i fear, to some degree, the risks taken due to my health.  also, i wonder how much i can get around.  but as i say to donna, i hurt whether i go or stay home.  so, let's go! 

i anticipate that upon returning home next week, i will feel the relief of successfully facing the fear.  but more importantly, i expect to feel the satisfaction (as i do now) that i won't allow the fear to control my life and spoil the fun.