the definition of fromto:
(verb) fromto * fromtoos * fromtooed * fromtooing
(noun) fromto * fromtoos
(adverb) fromtooingly
(adjective) fromtoeous
etymology:
unknown
examples:
from working to retired
from trapped and helpless in this body to freedom mentally and spiritually
from being too physically drained to being energized enough to do some cooking, baking, etc.
from isolation to connection with other people... and myself.
from withdrawn at home to "engagement once with donna
from stifled to creative
from shutdown to open
from increased anxiety to increased contentment
from agitation to contentment
application to include fromto in next edition of webster:
pending
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
The act of receiving
last week a reception was held in honor of my retirement. I had asked that it be postponed until i might was in a better state of health. and i did feel pretty good. the kind words of friends and colleagues touched me deeply. and the song written by the counseling center staff was hilarious. it was titled, 'stephen is one of our favorite things' to the tune of the 'sound of music' song. they roasted me but good!
the reception was indeed 'a receiving'. for the love and the honor given to me was amazing. after being away from the university for two months, it was though i also was received 'into the fold' as one of their retirees.
receiving love and honor is a special thing; also, it is a humbling thing. 'it is more blessed to give than receive' has it's merit. but the converse is true as well. for those of us who are 'givers' the act of receiving can be difficult. avoiding the common tendency to diminish the compliments from others, a simple 'thank you' means 'i receive your gift of love with gratitude'.
so for those who gave gifts of love, i say THANK YOU!
the reception was indeed 'a receiving'. for the love and the honor given to me was amazing. after being away from the university for two months, it was though i also was received 'into the fold' as one of their retirees.
receiving love and honor is a special thing; also, it is a humbling thing. 'it is more blessed to give than receive' has it's merit. but the converse is true as well. for those of us who are 'givers' the act of receiving can be difficult. avoiding the common tendency to diminish the compliments from others, a simple 'thank you' means 'i receive your gift of love with gratitude'.
so for those who gave gifts of love, i say THANK YOU!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Cleveland
today we traveled to cleveland for my quarterly check-up. the routine was the same... two breathing tests that are from hell. "blow! blow! blow!" cheers the technician trying to have me empty my lungs as much as possible. i hate this one. i usually get light-headed and sometimes nauseous after 5 or 6 attempts to get consistent results.
the next one was less harsh; it tested the ability of my lungs to exchange gases. this test could be made more fun if i got a dose of helium. after resting a few minutes, we were escorted back to the waiting room.
the two women seated at the reception area are hoots. i spent time talking with them and teasing them a bit. i ordered a gin and tonic or a long island iced tea. the woman on the right reached down into a bottom desk drawer as if she keeps a stash of booze.
then my name was called; donna and i were escorted to a consultation room. jeff chapman, my pulmonologist, spent 30 minutes gathering information, discussing test results, and checking my lungs for crackles. then together, we decided on a course of action for the next quarter. the results were not too bad. my breathing test results revealed a dip in my lung capacity. the doctor, however, was not too concerned at this point. no change in medications... i was hoping for a reduction in the steroids.
leaving the clinic, we headed back to dayton. . it's good to be home!
the next one was less harsh; it tested the ability of my lungs to exchange gases. this test could be made more fun if i got a dose of helium. after resting a few minutes, we were escorted back to the waiting room.
the two women seated at the reception area are hoots. i spent time talking with them and teasing them a bit. i ordered a gin and tonic or a long island iced tea. the woman on the right reached down into a bottom desk drawer as if she keeps a stash of booze.
then my name was called; donna and i were escorted to a consultation room. jeff chapman, my pulmonologist, spent 30 minutes gathering information, discussing test results, and checking my lungs for crackles. then together, we decided on a course of action for the next quarter. the results were not too bad. my breathing test results revealed a dip in my lung capacity. the doctor, however, was not too concerned at this point. no change in medications... i was hoping for a reduction in the steroids.
