looking through a magazine that jane gave me, i discovered a picture of birch bark. the white, cream, beige colors are in sharp contrast to the black markings. i had to draw it! five pictures later, my collection was somewhat satisfying. included is a canoe, and tight close up of the bark, and a couple landscapy compositions.
the same thing happened when i saw an ostrich feather earlier this week. i was compelled to draw it with quick and wispy strokes, almost feeling the feather tickling my fingers. now i am drawing a deep gray and red feather and am looking for other eye-catching feathers on the internet. what i really want to draw is a peacock feather, trying to capture the sheen of the blues and greens, the contrasting 'eye', and the elegant pattern.
as much as i enjoy the spontaneity of drawing random pictures, entering into a 'pattern phase' is delightful. looking everywhere for birch-like or feather-like objects, i found patterns more common than i thought i would. there are patterns everywhere: ceilings, floors, food, fabric, grass, trees...
our own choices distinguish us from each other. those choices become patterns of behavior and attitude. but those patterns can change when life events turn our world upside-down. in fact, they must change in order for us to adapt to new situations. if a person who i haven't seen for years would say to me, 'my, you haven't changed a bit', my first reaction would be to slap them and put a dirty sock in their mouth. more likely, however, i would say, 'really? actually i have changed quite a bit!'.
rather than drawing birch bark forever, i am now in a feather mode. but tomorrow, something new will take the feather's place. as i make different choices, my patterns change. what used to work for me doesn't anymore. whether it be social, religious, psychological, or physical, changes are necessary... helpful... adaptive... enriching...
i have chosen, due to huge life changes, to form different patterns. one of the more curious patterns that has changed is my circle of friends. before my illness, i had many friends, several close friends, and a very few soulmates. a variety of opportunities for meeting new people existed. but my life has changed dramatically. some casual friends became much closer, several close friends became distant, and a couple of friends transformed into soulmates. on the other hand, many friends have distanced themselves. calls became less frequent and invites became an exception to the rule. realizing that friendship phase in and out of our lives, i still was disillusioned, disappointed, and bitter with some people who 'suddenly' disappeared from my life.
but the big take-away from those experiences is this... the choices i made were crucial in order to adapt to a new phase of life. leaving an angry and hurt stage, i decided to change my pattern. and as that pattern changed, i found myself embracing people as close friends... i was astounded that as i opened my life to new friendships, my life was enriched. rather than feeling sorry for myself, i allowed myself the luxury of adapting my patterns in order to surround myself with loving, positive people.
and now, the best compliment anyone could give me now is 'my, you sure have changed... you've adapted... you're a winner!'.
Always have been a winner in my view
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