The guy on my shoulder.

music has been/is one of the most valuable things in my life.  it provides inspiration, relaxation, opportunities of creativity, and just plain fun.  i enjoy playing alone or for other people; but that hasn't always been the case.  two stories come to mind...

as a boy of  about 11-12, i played in a recital sponsored by my piano teacher.  the piece had to be memorized, which i had accomplished fairly quickly.  it was difficult sitting at the recital listening to others play because my piece was running through my mind....  i could see my fingers hit the notes, my foot press the pedal, and the notes flowing on the page.  i was ready!!

and then i heard my name!

i sat down at the piano, picturing the people sitting in the room.  my hands were shaking and i could feel the beginnings of a sweat river.  i took a deep breath and started.  much to my amazement, i relaxed a bit as i began the piece.  but a one point, my mind went blank.  i could not remember the next line... not even the next note.  i sat frozen until my piano teacher asked me to begin the piece again.  oh my god, not again!  but i complied.  if you would have placed your ten dollars one me succeeding the second time, you would have lost.  at the very same place in the music, i went blank.  the room was silent.  way too silent.  i felt the tears aching to get out, so in desperation, i ran out of the room... out of the building...  into the car...  and sobbed.  i was humiliated. 

 

when i was a junior in high school, i was part of a city-wide nazarene teen choir.  we practiced every sunday afternoon for months to prepare for our 10-day tour in june. every night we held a concert, had dinner at the church, and stayed in the home of one of the church members.  we even spent a day in new york city.  it was so much fun.

 

people were chosen for vocal solos and groups and for instrumental solos, including a piano solo by moi.   i was scheduled to play at our last stop in portsmouth, ohio for their sunday evening service.  we arrived for dinner and then spent some time warming up and to getting dressed.  the guys wore red shirts and blue slacks.  after a week of touring, you could imagine the amount of deodorant sprayed on those shirts that evening.  the gals wore blue and white dresses made of linen-like material which probably had to be ironed one more time. 

 

a few minutes before the concert, i approached the choir director, asking...  no, begging her to replace me with another piano soloist.  i was shaking, in tears, and ready to run out the building.  in a kind but firm voice, she told me that i was scheduled and that i would play.  she was counting on me!  it was another 'oh my god!' moment.  the tears welled up as i felt the sweat start to flow... again.  it was happening...  again.  honestly, i felt trapped.

 

as you might imagine, the first half of the concert was a blank for me.  my entire concentration was on my solo, which was to played during the 'intermission'.  and before i knew it, the time had come.  the rest of the choir left the auditorium and i took my place at the piano, hands shaking and eyes fixed on my music.  the momentary pause was at least 90 minutes, and then i began to play.  to my surprise, the music flowed.  and flowed. and then, i was finished. the applause was overwhelming...  i choked back the tears, tears of relief and pride.  i actually did it, and did it well!

 

i still wonder what would have happened if the choir director had excused me from playing.  what would the result have been if she allowed the fear to control me?  i don't know, but i am grateful that julie slonacker helped me face my fear.

 

in both cases, i feared the judgment of the audience.  i just knew they were waiting with a pad and pencil to check-off every mistake that i would make.  and i knew they would talk about my poor performances repeatedly and forever.  i knew it furshur! 

 

i can laugh about these events now because i know that the biggest (and maybe the only) critic was the guy sitting on my shoulder telling me how bad i was going to play.  that same guy who mocked me in the car after i ran out of the building.  i can laugh because, for the most part, i have learned to send that guy running from the room so that i can enjoy and appreciate my talent.  i can make mistakes now and i really don't give a damn.  i just play on....

 

thank you to all the julie's in my life who have helped me face my fears.  and i thank myself for not allowing that guy on my shoulder to control my life.  he hasn't disappeared, but he knows he is not welcome.

Birch bark and feathers

looking through a magazine that jane gave me, i discovered a picture of birch bark.  the white, cream, beige colors are in sharp contrast to the black markings.  i had to draw it!  five pictures later, my collection was somewhat satisfying.  included is a canoe, and tight close up of the bark, and a couple landscapy compositions. 

the same thing happened when i saw an ostrich feather earlier this week.  i was compelled to draw it with quick and wispy strokes, almost feeling the feather tickling my fingers.  now i am drawing a deep gray and red feather and am looking for other eye-catching feathers on the internet.  what i really want to draw is a peacock feather, trying to capture the sheen of the blues and greens, the contrasting 'eye', and the elegant pattern.

as much as i enjoy the spontaneity of drawing random pictures, entering into a 'pattern phase' is delightful.  looking everywhere for birch-like or feather-like objects, i found patterns more common than i thought i would.  there are patterns everywhere:  ceilings, floors, food, fabric, grass, trees...