leaving the clinic, we headed back to dayton. . it's good to be home!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Torn paper
i am corresponding with an artist who has done amazing work with torn paper. once a painter, jane had to put down the brushes when she lost the use of one eye. depth perception was lost. she discovered with torn paper, she can create compositions that are astounding. and she is free to express herself once again.
jane and i have been discussing our mutual admiration for michelangelo. recalling our visits to florence, italy's accademia gallery, we shared the deeply moving experience of walking into the hall where the mighty 'david' is displayed. he stands at the end of a long corridor, inviting all to come closer. but in order to do so, passing the 'prisoner series' is a requirement. this are unfinished works of the master sculptor still imprisoned by the marble that holds them captive. it is as if david desires his admirers to feel the sense of captivity before experiencing the freedom michelangelo has bestowed on him.
for over three years now, i have been captive to the marble of lung disease. those things i once did, i do no longer. retirement has given me back my freedom. and like jane, i am finding once again ways to express, create, and discover. and like david, i can once again stand tall on the inside.
jane and i have been discussing our mutual admiration for michelangelo. recalling our visits to florence, italy's accademia gallery, we shared the deeply moving experience of walking into the hall where the mighty 'david' is displayed. he stands at the end of a long corridor, inviting all to come closer. but in order to do so, passing the 'prisoner series' is a requirement. this are unfinished works of the master sculptor still imprisoned by the marble that holds them captive. it is as if david desires his admirers to feel the sense of captivity before experiencing the freedom michelangelo has bestowed on him.
for over three years now, i have been captive to the marble of lung disease. those things i once did, i do no longer. retirement has given me back my freedom. and like jane, i am finding once again ways to express, create, and discover. and like david, i can once again stand tall on the inside.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Mova into be-ing
for my birthday earlier this month, donna bought for me a mova globe. spinning with the light of the day; it needs no batteries or electricity. it is suspended in a viscous liquid, which allows it to move naturally and freely. i imagine all can be explained scientifically. but the 'magic' of this free-floating globe is mesmerizing as i sit and watch it.
nothing is forced or sensationalized,
it just "be's" a globe..
in the fourth week of retirement, i am "be-ing"...
...as i discover, reflect, and become re-acquainted with who i am.
...as i make spontaneous, energized choices to cook, to read, to nap, or to play online games,
..and as i sit and watch my mova globe as it teaches me to love the present moment.
nothing is forced or sensationalized,
it just "be's" a globe..
in the fourth week of retirement, i am "be-ing"...
...as i discover, reflect, and become re-acquainted with who i am.
...as i make spontaneous, energized choices to cook, to read, to nap, or to play online games,
..and as i sit and watch my mova globe as it teaches me to love the present moment.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The blue dot
last week i was given a beautiful composition make entirely of torn paper. it is an orange and raspberry sherbet-colored sun as it starts to hide behind a mountain of black, white, and brown. at first, the zebra-striped mountains caught my eye. and the use of bright, warm colors was very pleasing. but i sensed that those were not the reasons the picture was so attractive.
looking at it again today (for the 5.1 millionth time) a little speck of blue appeared for the first time. the word 'whisper' immediately came to mind. the cool-toned blue dot is a whisper among the energetic, vibrancy of the composition. it is there to enjoy when the eye is ready to see it.
during these months/weeks of transitions, i have listened for whispers in the midst of chaos. i have looked for moments of calm, peace, and contentment in all the physical and emotional 'noise'.
this composition reminds me that the cool whisper is always present. always.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Password
being a fanatical gameboard player, i have enjoyed our 'password marathon' with donna and her sister faye. not only are we excellent players (?), but we laugh ourselves silly as we attempt to find the perfect clue to score a point. some of the most difficult words to guess are the shortest words. for instance, the word 'kind' was never guessed. it yielded longer words such as 'compassion'. i won't even address the guesses that the word 'tow' elicited.
two things come to mind as i think about our games:
1. belly laughs are important. they suspend the concerns about the past and future and keep the laughers squarely in the present. plus, they make the body feel really good apart from the 'ache' in the stomach. all three of us had to 'hold our stomachs' to contain the laughter we were experiencing.
