Everything's possible

Today i finish my work at the counseling center and transfer into retirement.  Although i will have some additional tasks to finish, those can wait for a few weeks.  this morning, donna and i will collect the rest of my office possessions.

 

after today, i will hold the title of 'associate director' no longer.  what i WILL be is still a mystery, except that 'stephen' will still be 'stephen'.  but the possibilities are endless.

 

this song, which i cherish, comes to mind.  at the time of this transition, they carry with them a new, relevant meaning.  my future? 

 

everything's possible

by fred small

 

We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved,
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets it's sails to carry you to sleep
Over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company.

 

CHORUS:
You can be anybody you want to be,You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.

 

 

There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time
Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you.Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you.

Packing it up

today was a unique day (as if all days are not?).  donna and i packed up my office to clear the way for a new therapist and for a new phase of my life.  i will be in and out of the office this next week to finish paperwork and administrative duties, and friday will be my last day.

we left the house about 8am with both cars, empty boxes, some energy, and many mixed emotions.  approaching the university, i resigned my feelings to a deep, private place and entered the building in business mode.

my mind took note of my professional books, the purple decor which had become my trademark, and several trinkets and 'do-dads' that i had collected over the years.  so many things reminded me of my students, the staff, the university community. i placed those memories in that deep, private space to be sorted out in due time.

turning off those emotions, not suppressing them, allowed me to do the work that needed to be done.  and with the help of hugo and a dolly, we carted out most everything rather quickly.  had a major clean-up not occurred last summer, the job would have been enormous.

after putting the last load into the car, donna left me to say goodbye to my office. i needed a few private minutes. a few tears flowed, but much more so, a deep appreciation and gratefulness arose for all the opportunities the university had given me. 

coming home exhausted, i showered and went for a nap, which didn't happen...  a good sign that my mind was churning.  so i got up, had some lunch, relaxed for awhile...

and then the sleep came.  deep sleep. 

a friend commented that my last day is on the same weekend as my birthday.  such rich symbols of passage, transition, and renewal.  life to be continued...

Sticky walls

most walls are sticky;
they hold onto voices
of those who were here.

tonight the sounds are the laughter and the energy
of 15 young adults (and one child) who offered their help.
enthusiastic... energetic... eager...

it is called 'putting the yard to sleep' day.
puerto rican students setting aside a day to give
and the two of us grateful to receive.

the fence was painted, weeds were cut,
bushes were shaped, the plants brought in for winter.
that and more made this a cozy autumn place.

and then came the food.  we fed them well and they did eat,
sitting around the picnic tables in the backyard,
multiple conversation in spanish and english.

then the night air brought us into the house. 
and the laughter and stomping feet,
the smiles, and the playfulness filled the rooms.

and now, resting from this wonderful day,
i still here their voices and their laughter
fill our home. and the walls will remember.

Banana pancakes

the music of jack johnson creates images, evokes memories, engages my playful nature, and challenges me to reflect.  his tune 'banana pancakes' is song that, once heard, sticks in my head for several days.  essentially, he is suggesting that because it was raining, he and his partner should shut out the world, pretend it's the weekend, and make banana pancakes. 

listening to jack as i was cooking, 'banana pancakes' revved up.  a light in my head turned on, i looked around, and then i spotted them...  RIPE BANANAS!!!!  jack must have sung the tune 20 times as i griddled a whole slew of banana pancakes, freezing many of them for later.  the whole experience was, to put in mildly, very a-peeling.

setting the mood for creativity and fun is a way to stay present-focused.  it is during those times that the worries of the future and the over-analyzing of the day's/week's events drift away. 

cooking is a creative venture for me.  seated on hugo (my walker on wheels), i can stir, whisk, blend, knead, chop, and slice.  each action is another brush stroke using red peppers, yellow cornmeal, green basil, orange paprika, purple eggplant, or brown raisins.  sights...  smell....  texture...  sounds....  tastes...   a total sensual experience that keeps me contented in the moment.  life is good.

p.s. jack did not ask me to write this.