our own choices distinguish us from each other.  those choices become patterns of behavior and attitude.  but those patterns can change when life events turn our world upside-down.  in fact, they must change in order for us to adapt to new situations.  if a person who i haven't seen for years would say to me, 'my, you haven't changed a bit', my first reaction would be to slap them and put a dirty sock in their mouth.  more likely, however, i would say, 'really?  actually i have changed quite a bit!'. 

rather than drawing birch bark forever, i am now in a feather mode.  but tomorrow, something new will take the feather's place.  as i make different choices, my patterns change.  what used to work for me doesn't anymore.  whether it be social, religious, psychological, or physical, changes are necessary...  helpful...  adaptive...   enriching...

i have chosen, due to huge life changes, to form different patterns.  one of the more curious patterns that has changed is my circle of friends.  before my illness, i had many friends, several close friends, and a very few soulmates.  a variety of opportunities for meeting new people existed.  but my life has changed dramatically.  some casual friends became much closer, several close friends became distant, and a couple of friends transformed into soulmates.  on the other hand, many friends have distanced themselves.  calls became less frequent and invites became an exception to the rule.  realizing that friendship phase in and out of our lives, i still was disillusioned, disappointed, and bitter with some people who 'suddenly' disappeared from my life. 

but the big take-away from those experiences is this...  the choices i made were crucial in order to adapt to a new phase of life.  leaving an angry and hurt stage, i decided to change my pattern.  and as that pattern changed, i found myself embracing people as close friends...  i was astounded that as i opened my life to new friendships, my life was enriched.  rather than feeling sorry for myself, i allowed myself the luxury of adapting my patterns in order to surround myself with loving, positive people. 

and now, the best compliment anyone could give me now is 'my, you sure have changed...  you've adapted...  you're a winner!'.

Baby grand

at ten o'clock a.m. we arrived at the home of an historic oakwood resident.  as we were getting out of the car, a neighbor opened her door and watched us get hugo out of the back of the car.  we knew that even a suspect facial expression could land us in deep doo-doo with the vigilant watch-dog.

confidently, we approached the front door.  donna knocked and/or rang the bell several times.  the fourth one yielded an opened door...  with a woman dressed in her bathrobe, looking like the irs had just come to audit her  oh shit!  we arrived one hour early; too early for the woman to be awake.  it must have been quite a party last night. 

she was selling her baby grand piano and our piano tuner said that with some work, the piano could be a good choice.  now i have had a dream for years of owning a baby grand piano.  and the piano tuner has been on the lookout for me.  there is something about the sound, the beauty, and the presence of a baby grand that captures the attention of the senses.

i must say that the woman was much nicer to us than i would be if awakened at a 'bad time'  in fact, one of my friends texted me at midnight a few days ago.  throwing tlc out the window, i told him if it happened again, i would return the call at 4:30 am.  but i am digressing into my own personal bitterness.

playing the beautiful piano left me wanting for a much better tone quality, accurate pitch, and octaves that resembled each other.  even after a recent tuning, this piano just didn't cut it.  i tried to talk myself into buying it by the process of 'making do' with an inferior piano.  so i put on a happy face and put a positive spin on the instrument, especially in front of the woman.  i hope it's not too tacky to mention that the piano had been in her deceased husband's family for several generations.  she had it refinished for approximately the same price as the price for which she was selling it to us.  i just couldn't point out the negatives, glaring as they were. 

as we were leaving the house, we noticed another neighbor who stepped out unto the front porch and watched us until we were in our vehicle.  it reminded me of the tv show 'laugh in' in which celebs would peek out of a door, say something loony, and the retreat only to have another celeb repeat the process. 

driving home, donna asked me about the piano.  at that moment, i had to choose my words carefully.  i so badly wanted to say how much i loved the piano, minimizing the obvious problems.  but instead i said, 'i don't want to buy it'.  in response, donna was relieved.  she said the piano didn't sound good.  and so our first venture into grand piano buying was over.  btw, i purposely did NOT take my checkbook.  smart move when i really, really, really want something. 

when dreams are involved, making decisions are difficult..  the head and the heart lose their best friend status.  chaos erupts.  compromises are offered.  deals/bribes are made.  but like an inner superhero, intuition appears.  having sat back and listened to all the pros and the cons of a decision, the superhero offers a most comfortable chair in which to settle in comfort and relief.  'follow your gut'!!

now i am the first to say that 'gut decisions' and intuitive answers are not always the best ones.  but in my experience, finding that place of peace AFTER the heart/head battle has been going on for too long almost always sends me to a helpful, healthy place.