2. sometimes the most simple solutions can be overlooked in the attempt to look for something more complex. sophisticated answers, although important at times, cannot take the place of common sense.
learning to replace stress and complexity with relaxation and more common thinking is one of the benefits of retirement. my body and mind as been so used to the 'race race' it takes time to fall into a more sane lifestyle. similar to finishing graduate school, i am getting trying to get used to the lack of schedules, deadlines, and constant obligations. withdrawal symptoms in the form of anxiety and confusion can get in the way of enjoying the present.
a part of this transition is allowing time to adjust to this huge transition. the simple solution is to remind myself that life is different and i am/will be just fine.
two things come to mind as i think about our games:
1. belly laughs are important. they suspend the concerns about the past and future and keep the laughers squarely in the present. plus, they make the body feel really good apart from the 'ache' in the stomach. all three of us had to 'hold our stomachs' to contain the laughter we were experiencing.
2. sometimes the most simple solutions can be overlooked in the attempt to look for something more complex. sophisticated answers, although important at times, cannot take the place of common sense.
learning to replace stress and complexity with relaxation and more common thinking is one of the benefits of retirement. my body and mind as been so used to the 'race race' it takes time to fall into a more sane lifestyle. similar to finishing graduate school, i am getting trying to get used to the lack of schedules, deadlines, and constant obligations. withdrawal symptoms in the form of anxiety and confusion can get in the way of enjoying the present.
a part of this transition is allowing time to adjust to this huge transition. the simple solution is to remind myself that life is different and i am/will be just fine.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The interview
a representative from the the disability insurance company called today. her questions were based on the documents sent in by my doctors and me.
clarification, verification, further documentation...
but the surprise was this... she was a very caring and compassionate person. i expected an 'all business' interrogation. for instance, she asked about what hobbies/interests i would like to pursue. and she even wanted to know more about 'the girls', ivry-javette and ruthie-javais.
so much for assumptions...
as my representative, she will coordinate the process of approving my disability status. i think am in good hands.
thank you kimberly!
clarification, verification, further documentation...
but the surprise was this... she was a very caring and compassionate person. i expected an 'all business' interrogation. for instance, she asked about what hobbies/interests i would like to pursue. and she even wanted to know more about 'the girls', ivry-javette and ruthie-javais.
so much for assumptions...
as my representative, she will coordinate the process of approving my disability status. i think am in good hands.
thank you kimberly!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Packing it up
today was a unique day (as if all days are not?). donna and i packed up my office to clear the way for a new therapist and for a new phase of my life. i will be in and out of the office this next week to finish paperwork and administrative duties, and friday will be my last day.
we left the house about 8am with both cars, empty boxes, some energy, and many mixed emotions. approaching the university, i resigned my feelings to a deep, private place and entered the building in business mode.
my mind took note of my professional books, the purple decor which had become my trademark, and several trinkets and 'do-dads' that i had collected over the years. so many things reminded me of my students, the staff, the university community. i placed those memories in that deep, private space to be sorted out in due time.
turning off those emotions, not suppressing them, allowed me to do the work that needed to be done. and with the help of hugo and a dolly, we carted out most everything rather quickly. had a major clean-up not occurred last summer, the job would have been enormous.
after putting the last load into the car, donna left me to say goodbye to my office. i needed a few private minutes. a few tears flowed, but much more so, a deep appreciation and gratefulness arose for all the opportunities the university had given me.
coming home exhausted, i showered and went for a nap, which didn't happen... a good sign that my mind was churning. so i got up, had some lunch, relaxed for awhile...
and then the sleep came. deep sleep.
a friend commented that my last day is on the same weekend as my birthday. such rich symbols of passage, transition, and renewal. life to be continued...
we left the house about 8am with both cars, empty boxes, some energy, and many mixed emotions. approaching the university, i resigned my feelings to a deep, private place and entered the building in business mode.
my mind took note of my professional books, the purple decor which had become my trademark, and several trinkets and 'do-dads' that i had collected over the years. so many things reminded me of my students, the staff, the university community. i placed those memories in that deep, private space to be sorted out in due time.