Whatchagonnado?

just listening to bob marley's 'bad boys, bad boys, whatchagonnado, whatchagonnado, whatchagonnado when they come for you?'  catchy tune. 

just wondering the same thing myself...   whatchagonnado, stephen? 

as i wind up things at work in the next week or so, i will be moving on.  but to what? 

whatchagonnado, stephen?

in the big picture, finding interesting and fulfilling interests are going to happen.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

for now, i don't know exactly where i am headed.  the immediate seems overwhelming right now.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

people ask me about my plans.  whatchagonnado, stephen?  and i am not sure what to say.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

it reminds me of seniors getting ready to graduate.  those without firm offers are asked about their plans.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

and they just don't know.  and right now i just don't know.  i just don't know. 

whatchagonnado, stephen?

but the internal pressure to have 'plans' can be intense.  almost always, i have had plans.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

for now, nothing comes to mind.

whatchagonnado, stephen?

ok, so there is one thing.  i must rest my body and mind. 

whatchagonnado, stephen?

too much clutter in my noggin.  iz gonna try to clean some of it out.  that's what imgonnado!

It's all in the process

when speaking with clients,  i attend not only to what they say, but how they say it.  i observe the process by which s/he works through their concerns.  what skills do they have to solve problems, to tolerate emotion, or to be patient as they take this journey?

there is much do to in order to close client files, finish paperwork, and say good-bye to clients.  also, applying for medical retirement is an ongoing chore.  sometimes, all this feels overwhelming. 

yet, to walk this part of the journey, attending to my own process is important.  how am i dealing with the stress and anxiety that comes with change?  am i staying consistent with my priorities?  am i caring for my physical and mental health in effective ways?

practicing the art of 'stepping back' to watch my journey is a vital part of this transition.  i am excited and anxious.  and i know the road continues on. 

A different kind of stress

After labor day, pools close, summer sports leagues end, theater classes perform their last production.  summer activities yield to the routine of the school year.  and after months of yardwork, people are seen raking leaves, putting away tools, and mulching their flower beds.  autumn has come, and the old routine yields to a new set of tasks.


retiring at this time of the year seems fitting.  the daily routine of getting ready for work, of preparing lunch, of planning for dinner no longer exist.  that routine helped me, without a lot of thinking, to hit the ground running for another day.


that routine, necessary for work, is needed no longer.  and it yields to another season in life... that of retirement.  but no routine comes with retirement automatically.  it has to be built, plank by plank, to support new directions in life.


i have much to do in order to finish up at the counseling center: saying goodbye to clients, completing paperwork, clearing out years of 'stuff', transferring responsibility for projects to other staff members,  which will take days of concentrated work.  this work is not routine.  and saying goodbye to my much loved colleagues is not routine. 


at home, the routine has been changed.  in fact, there is no routine.  each day is 'go with the flow'.  even though spontaneity is natural for me, the need for a routine is very apparent. 


and therein is the new stress...


having no clear direction, a routine is challenging to establish.  the dream of future goals and plans are suddenly now.  how do i begin?

Chaotic peace

naming things have been something for me to enjoy...  fun names for colors, unique names for our pets, playfully naming various parts of my personality.  naming does not only describe, but it gives life to that which is being named. 


this week i have named this new phase of my life 'chaotic peace'.  the words aptly describe the experience of my inner and outer world and it gives life to the dynamic that is happening. 


a newbie parachuter would miss the real experience by feeling calm and content with the impending jump.  rather, the anxiety and fear of the unknown combined with the peace from choosing to jump combine to provide a exhilarating dynamic.


all the work, the choices, and the decisions i am making during this transition create a rising level of anxiety within me. if i were calm, i would be concerned.  for in calmness there can be an aloof acceptance of what is and a lack of energy to consider options.

instead, i know the anxiety is a response to change.  it is the struggle to respond, to fight, and to grieve through transition.  most importantly, this chaos-driven anxiety is the best barometer of peace.  let me give an example:

robert quinn describes change as walking naked with confidence into the unknown.  he describes as well that transition requires us to build a bridge as we go...  one plank at a time.  his descriptions highlight to me the dynamic of chaotic peace. 

before you think me crazier than i am, i do long for peaceful peace.  it is a great place to reside.  it offers rest after a troubled period of time.  i believe that will come to me.  but for now, i need and desire this chaotic peace to energize me to do what i need to do.

Interesting...

interesting that the week i take medical retirement is the the same week my previous blog 'transformations' disappeared.  given the circumstance, i decided to start this new blog...  transforming.  my life is changing quite drastically and at a fast pace.  last week i was working full-time.  this week, i am on medical leave awaiting approval for permanent disability. 

let the games begin!