Torn paper

i am corresponding with an artist who has done amazing work with torn paper.  once a painter, jane had to put down the brushes when she lost the use of one eye.  depth perception was lost. she discovered with torn paper, she can create compositions that are astounding.  and she is free to express herself once again.

jane and i have been discussing our mutual admiration for michelangelo.  recalling our visits to florence, italy's accademia gallery, we shared the deeply moving experience of walking into the hall where the mighty 'david' is displayed.  he stands at the end of a long corridor, inviting all to come closer.  but in order to do so, passing the 'prisoner series' is a requirement.  this are unfinished works of the master sculptor still imprisoned by the marble that holds them captive.  it is as if david desires his admirers to feel the sense of captivity before experiencing the freedom michelangelo has bestowed on him. 

for over three years now, i have been captive to the marble of lung disease.  those things i once did, i do no longer.  retirement has given me back my freedom.  and like jane, i am finding once again ways to express, create, and discover.  and like david, i can once again stand tall on the inside.

Mova into be-ing

for my birthday earlier this month, donna bought for me a mova globe.  spinning with the light of the day; it needs no batteries or electricity.  it is suspended in a viscous liquid, which allows it to move naturally and freely.  i imagine all can be explained scientifically.  but the 'magic' of this free-floating globe is mesmerizing as i sit and watch it.

nothing is forced or sensationalized,
it just "be's" a globe..

in the fourth week of retirement, i am "be-ing"...
...as i discover, reflect, and become re-acquainted with who i am.
...as i make spontaneous, energized choices to cook, to read, to nap, or to play online games,
..and as i sit and watch my mova globe as it teaches me to love the present moment.  

The blue dot

last week i was given a beautiful composition make entirely of torn paper. it is an orange and raspberry sherbet-colored sun as it starts to hide behind a mountain of black, white, and brown. at first, the zebra-striped mountains caught my eye.  and the use of bright, warm colors was very pleasing.  but i sensed that those were not the reasons the picture was so attractive.

 

looking at it again today (for the 5.1 millionth time) a little speck of blue appeared for the first time.  the word 'whisper' immediately came to mind.  the cool-toned blue dot is a whisper among the energetic, vibrancy of the composition.  it is there to enjoy when the eye is ready to see it.

 

during these months/weeks of transitions, i have listened for whispers in the midst of chaos. i have looked for moments of calm, peace, and contentment in all the physical and emotional 'noise'. 

 

this composition reminds me that the cool whisper is always present.  always. 

 

Password

being a fanatical gameboard player, i have enjoyed our 'password marathon' with donna and her sister faye. not only are we excellent players (?), but we laugh ourselves silly as we attempt to find the perfect clue to score a point.  some of the most difficult words to guess are the shortest words.  for instance, the word 'kind' was never guessed.  it yielded longer words such as 'compassion'.  i won't even address the guesses that the word 'tow' elicited.

two things come to mind as i think about our games:

1. belly laughs are important.  they suspend the concerns about the past and future and keep the laughers squarely in the present.  plus, they make the body feel really good apart from the 'ache' in the stomach.  all three of us had to 'hold our stomachs' to contain the laughter we were experiencing.

2.  sometimes the most simple solutions can be overlooked in the attempt to look for something more complex.  sophisticated answers, although important at times, cannot take the place of common sense.

learning to replace stress and complexity with relaxation and more common thinking is one of the benefits of retirement.  my body and mind as been so used to the 'race race' it takes time to fall into a more sane lifestyle.  similar to finishing graduate school, i am getting trying to get used to the lack of schedules, deadlines, and constant obligations.  withdrawal symptoms in the form of anxiety and confusion can get in the way of enjoying the present. 

a part of this transition is allowing time to adjust to this huge transition. the simple solution is  to remind myself that life is different and i am/will be just fine.

The interview

a representative from the the disability insurance company called today.   her questions were based on the documents sent in by my doctors and me. 

clarification, verification, further documentation...  

but the surprise was this...  she was a very caring and compassionate person.  i expected an 'all business' interrogation.  for instance, she asked about what hobbies/interests i would like to pursue.  and she even wanted to know more about 'the girls', ivry-javette and ruthie-javais. 

so much for assumptions...

as my representative, she will coordinate the process of approving my disability status.  i think am in good hands. 

thank you kimberly!