turning off those emotions, not suppressing them, allowed me to do the work that needed to be done. and with the help of hugo and a dolly, we carted out most everything rather quickly. had a major clean-up not occurred last summer, the job would have been enormous.
after putting the last load into the car, donna left me to say goodbye to my office. i needed a few private minutes. a few tears flowed, but much more so, a deep appreciation and gratefulness arose for all the opportunities the university had given me.
coming home exhausted, i showered and went for a nap, which didn't happen... a good sign that my mind was churning. so i got up, had some lunch, relaxed for awhile...
and then the sleep came. deep sleep.
a friend commented that my last day is on the same weekend as my birthday. such rich symbols of passage, transition, and renewal. life to be continued...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sticky walls
most walls are sticky;
they hold onto voices
of those who were here.
tonight the sounds are the laughter and the energy
of 15 young adults (and one child) who offered their help.
enthusiastic... energetic... eager...
it is called 'putting the yard to sleep' day.
puerto rican students setting aside a day to give
and the two of us grateful to receive.
the fence was painted, weeds were cut,
bushes were shaped, the plants brought in for winter.
that and more made this a cozy autumn place.
and then came the food. we fed them well and they did eat,
sitting around the picnic tables in the backyard,
multiple conversation in spanish and english.
then the night air brought us into the house.
and the laughter and stomping feet,
the smiles, and the playfulness filled the rooms.
and now, resting from this wonderful day,
i still here their voices and their laughter
fill our home. and the walls will remember.
they hold onto voices
of those who were here.
tonight the sounds are the laughter and the energy
of 15 young adults (and one child) who offered their help.
enthusiastic... energetic... eager...
it is called 'putting the yard to sleep' day.
puerto rican students setting aside a day to give
and the two of us grateful to receive.
the fence was painted, weeds were cut,
bushes were shaped, the plants brought in for winter.
that and more made this a cozy autumn place.
and then came the food. we fed them well and they did eat,
sitting around the picnic tables in the backyard,
multiple conversation in spanish and english.
then the night air brought us into the house.
and the laughter and stomping feet,
the smiles, and the playfulness filled the rooms.
and now, resting from this wonderful day,
i still here their voices and their laughter
fill our home. and the walls will remember.
Banana pancakes
the music of jack johnson creates images, evokes memories, engages my playful nature, and challenges me to reflect. his tune 'banana pancakes' is song that, once heard, sticks in my head for several days. essentially, he is suggesting that because it was raining, he and his partner should shut out the world, pretend it's the weekend, and make banana pancakes.
listening to jack as i was cooking, 'banana pancakes' revved up. a light in my head turned on, i looked around, and then i spotted them... RIPE BANANAS!!!! jack must have sung the tune 20 times as i griddled a whole slew of banana pancakes, freezing many of them for later. the whole experience was, to put in mildly, very a-peeling.
setting the mood for creativity and fun is a way to stay present-focused. it is during those times that the worries of the future and the over-analyzing of the day's/week's events drift away.
cooking is a creative venture for me. seated on hugo (my walker on wheels), i can stir, whisk, blend, knead, chop, and slice. each action is another brush stroke using red peppers, yellow cornmeal, green basil, orange paprika, purple eggplant, or brown raisins. sights... smell.... texture... sounds.... tastes... a total sensual experience that keeps me contented in the moment. life is good.
p.s. jack did not ask me to write this.
listening to jack as i was cooking, 'banana pancakes' revved up. a light in my head turned on, i looked around, and then i spotted them... RIPE BANANAS!!!! jack must have sung the tune 20 times as i griddled a whole slew of banana pancakes, freezing many of them for later. the whole experience was, to put in mildly, very a-peeling.
setting the mood for creativity and fun is a way to stay present-focused. it is during those times that the worries of the future and the over-analyzing of the day's/week's events drift away.
cooking is a creative venture for me. seated on hugo (my walker on wheels), i can stir, whisk, blend, knead, chop, and slice. each action is another brush stroke using red peppers, yellow cornmeal, green basil, orange paprika, purple eggplant, or brown raisins. sights... smell.... texture... sounds.... tastes... a total sensual experience that keeps me contented in the moment. life is good.
p.s. jack did not ask me to write this.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Whatchagonnado?
just listening to bob marley's 'bad boys, bad boys, whatchagonnado, whatchagonnado, whatchagonnado when they come for you?' catchy tune.
just wondering the same thing myself... whatchagonnado, stephen?
as i wind up things at work in the next week or so, i will be moving on. but to what?
whatchagonnado, stephen?
in the big picture, finding interesting and fulfilling interests are going to happen.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
for now, i don't know exactly where i am headed. the immediate seems overwhelming right now.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
people ask me about my plans. whatchagonnado, stephen? and i am not sure what to say.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
it reminds me of seniors getting ready to graduate. those without firm offers are asked about their plans.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
and they just don't know. and right now i just don't know. i just don't know.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
but the internal pressure to have 'plans' can be intense. almost always, i have had plans.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
for now, nothing comes to mind.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
ok, so there is one thing. i must rest my body and mind.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
too much clutter in my noggin. iz gonna try to clean some of it out. that's what imgonnado!
just wondering the same thing myself... whatchagonnado, stephen?
as i wind up things at work in the next week or so, i will be moving on. but to what?
whatchagonnado, stephen?
in the big picture, finding interesting and fulfilling interests are going to happen.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
for now, i don't know exactly where i am headed. the immediate seems overwhelming right now.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
people ask me about my plans. whatchagonnado, stephen? and i am not sure what to say.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
it reminds me of seniors getting ready to graduate. those without firm offers are asked about their plans.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
and they just don't know. and right now i just don't know. i just don't know.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
but the internal pressure to have 'plans' can be intense. almost always, i have had plans.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
for now, nothing comes to mind.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
ok, so there is one thing. i must rest my body and mind.
whatchagonnado, stephen?
too much clutter in my noggin. iz gonna try to clean some of it out. that's what imgonnado!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
It's all in the process
when speaking with clients, i attend not only to what they say, but how they say it. i observe the process by which s/he works through their concerns. what skills do they have to solve problems, to tolerate emotion, or to be patient as they take this journey?
there is much do to in order to close client files, finish paperwork, and say good-bye to clients. also, applying for medical retirement is an ongoing chore. sometimes, all this feels overwhelming.
yet, to walk this part of the journey, attending to my own process is important. how am i dealing with the stress and anxiety that comes with change? am i staying consistent with my priorities? am i caring for my physical and mental health in effective ways?
practicing the art of 'stepping back' to watch my journey is a vital part of this transition. i am excited and anxious. and i know the road continues on.
there is much do to in order to close client files, finish paperwork, and say good-bye to clients. also, applying for medical retirement is an ongoing chore. sometimes, all this feels overwhelming.
yet, to walk this part of the journey, attending to my own process is important. how am i dealing with the stress and anxiety that comes with change? am i staying consistent with my priorities? am i caring for my physical and mental health in effective ways?
practicing the art of 'stepping back' to watch my journey is a vital part of this transition. i am excited and anxious. and i know the road continues on.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A different kind of stress
After labor day, pools close, summer sports leagues end, theater classes perform their last production. summer activities yield to the routine of the school year. and after months of yardwork, people are seen raking leaves, putting away tools, and mulching their flower beds. autumn has come, and the old routine yields to a new set of tasks.
retiring at this time of the year seems fitting. the daily routine of getting ready for work, of preparing lunch, of planning for dinner no longer exist. that routine helped me, without a lot of thinking, to hit the ground running for another day.
that routine, necessary for work, is needed no longer. and it yields to another season in life... that of retirement. but no routine comes with retirement automatically. it has to be built, plank by plank, to support new directions in life.
i have much to do in order to finish up at the counseling center: saying goodbye to clients, completing paperwork, clearing out years of 'stuff', transferring responsibility for projects to other staff members, which will take days of concentrated work. this work is not routine. and saying goodbye to my much loved colleagues is not routine.
at home, the routine has been changed. in fact, there is no routine. each day is 'go with the flow'. even though spontaneity is natural for me, the need for a routine is very apparent.
and therein is the new stress...
having no clear direction, a routine is challenging to establish. the dream of future goals and plans are suddenly now. how do i begin?
retiring at this time of the year seems fitting. the daily routine of getting ready for work, of preparing lunch, of planning for dinner no longer exist. that routine helped me, without a lot of thinking, to hit the ground running for another day.
that routine, necessary for work, is needed no longer. and it yields to another season in life... that of retirement. but no routine comes with retirement automatically. it has to be built, plank by plank, to support new directions in life.
i have much to do in order to finish up at the counseling center: saying goodbye to clients, completing paperwork, clearing out years of 'stuff', transferring responsibility for projects to other staff members, which will take days of concentrated work. this work is not routine. and saying goodbye to my much loved colleagues is not routine.
at home, the routine has been changed. in fact, there is no routine. each day is 'go with the flow'. even though spontaneity is natural for me, the need for a routine is very apparent.
and therein is the new stress...
having no clear direction, a routine is challenging to establish. the dream of future goals and plans are suddenly now. how do i begin?
Friday, October 8, 2010
Chaotic peace
naming things have been something for me to enjoy... fun names for colors, unique names for our pets, playfully naming various parts of my personality. naming does not only describe, but it gives life to that which is being named.
this week i have named this new phase of my life 'chaotic peace'. the words aptly describe the experience of my inner and outer world and it gives life to the dynamic that is happening.
a newbie parachuter would miss the real experience by feeling calm and content with the impending jump. rather, the anxiety and fear of the unknown combined with the peace from choosing to jump combine to provide a exhilarating dynamic.
all the work, the choices, and the decisions i am making during this transition create a rising level of anxiety within me. if i were calm, i would be concerned. for in calmness there can be an aloof acceptance of what is and a lack of energy to consider options.
instead, i know the anxiety is a response to change. it is the struggle to respond, to fight, and to grieve through transition. most importantly, this chaos-driven anxiety is the best barometer of peace. let me give an example:
robert quinn describes change as walking naked with confidence into the unknown. he describes as well that transition requires us to build a bridge as we go... one plank at a time. his descriptions highlight to me the dynamic of chaotic peace.
before you think me crazier than i am, i do long for peaceful peace. it is a great place to reside. it offers rest after a troubled period of time. i believe that will come to me. but for now, i need and desire this chaotic peace to energize me to do what i need to do.
this week i have named this new phase of my life 'chaotic peace'. the words aptly describe the experience of my inner and outer world and it gives life to the dynamic that is happening.
a newbie parachuter would miss the real experience by feeling calm and content with the impending jump. rather, the anxiety and fear of the unknown combined with the peace from choosing to jump combine to provide a exhilarating dynamic.
all the work, the choices, and the decisions i am making during this transition create a rising level of anxiety within me. if i were calm, i would be concerned. for in calmness there can be an aloof acceptance of what is and a lack of energy to consider options.
instead, i know the anxiety is a response to change. it is the struggle to respond, to fight, and to grieve through transition. most importantly, this chaos-driven anxiety is the best barometer of peace. let me give an example:
robert quinn describes change as walking naked with confidence into the unknown. he describes as well that transition requires us to build a bridge as we go... one plank at a time. his descriptions highlight to me the dynamic of chaotic peace.
before you think me crazier than i am, i do long for peaceful peace. it is a great place to reside. it offers rest after a troubled period of time. i believe that will come to me. but for now, i need and desire this chaotic peace to energize me to do what i need to do.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Interesting...
interesting that the week i take medical retirement is the the same week my previous blog 'transformations' disappeared. given the circumstance, i decided to start this new blog... transforming. my life is changing quite drastically and at a fast pace. last week i was working full-time. this week, i am on medical leave awaiting approval for permanent disability.
let the games begin!
let the games begin!
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